Good post.
I dont know about any studies comparing BS to the general population and I'm not sure if BS's would be more likely to cheat than those not cheated one but something makes me think that BS might be more likely to cheat than if they hadn't been cheated on. In our counseling sessions despite my urging that I dont think I could ever cheat its just never been in me our therapist pointed out that BS's often do become much more vulnerable to an affair themselves. She also noted though that as far as "revenge" goes that an affair by an BS can never come close to the original affair of the CS as it just doesn't compare, the bond, trust, etc has already been broken.

I think it is different for each person, just like everything else, depending on who they were before, just what happened to them and what they plan on doing.

For me personally #1 and #2 do not apply at all.

#1 I never saw sex that way (yes I'm a guy and had some typical "guy" fantasies and thoughts of course) but I never saw my vows as holding me back and never wished that I was free to do whatever I wanted. I certainly do not see her actions as a get out of jail free card, even though she early on after Dday basically gave me that card and said to go ahead. I never have looked at any one elses actions as an excuse for me.

#2 I have no thoughts of revenge. I do not think she would even began to feel how I felt and I dont think it would accomplish anything, I do not have any desire to hurt her . Well maybe on my worst days I wish she could feel the way I do but I think for me the old saying "I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy" comes to mind. I would have to live a secret life for years completely undetected in any way by her doing all kinds of stuff to even began to get any "revenge" if such were the goal, and I have no such thoughts.

Now however #3 and #4 do fit for me.

#3 I am aware of my desire to now finally have a friend of the opposite sex to confide, I never allowed myself to have a friend of the opposite sex because I never wanted to put myself in a bad situation and my wife always was a very jealous person (despite the fact that she KNEW I would never cheat on her and told everyone that in messages I was never meant to see). I think it can be very easy to end up in a "victims relationship" meaning find someone with similar feelings and find a connection. It kind of started to happen with me and the wife of one of the guys my wife was involved with. We talked alot and helped each other a lot for about a month, she joked about revenge and hooking up, I was smart enough to make sure we never meet up in person but it certainly had some potential to go that way.

#4 Absolutely, I find myself sometimes wondering if I would be appealing to someone else and wondering if that would boast my self esteem, I cant take compliments from my wife now, but yet if another females tells me the same thing I can almost believe it a little, not just physical stuff but other stuff. My wife constantly tries to tell me how great of a guy I am and I am a "good man" but I cant help but think "yeah right so that is why you chose the exact opposites of me" but if another woman tells me that I am I kind of at least start to believe it.

AS for other reasons I think maybe one might be BS that think they want to leave and move on but are afraid to be alone so they try to find someone else first, I think that is fairly common.

Another reason may be for experience. They feel they missed out on something all of a sudden. My wife and I are high school sweethearts and she is the only woman I have been with (I dont really count fooling around in highschool) and I thought I was her only as well. To me that actually had meaning and I thought was unique and kind of cool in a way, she actually would talk about that and say the same thing. Its not that that is what I was looking for it just kind of happened that way so I thought it was a good thing to think was cool get some worth out of, and it kind of helped me keep on track and not stray at all. Now with all that blown out of the water it kind of leaves me thinking, wow, that has no meaning now and what have I missed out on, so in a way it makes me just wonder and maybe want to experience more. We had a very healthy sex life and I think experience most anything two people can but it will now forever be very different. Another part to that is knowing that if I do stay with her I am committing myself to being with one woman for life, something that used to not be a concern at all. Dont get me wrong I do not intend to have an affair but these are thoughts I have and I think many BS struggle with which is odd because it does seem like after what we have been through how can you even think about it.

Like you Cole50 I also find myself very uneasy around woman and though before I always made sure to not allow myself into any position that could become a problem and never really had female friends it was more because of what I saw happening to other people and I was making damn sure I didn't fall into that. Now though I am more aware because I feel I am more susceptible to it before, I would have rather cut my own fingers off than cheated on my wife and though I still feel I am strong enough to never give up that core part of me, the fact that it even crosses my mind is concerning.

I would agree with you Cole that I don't find myself comfortable being around other women especially when they are talking about their marriages in a negative way. I often wonder if there is a baited hooked . I used to have no problem joking with women and dropping innuendos. Now I remove myself from the situation in short time. I am aware of my vulnerable state right now and sense that if the opportunity presented itself I may not be able to resist the temptation.

I am currently wandering in a mine field fighting off the feelings of seeking out and meeting my sexual needs outside of our marriage. I am still able to resist the urges but 6 months of no sex is causing me even more pain.

Sadly W/CS says she has no feelings toward me the indifference i guess. What is keeping me here is the fact that I can still say I love her and mean it! What I don't understand is why she stays if she feels nothing for me. The "I love you but I am not in love with you" statement from her. I can't say she does not regret the betrayal. She has told me she does regret the past poor choices during conversation beyond that I am stuck with the common "I don't know".

"This may be the biggy. A's tend to greatly diminish the self-esteem of the BS. Low self-esteem leaves one vulnerable to the temptation of an A because the OP fills a whole lacking in the BS's self-esteem."

I know this is not really what you're talking about but I was cheated on in every significant relationship I've ever had. Bashed the crap out of my self esteem? You bet.

I agree good post. If any numbers would apply to me, they would be 2. revenge and 4. self-steem.
I would be lying if I said I ahven't thought about it. But then I think of the pain I feel everyday. I also have a hard time being around men. I think to myself, your probably a heart crushing *sshole too.
Number 2 is my husbands biggest fear!

Yes I would be more likely to cheat now but only on my CS, not on a future spouse or partner. I am a "do unto other's" person, but only after giving the other the chance to correct their fuck up.

Now, I would not care how badly I hurt her, since she seemed to not consider my feelings on multiple times. This is making my current healing easier, in focusing on me now, 100%, and not W anymore. I will really not care at all if she is hurt when I divorce her.

But I doubt I will cheat because I would not just be with any woman. It would need to be with a good woman, and I don't think I would find a good woman to be with while still being married. Therein lies the conundrum. I will not go slump busting just to have an A. I should probably stop now.

I think another reasons is the cheating spouse encourages it for various reasons -- guilt, understanding, excitement, wanting the marriage open, etc.

Going, very true. W has several times now said that she would not mind if I "was with another woman" (she did not say affair) as long as marital assets were not used or lost. (interesting). Post A she started using that logic that our instincts are to have sex with other people.

Psychologically this is all so obvious to me as to what she is saying.

DS ate up my reply so I'm trying again.

I could have very easily cheated while the ex was working overseas. I didn't and wouldn't. I didn't when I found out he had committed bigamy and fathered a son in the Philippines with another woman. I'm just not made that way. My marriage vows were sacred to me when obviously they meant nothing to the ex.

1,2,3 and 4 wouldn't have applied to me. I had a few offers from the men that worked on this farm when I first bought it. I drew that line that said no thanks.

Even now I don't cross that line when the man is married. Why would I want to cause some woman the hurt my ex caused me? I'm now almost 6 years post divorce and I isolate myself on this farm and I still get the occasional second look and hints. That line is still firmly drawn and they get an "I'm not interested" from me.

Going, I had actually thought of that reason but it slipped my mind in writing the post. BSs have reported here that their CS encouraged them to have an A to "level the playing field" as well as some BSs thinking that. They think it will help.

But it more akin to saying,, "Oh look! There's still some buildings left standing. Let's bomb them to so the entire city is leveled."

Good Job Going. You get credit for what you brought up!!!

I hadn't thought about this before, but it is a compelling discussion.

yes going that is good going that is another reason, my CS certainly hasn't suggest it for an open marriage but at one point as kind of a way to even things up and maybe make me want to stay, however as we started down the path to rebuild (and I do mean "started" because I think we are still at the beginning) she made it very clear that she could not imagine me being with someone else and kind of took back that suggestion, but while still saying she would understand.

I never, ever considered cheating.

Then my H did. I did consider it. I am not looking to cheat BUT he changed the rules. I think that if the opportunity presented itself, I just might. BUT I would never be the OW as they are
the scum of the earth. So I guess the guy would have to be divorced.

Funny thing is, I think he would give me a free pass if I did. Kind of takes the fun out of it!

Dalege - I am no longer married, but I totally see your pt. If I had stayed and, by design I'm not a cheater, I wonder if that part of me would still be that prevalent? You're right, the CS changed the rules of "the game"...so then what? Still play by the old rules?

County, I totally related to this comment of yours. Thank you.

Another reason may be for experience. They feel they missed out on something all of a sudden. My wife and I are high school sweethearts and she is the only woman I have been with (I dont really count fooling around in highschool) and I thought I was her only as well. To me that actually had meaning and I thought was unique and kind of cool in a way, she actually would talk about that and say the same thing. Its not that that is what I was looking for it just kind of happened that way so I thought it was a good thing to think was cool get some worth out of, and it kind of helped me keep on track and not stray at all. Now with all that blown out of the water it kind of leaves me thinking, wow, that has no meaning now and what have I missed out on, so in a way it makes me just wonder and maybe want to experience more. We had a very healthy sex life and I think experience most anything two people can but it will now forever be very different. Another part to that is knowing that if I do stay with her I am committing myself to being with one woman for life, something that used to not be a concern at all. Dont get me wrong I do not intend to have an affair but these are thoughts I have and I think many BS struggle with which is odd because it does seem like after what we have been through how can you even think about it.