Sorry to sound such a Knucklehead, but what's NJF's?
I'm a bit of a PI. I wish i was a better one, actually. If I didn't do a bit of spying, I wouldn't know anything. It's been a year and a half since DDay, and I think she's at it again. I just don't know to what extent. I can't get in her Facebook or emails, she deletes her texts, and I don't know the password to get into our phone account. I'm not going to be an ostrich though, I'm going to keep plugging away

Crawl, NJF = Not Just Friends, the book.

The idea that if you have to keep tabs on a partner, what's the point of staying with them, is valid enough. One of the reasons I haven't done much email or phone checking is exactly that - another phone, another email account, etc....can always be used.

For me, doing the p.i. thing, even to the point of hiring a real one when things were coming to a head, was initially not about saving my marriage. It was just about getting the TRUTH so I could make a decision about my future.
But, we don't decide just to work on the marriage and regain trust overnight. We have to rebuild it and that does mean having ways to check up and reassure ourselves that our efforts to trust aren't in vain. Any remorseful, willing spouse understands that, even offers it.
For those who continue to lie and cheat despite all this, well they may get away with it for a while but eventually the same initial suspicions that told the BS something was wrong, will raise their ugly heads again. The BS has every reason, every right, to do whatever they feel is necessary to NOT be played for a fool again.

It is a good point that once you start checking so much that the marriage is lost. Before I found out about the addiction and the affair I never checked up on my spouse, she was off during the week several days each week, had her own phone/e-mail accounts that I never once thought about looking at. I looked back when I did find out how much she was lying to me and thought myself an idiot for not seeing that coming, but the majority of my friends and family told me that I was doing the right thing before, I had loved and trusted and didn't do anything wrong.

I guess the checking mode is my not wanting to get blindsided again, but I would think that if ever she put forth an effort to show me that I can trust, consistancy over time, that my desire to check up would go away. Can't say if that is true or not at this point. But it definately stems the question,,,,,,,,,,,should you check up or just let whatever is going to happen take place?

Mossy, I'm reminded of the old saying:
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Hugs
CR64

I got into the PI thing, found lots of crap. Also was told by hubby to stay out of his sh*t!! He went and got a prepaid phone. Has a password on his laptop. So I have given up, don't care if we stay married or not... I was brought up that a marriage makes you ONE, one shouldn't have to spy on the other.. If he leaves for another, hope he is happy, I know I will be. the stress of spying and wondering is so stressful..... Guess my heart has grown cold... Oh well

LR

These are all interesting points. I 100 percent understand wanting to know the WHY...and I also understand the why will never get answered in the hopes we truly want. Why is that? because they broke a vow that we, as betrayed spouses, completely can't condone, nor do we understand HOW that can happen. I've said it once and I will say it again: I was in the SAME marriage with the SAME problems...and I didn't cheat.
That being said, think about how much time you invest YOURSELF in by constantly running checks? I mean, does it end at some point? I'm not suggesting to blindly trust again, but when does it actually end? When will it become less a survival mode and more of an addiction? Seriously, I worry that so many people with so many wonderful things are spending all their time babysitting their spouses when they could be enjoying themselves, doing for themselves, enhancing their personalities.
This is certainly not meant to criticize, but how long does the marriage stay a warden situation before it bottoms out? Again, I understand handing them blind trust is next to impossible..but don't let it consume every fiber of your being trying to understand and fix a problem THEY created.

Are the cheating spouses putting in the same, if not more time trying to save the marriage as everyone who is investigating? Why should they be allowed to take our sanity on top of everything else?
Hugs!!!!