You suffered a huge betrayal. I would suggest you get back into counseling. Find a new therapist. Therapists are doing online and phone therapy now, so you might be able to get started with it right away. Check with your health insurance's website, or Google therapists in your area.

Keep a private journal. Write out your feelings, get them out of your head.

Do you exercise at all? Even taking solo walks can help you to feel better, help clear your head.

It could take longer than 4 years. I hope you can find ways to help you feel better.

Thank you. I am looking into going back to counseling. I have tried to get my self into a routine of exercising. I think having a journal is a good idea.

Have you seen the YouTube videos on the AffairRecovery or MarriageHelper channels?

No I have not. I didnt know they had something like that.

What kinds of things do you want to talk about?

Are you in marriage counseling? Or individual Counseling? If you are in IC why? Do you feel there is something wrong with you?

I feel you on this! It's so hard. I always say I wish I could have that part erased like in the movie men in black! Venting, writing, crying, researching online stuff should help! Lots of YouTube videos helped me look into esther perel shes an author and she's helpful

@calirn13 I just feel there has been alot unsaid and I feel that me and my husband still have to talk in depth about our relationship and what is expected now. We had gone to marriage counseling and the first counselor we had I personally felt we came out worse then going in. She was pretentious in the sense that his first meet with her she told my husband that he was polyamorous and proceeded from there to give him advice on how to open our marriage up. I felt like what needed to be done first was fix what was wrong with our relationship not tey to add people to it. These were the types of meeting he would have with her individually but in my meetings she would never bring that up or suggest it to me. I felt like we were be pulled in two different directions leaving us feeling lost. The second therapist was alot more about fixing our relationship but my husband believes the first therapist and we were at a battle of what ibwant and what he wants now. Of course I said I didnt want that. That's not a life style for me and I have him an out. If he felt that was really for him. But he wants to be married so now it just feels like that subject is a weight on me because I dont want to be wondering if this is gonna come up again and I want to hash out everything. Hes very like dragging with talking about our relationship i think out of fear. I dont know. I haven't been able to let go of anything bc of this subject. The affair happened with someone I knew and we all work in the same area. It's just been very stressful time and i need closure.

@ free26 yeahbi really donwish I can dona reset button. Bc it really sux. I've never experienced such down as I have with this. Bc if the pandemic I have not been to IC. I was going and it was helping me but now I'm stuck home my mind Is running all the time. It's hard. I've also lost friends over this bc they feel i shouldn't be trying to make things work. But i have kids and I've been with my husband 16 years. It's not easy to just throw your hands up. So I have none really to talk to that would understand. I will look into Esther perel. Thank you for the recommendations

Honestly 4 years is actually a long time to still feel like you do, it sounds like you are carrying some resentment from unsolved or unhad conversations...even then you should maybe take a break and be on your own for whatever time you need to really look inside yourself if you truly believe that you could get over the betrayal... And no dont feel bad or wrong if you can't get over it, it's normal and reconciliation doesn't always work... Just don't betray yourself and your own life, you don't deserve to live like this