i did try to monitor him minus the recorder and camera. i dug deep into his computer and went through every item he owns. i even went so far as to shake all the books out, lol. never know what could be in those books he has read or reading.
i think it is normal to feel a obsession. its normal to need to firgure it out and do whatever it takes. i think yur well within your right.
did i feel better for my efforts?? HELL YES
stay strong

I've thought about taking it on as a profession someday, I think it would be great. My Sis in law and I joke all the time about becoming PI's together. Her H was very sneaky about his past and porn so I think she's a little better at it than me. I monitor phone records and that's about it. I was lucky, my H came clean.

Better, for sure! But I got mine before dday, and in fact had I not done these things, I'd probably not know what H had been up to and still be living in that world of unknowns and what ifs.

One thing I told H when we were talking the other day, when he said I just seemed like I had everything planned out when I confronted him on DDay, I said look, I wasn't going to confront you til I was sure what was going on. I'd had time to think about what I would do if it all blew up and you walked away, or if you wanted to stay and work things out. I took a long time thinking about what I needed to do to take care of myself, to feel secure again after you ripped my world out from under me.
The result was, a feeling of self confidence and regaining control of my life after the initial fear, panic & devastation of learning what you'd done to it.
I don't know how taking back my life could ever make me feel 'worse'. And yes, I intend to continue 'surveillance' for an indefinite period of time - some of it at H's own suggestion. LOL

I bought software from Mobistealth and installed it on her Android phone. I did this on a Wednesday morning. This stuff is unbelievable. It records everything, including conversations in the room, every text, even if deleted, photos taken, etc. On Friday, she mistaked my phone for hers, picked it up & the browser was open to the monitoring software. She came to me and said "are you doing this to me?" I said yes w/out hesitation (no lying from me!) She wasn't mad. She said "these are my consequences. I deserve no privacy." She was concerned that I might be monitoring her therapist sessions. I assured her that it was only for 3 days and I didn't discover anything. I removed it because I felt guilty.

I still check everything else. I wish I could know for certain that she's not living a double or secret life. There are no indications of such, but how can I trust a cheater!??!!!

Not sure why I bother, as she had a secret prepaid phone and doesn't use the computer.

I was running midnight raids on his phone, computer, and truck. I even stole the key to his mancave and went and made one then replaced it. Imagine my surprise while snooping when he was gone one day and I found their sex tape in his laptop. Up until that moment I thought the A was an EA and they were just sexting. Goodtimes. Yes, I became quite the PI.

Mossyhorn:

Ye, I have done most of the things you mentioned. I had to, so I can find out the truth. I used a PI, I searched phone logs, I read his emails, and I bought a voice activiated recorder. Unfortunately by the time I bought the recorder, the calls at home had stopped.

Since H does not use a blue tooth, I could not "spy" on his cell conversations, but I saw the log at the end of the month. His cell conversations were short, 1-2 min so were hers. probably to confirm a meeting or to arrange for one. But when he could no longer receive calls from her at home, he started using the cell a bit more; not for long. After a week of this, I put a stop to it.

I struggled a lot as to whether i should hire a PI; but at the end I knew what I was doing paled in comparison to what he was doing behind my back. I did what I had to do and I felt good. I would do it all over again; no regrets. I am not a rich person, but it was worth the money the PI cost. Like I said: no regrets.

Yup. I did the DIY PI thing. Mostly to satisfy myself that I was right and she was having an affair, despite her denials. Mostly minimal stuff; I took a chance and drove out to where he lived and found my wife's car there when she said she was at work.

We're now divorced so my PI career is over. I can say with all sincerity that I don't want that job again.

I am not sure it made me feel better, but it did give me the confidence to confront her, and to disregard her denials.

I chose not to do the PI thing, cause it's not my style, but I understand why people do it.

It's amazing how much one can learn when they are faced with it....I had such limited knowledge about the computer - emails and google only. Never looked at anything else. Once the IM came in at the wrong time (and believe it or not, I didn't even know we had IM at the time...)...it was amazing what I started learning about the computer. I just sat there for hours doing the midnight thing while H was sleeping and bit by bit...I learned everything on it. Becoming a PI on that was heartbreaking as that's where he had all the love letters, porno pics of his cyber ladies, etc. It was amazing how I tracked down all the info...to this day, I really don't know how I did it. It's not something I ever want to do again.....but I'll never live in ignorance again either.

Mine was working overseas and I still caught him. All his love letters were on his work computer and he gave me the password to remotely get in and take care of some insurance. It was all there. The pictures of him kissing a young girl. The letters from his new "wife" told me where to find the marriage license.

No need to look around any more. I'm divorced and happy.

I did the PI thing.

I found out about the A when he sent me an email. I knew something was wrong because he didn't call me on Valentines day. So, I traced the IP address from the email (whatsmyipaddress.com) and discovered he was in a five star hotel ... I called the hotel and had them transfer me to his room. He was shocked and I guess Valentines Day wasn't so grand for her.

I know someone at work who is cheating on his long time girlfriend. This isn't his first time, evidently, because she checks his texts,IM, etc...all the PI stuff. I asked him why he would cheat to begin with, and didn't it concern him how he had hurt her trust so much that it was like that? (He is aware my EX cheated, so he knows it's a touchy subject.) He replied, "No, I have an email she doesn't know about, and I tell my other women that the girlfriend has me on lockdown, so don't contact me, I will contact you."

Aside from the fact he is a pig, this goes to show, where there's a will, there's a way. His girlfriend monitors his every move, and all he had to do was tell he affair partners about it so they will help him keep it concealed.

Hey there,

I agree. However, i just want to say, I totally do understand doing the PI thing. I probably did in my own way when I asked him over and over for the details. I just, personally, felt like he did it, he admitted it, so what else was there? For instance, as far as I know, it was an EA only...however, I'm not dumb enough to think it probably wasn't a PA as well. Why didn't I care to investigate further? Because the EA was bad enough...the trust, everything I thought about this man, had been completely changed. The damage had been done already.
I realize where there's a will, there's a way. I don't feel every man is a snake, and I definitely don't think they will all cheat. I just know that if I'm in a new relationship and he does, then see ya! I don't have time to play games with people who can't stay honest. :o)

I feel like when one has to go to such length, everything is lost.

I don't think any of us planned or even thought about the PI mode in our "innocent" days....it was not part of our life...something unheard of. But when infidelity strikes...and we don't understand or there is not full disclosure.........we change. We look for the "why"...we're seeking answers we don't understand...........and the next thing we know...we're caught up in it. Maybe it's part of the crazy roller coaster emotions we are going through at the time.........I don't think any of us took pride in it.......who knows...part of it might be part of the healing to reassure ourselves.

It passes as you heal........I found it did.....your regain yourself....your beliefs and start living again. But for some...it's just something we have to go through..........