Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I've tended to always be surprised at the number of BSs who end up cheating. It just boggles the mind that someone who has experienced the pain of betrayal would even allow the possibility of inflicting that on anyone else. Yet, it happens, and it seems often. The OM my W, for example, had a full emotional/physical affair with had also been cheated on, and after two years of rebuilding, they ended up splitting.
That got me to thinking, are people who are cheated on more likely than someone who hasn't to also cheat? I've not attempted to look for any studies on this, but when I think about it, there are several reasons a BS is more susceptible to cheating than one who's never been cheated on.
1. If one believes that sex is primarily a recreational activity, and they only refrain from cheating due to marital vows, they would tend to view their spouse's A as a "get out of jail free card" and cash it in.
2. Being cheated on increases the temptation of a revenge affair, especially if the CS puts on the appearance of doing fine and not repentant. "I'll show them how it feels" becomes a driving force.
3. Temptation to confide in a friend of the opposite sex, especially if rebuilding is not going smoothly, about your marital difficulties you don't feel you can talk to your spouse about--maybe because they won't talk with you--can break down boundaries that unintentionally lead to an A.
4. This may be the biggy. A's tend to greatly diminish the self-esteem of the BS. Low self-esteem leaves one vulnerable to the temptation of an A because the OP fills a whole lacking in the BS's self-esteem. Especially if rebuilding is not going well or has hit a rocky place.
Any other reasons that might be true?
I've noticed for myself, I don't feel as comfortable being around other women as I did pre-A. I've worked around them most of my life in office situations without a care or concern. I've rarely ever had any. Now, I find myself worried what is going on in their mind and I feel very non-interactive with strangers especially. I'm more sensitive of boundaries than ever before. I wonder how much of that is due to being here and exposed on a regular basis to people cheating. After a while, it is easy to feel like everyone you meet is a potential A landmine and it has affected how I respond to them.
That got me to thinking, are people who are cheated on more likely than someone who hasn't to also cheat? I've not attempted to look for any studies on this, but when I think about it, there are several reasons a BS is more susceptible to cheating than one who's never been cheated on.
1. If one believes that sex is primarily a recreational activity, and they only refrain from cheating due to marital vows, they would tend to view their spouse's A as a "get out of jail free card" and cash it in.
2. Being cheated on increases the temptation of a revenge affair, especially if the CS puts on the appearance of doing fine and not repentant. "I'll show them how it feels" becomes a driving force.
3. Temptation to confide in a friend of the opposite sex, especially if rebuilding is not going smoothly, about your marital difficulties you don't feel you can talk to your spouse about--maybe because they won't talk with you--can break down boundaries that unintentionally lead to an A.
4. This may be the biggy. A's tend to greatly diminish the self-esteem of the BS. Low self-esteem leaves one vulnerable to the temptation of an A because the OP fills a whole lacking in the BS's self-esteem. Especially if rebuilding is not going well or has hit a rocky place.
Any other reasons that might be true?
I've noticed for myself, I don't feel as comfortable being around other women as I did pre-A. I've worked around them most of my life in office situations without a care or concern. I've rarely ever had any. Now, I find myself worried what is going on in their mind and I feel very non-interactive with strangers especially. I'm more sensitive of boundaries than ever before. I wonder how much of that is due to being here and exposed on a regular basis to people cheating. After a while, it is easy to feel like everyone you meet is a potential A landmine and it has affected how I respond to them.
More recently, there are moments I catch myself imagining being in a new realtionship, with a healthy man, that is willing to change and evolve as a person. I have grown & learned so much about myself through IC and at times feel like my H hinders some of my growth because he still wollows in his misery and sees change as a negative thing.
I can see only now, how easily it would be to fall into an A.
That's similar to a CS who has an exit affair. They are done with the marriage, and want out. Divorce is inevitable in their eyes. But it seems many times, whether BS or CS, they don't want to be the one to "pull that trigger," often for various reasons. But a big one is emotional and financial security. It is much easier to pull the divorce trigger once you have one foot firmly planted somewhere else you can land. Also, I think many who have exit affairs want the BS to find out, eventually, hoping it will motivate them to pull the divorce trigger, making them the meanie instead of the CS.
There is a way to do this "right" and it not be an affair, but many would probably not have the self-esteem and control to pull it off. It involves the concept of multiple layers of marriage, and therefore divorce as well: emotional union, legal union, social union, and physical union. A person of faith would add spiritual union.
Consequently, you can first emotionally divorce your spouse by announcing to him that you can no longer depend upon him to offer emotional bonding and support as a husband, and you are ready to begin seeking that emotional support from another person. There may be some discussion about it, but bottom line, if you don't trust him to change despite what promises he's offering, you announce your intention to seek it outside the current marriage by emotionally divorcing him.
At this point, you are still married, i.e., bonded to him in the other areas, save emotionally. So the equivalent of an "emotional affair" is no longer an affair or cheating since you are being open and honest with them and it doesn't involve sexual intimacy. But it would give the spouse the freedom to find someone who they can emotionally bond with, ie., fall in love with, as long as you're being honest with that person as well, and establish that safe landing place, you hope, when you pull the trigger to divorce.
The difficult part for many will be in not going further until divorce has become legal and social as well, by physically uniting with that person without being free to socially and legally unite to them. Then you have the definition of an affair going on and the damage that can bring not only to yourself, but the other person you've brought into the relationship.
However, if a person can wait until the marriage bond has been dissolved in the other ways before physically divorcing your spouse by uniting to another, then you have successfully transitioned into a new relationship and divorced without having an affair to do it.
Of course it is also taking a big risk. You are teetering on the edge of having an affair, and it would be easy to end up in one if you find you can't wait, and justify going ahead. After all, I'm going to divorce him anyway, so who cares? It would be easy to justify and fall into cheating yourself.
The only other downside to that is whether it is really fair to the OP you bring into the relationship to have them take the emotional risk this will all fall apart and they'll be emotionally stranded. After they fall in love with you, you then say, "Oh, I changed my mind. My H is much better now so I'm staying with him." Much cleaner to be fully divested of one marriage before sucking someone else into your love relationship.
For those two reasons, I'm not suggesting anyone do this, only that it is possible to have a growing relationship to support the transition away from a failing one without cheating yourself. My guess is, however, only a small percentage of us could pull that off successfully.
It sounds like it's only an emotional affair if it's a secret, and announcing the intention to get involved covers that. Then the marriage bond is separate. So, if the couple is common law married and there is no divorce to be settled, by your definition going ahead with a physical relationship would not be an affair, either, right?
I pretended to text message with someone and did what he did - guarding my phone and not letting him near it. Well, he's never been interested in my phone anyways, so that didn't do anything.
I also took way too long to go out for groceries one day. I got the groceries, then sat in the parking lot with my Kindle for 90 minutes and read a book. When I got home, he was on the couch taking a nap and had barely even noticed I was gone.
So, yeah. That was effective.
As for whether I'd REALLY have an A myself... I want to, because I feel very vengeful. I feel very vindictive. I'm sick of being a doormat and sometimes I think having an A myself would somehow fix that.
Except that no, it wouldn't. I'd just be risking disease and pregnancy and God knows what else for no reason.
But sometimes I think about it. I asked H what he would do if the tables were turned, if I had done this to him. He said he didn't know. But then he said he'd understand, because he feels like he's not worthy of me and has always felt that way. I guess he's talking the talk, at least.
My thoughts...hope it helps.
1. If one believes that sex is primarily a recreational activity, and they only refrain from cheating due to marital vows, they would tend to view their spouse's A as a "get out of jail free card" and cash it in.
I can imagine some folks thinking that after discovering a cheating spouse. Especially, if it seems like their spouse has been involved in sex as a recreational activity. Or, more likely, they might feel that way if they assume the cheating was just a thrill seeking activity. And, for someone like me, it might seem like that if for no other reason than the CS didn't just ask for a divorce. If the problem is some other factor, or set of factors, seems so much easier to just talk about it than to talk about what's not good about the marital sex relationship. I mean, it "seems" far more likely to discuss lessor marital problems than an "you don't do it for me" discussion.
2. Being cheated on increases the temptation of a revenge affair, especially if the CS puts on the appearance of doing fine and not repentant. "I'll show them how it feels" becomes a driving force.
That seems very viable. I mean, it's pretty tough to understand how a CS can do the things they do and not get the way that might feel if it was them on the receiving end. So, yes, I can see the "I'll show them how it feels" scenario. I would think that might be the most common reason. Thought about it myself in fact. My therapist suggested to me that even if I did do that, for no other reason, it wasn't likely my CS would "get it" because "they" don't feel like I feel. So, I didn't. Why bother if there's nothing to learn of it?
3. Temptation to confide in a friend of the opposite sex, especially if rebuilding is not going smoothly, about your marital difficulties you don't feel you can talk to your spouse about--maybe because they won't talk with you--can break down boundaries that unintentionally lead to an A.
This one would be a "no go" for me. I could hardly even imagine talking to my female friends about the fact that my H was untrue, much less a male friend. It's embarrassing enough to most likely induce me to share nothing with anyone at all. Not good. But true. And, I couldn't imagine any sympathy or empathy arising from a conversation like that.
4. This may be the biggy. A's tend to greatly diminish the self-esteem of the BS. Low self-esteem leaves one vulnerable to the temptation of an A because the OP fills a whole lacking in the BS's self-esteem. Especially if rebuilding is not going well or has hit a rocky place.
I think that may be true in way. I think that it might be likely that a BS might feel some reduced sexual esteem at the very least. I mean, it seems relatively obvious that the CS was not content with the BS or they wouldn't have engaged in the cheating? And, if the cheating was sexual, then that's where the line is? I mean, if the CS has only engaged as a close friend to someone, and the friendship remains a friendship with no sexual behavior, then?
So, it would seem viable, without some "real" thinking to have a knee-jerk reaction like that, even if one never acts on it. I mean, I know I didn't feel very good about my mate being so unhappy with me that some other is far more attractive...in whatever way? So, I certainly didn't feel like we were suddenly a happy couple? In fact, I knew he wasn't. And, since I realized he wasn't, then I certianly couldn't be? Although, just because I "could" go have a romp in the hay with someone, doesn't mean thy have any respect for me either? I mean, I can't see how that would raise any esteem at all. In fact, quite the opposite, since my esteem of myself is more internally based on value systems and the like, so a romp in the hay...is just that. Big deal? Whooohooo? And, what does that mean to me really? Nada! So, can't quite get the gain?
And, I'm not sure about any time being good in a rebuilding place. It's all rocky to me. So, I'm not sure of whether or not "rebuilding" is an issue at all?
Any other reasons that might be true?
I might ponder whether or not a tryst feels good enough to raise overall life satisfaction? I mean, if it made my H feel
soooo good to have a romp, enough to devalue "everything" else in order to experience it, maybe I missed something along the way? I did wonder at some point if "my" values were skewed? Perhaps a good romp in the hay, a bit of fun, a break from reality, or a Covette Z06 is better than the everyday real life of a reliable, economical, sensible, Volkswagon? So, that "might" be a reason. I did think about it a bit. I think I may have even suggested that to him, that in retrospect, his life seemed far more exciting and fun than mine had. So, maybe he was right, and I was wrong? Maybe entertaining that exciting feeling is better than responsibility? I still wonder sometimes, though, I'm not likely to "ever" engage an encounter. I won't, because if I did, I wouldn't be me anymore?
I'm relatively sure I could come up with a lot of reasons folks might go there and do that...depending on what they value.
So true! Too bad! HA!
Where and how do you even begin to say or do anything? I feel like I am watching a train wreck...
Look how well that's worked out.
It sounds like it's only an emotional affair if it's a secret, and announcing the intention to get involved covers that. Then the marriage bond is separate."
I know not everyone will agree with my understanding, but here it is in short form.
As mentioned, marriage is a multi-layered reality. There is the emotional bond (intimate friendship), the social bond (living together), the legal bond, the spiritual bond, and the physical (sexual intercourse).
The least needed bond to make it a marriage is the legal. That's just the state recognizing there is one there and gives it legal status in a court of law should a split up happen on deciding custody and asset division. For most of human history the state did not do that (Byzantine empire is the first instance of that as I recall).
People get the idea that the state decides who is married or defines marriage. Only within the law does it matter. The state does not have the power to make a couple married outside of a legal definition.
The other layers, minus the physical, are needed preconditions for a full and complete marriage. The physical creates the marital bond. Without the physical, the others create an intimate friendship, but not a marriage. However, creating only the physical bond without the emotional, social, and spiritual commitment to that "spouse" makes a farce of the marital bond created by the sexual union. So the other layers are needed to fulfill the physical union.
There are two fundamental level of affairs. One is a violation of marital intimacy. Emotional attraction, online fantasy affairs, discussing marital problems with the opposite sex who isn't a certified therapist, etc. These violate marital intimacy because it breaks the commitment to each other, reflected in the marital vows.
i read a good statement last night. It said it is true that you can love two people at the same time. However, you cannot invest your emotional intimacy 100% into more than one person. When you invest marital intimacy into one person, you are taking it away from another. If that "other" is one's spouse, that is the definition of an affair.
If a spouse commits emotional adultery, so to speak, by continued abuse, long-term and willful indifference, etc., then it violates the emotional bond, making the marital bond emptier of a full marriage. If the hurt spouse in this situation wanted out of the marriage, the first step would be an emotional divorce. In reality by that point, probably already has happened, but announcing that fact to the spouse makes it official. Without that open and honest communication that you have taken the first steps toward divorce, any withholding of emotional intimacy and giving it to another would be an affair.
Technically speaking, if you renounce your emotional marital vows, even while still married, with the intent to follow through on full divorce, you could become emotionally attached to another without committing an affair. Not simply because it is in the open, but because you have openly "divorced him" on that level.
The second type of affair is when sexual intercourse takes place. Since it is sexual union that creates the marital bond, any sexual intercourse with someone who is not one's spouse is the equivalent of divorcing and uniting to another, breaking the former bond. Regardless of whether the other spouse is aware of it or approves of it. That act destroys the marital bond, as opposed to simply making it meaningless as failure on the other levels would do.
So as long as intercourse was avoided, an open declaration of emotional divorce would technically leave one free to deepen outside relationships to prepare for the eventual full divorce without cheating or breaking the current marital bond.
However, such a route has great risks.
1. It is a fine line to walk and it would be real easy to find one in a full affair that you hide from your spouse.
2. Most would have a hard time avoiding temptation to go all the way, breaking the marital bond and uniting maritally to another..
3. If you change your mind about the divorce, you will have to deal with the pain of having fallen in love with another only to destroy that relationship.
4. Great potential to end up hurting the person you draw into such a relationship.
So not at all advisable. In theory, it could work. Practically, it is highly likely to end up as an affair.
"So, if the couple is common law married and there is no divorce to be settled, by your definition going ahead with a physical relationship would not be an affair, either, right?"
Not quite, but for different reasons. One, you didn't mention if the split is mutual and open. Two, having sex with another person unites them and breaks the former marital bond, so is a form of an affair. Three, common law marriage is a legally recognized marriage in states that define it as such. Legally a divorce would still be needed to settle any joint asset disputes and/or custody.
But I'll throw one more example for you. A couple gets formerly married and stay that way with kids, jobs, etc., for 15 years. At that time, things head south in the marriage. They are no longer friends, but enemies (emotional bond broken). They unofficially separate, so no longer living together (social bond broken). No divorce papers have been signed, but both spouses believe it is going to end there. To that point, neither spouse has participated in sex with anyone outside the marriage.
Could one of the spouses not only get involved with another person outside the marriage, even to the point of having sex with them, without it being an affair? I would posit yes, it is possible. Having sex will break the former marital bond, but that is intended anyway. If all that is left of the divorce is the legal divorce, that does not make you married or not married. It only gives a marriage legal status in the courts.
There are other issues involved, especially from a Christian standpoint, but I wouldn't call that an affair. The marriage is over and both people know it. Only the legal and physical divorce is left, so deciding to have sex would be a decision to marry that person.
That does have potential legal issues as well and other risks to both people involved in it. Like verbal commitments are easy to break. Having a legal divorce and marriage helps establish those commitments as real that should accompany a decision to unite sexually with another individual. Putting the cart before the horse can end up as a train wreck.
Likewise, by my definition, someone living together and having sex are married. All they may lack is to be legally recognized as such. To the degree they are emotionally, spiritually, and socially united as well, creates the meaning behind what a good marriage should be.
A one-night-stand is a real union with another, but without the emotional, social, spiritual, and legal commitments, is empty and meaningless. It is treating that bond for recreational and selfish pleasure/purposes, thus degrading it.
Ever since my H and I have been together, I haven't really thought about anybody else "that way." I've always been a serial monogamist but in the relationships before my H, when I'd meet someone else I kind of liked, my mind would always put them through an "interview" process to see if I'd like to go out with them and I'd indulge in little fantasies. That stopped when I fully committed to my H a few months into our relationship when we started dating, and I haven't thought that way in years.
Now, 18 days past Dday, and the last few days I've found myself slipping back into those kinds of patterns. I've been thinking about some of the men I know and putting them through my little subconscious "interview process." And I've fixated on one in particular from church. Fortunately, I only see this person once a week, and never ever alone (he runs the sound board for my church band while I'm a singer).
I have no idea what this is all about. I've been committing to a reconciliation and H wants to reconcile as well. We got our first "recovering from infidelity" books yesterday to read together, and I got him one on coping with depression as well. I don't want to think about other men. Based on everything I've seen so far, H and I have a really good chance at successfully reconciling - he is sorry, we've both taken responsibility for our parts in this, we are actively looking for ways to address our issues. But part of my brain goes on to think "is it possible to find someone who would never have done this to me in the first place? should I try to find that? do I deserve that?" I don't think I want a revenge A, because the pain of the aftermath of that would be unbearable.
Is this just part of the emotional rollercoaster post D-day?
However what you have said is very similar to feelings I have had so that makes me think it must be fairly normal. From the time I was with my wife (and we have been together for years from very young) I never had thoughts about being with someone else. I'm not saying I never had an occasional thought about another woman, I mean I am a guy, but never took it beyond just a passing thought. I never imagined being with anyone else and the idea of an affair, or being in a new relationship, never crossed my mind. Compared to most of my co-workers and guy friends I almost never noticed other woman, never thought about them, and didn't engage in the normal talk and actions of them so that is why now it seems so different.
However since Dday, well more like a few months after Dday as at the beginning I didn't even notice anything I think I was in shock,. I tend to notice women. Not just in looks but all around. I guess like you talk about the "interview process". I'm not actually looking for an affair or talking to them to find things out or anything but I cant help but size them up and think about who they are, the type of person they are, and yes how they look. I actually think I am attracted to other women and this is a very foreign concept for me, something that I either just didn't have or didn't allow myself to do before. I have so wanted to bring this up in counseling but am afraid it will freak my wife out and she will think that I am going to leave her or I'm out looking at other women, she has always been a very jealous person, despite KNOWING that I would never cheat (she told everyone she was ever with that I would never cheat on her). I am not really sure what to do about these feelings. There is some guilt involved and some confusion as well both in that I feel that by doing this maybe I am not putting all my attention on my family and rebuilding and also that I'm oogling other women. Why I feel this way with all that she has done to me I dont get that either.