Good post I was actually thinking about posting something similar a few days ago but chickened out.

Yes I deal with this a lot almost exactly as you have said though a difference I would say that post Dday (not immediately but now) our intimacy level has returned to near "honeymoon phase" level or more, physically anyway, emotionally it is no where near the same. I also still find my wife attractive (because I know if I can think realistically she is) but again it is different now.

Prior to Dday and throughout our whole relationship I never noticed other women, I mean abnormally so, my guy friends would make fun of me for it at times even. If I noticed one in any way I noticed that they were "pretty" not "hot" if that makes any sense. I cant really explain it is just the way I was. I know part of it was the way I was raised and also that I didn't want to screw anything up, I had seen many friends and co-workers do so, and also I just was plenty happy with what I had (or thought I did).

Post Dday though there has been a big change I find myself noticing other women all the time, I find myself attracted to them. I have not allowed myself to interact at all or anything but just like with you this bugs me now and I deal with it all the time. I will catch myself somewhere feeling that attraction and noticing other women and think, this is not the me from before. There is also that part of me, and I know its not a good sign, that feels that I deserve to be able to feel that way now.

If you have eyes, then you will see that there are attractive people in the world. But being actually DRAWN to them and being tempted is totally different.

What you are actually attracted to is the possibility that they may validate you. You crave the ego boost you may get. I think it's important to recognize the difference.

How to deal with it? Like you said... day by day.

I'd also tell your partner what's going on. He needs to realize that it's due to HIS behavior that your ego took a nose dive and HE needs to do his part.

You also need to validate yourself so some third party isn't in the mix.

This is a really good post! I am a few weeks into finding out about an affair, but it is the second one in our marriage sadly so I am much better emotionally than before if that makes sense. I can relate on many levels to what you are feeling. For me personally it is not a validation issue. I am fully aware of my worth. The validation issue is my husbands. I think a huge part of me wants him to fully get how this feels. Thankfully a bigger part of my heart knows it is out of my control and I have to remain a woman of integrity and walk this journey with my head high. It is ok to feel a wide range of feelings. You are not alone on this...

Great post. I agree with #1. We were married 18 years before her affair 5-6 yrs ago. I never attracted women probably because I appeared so unavailable. I would notice other women but never think "hmmmmm, I wonder..." And I started noticing women noticing me. Our intimacy is back but forever altered and IMO this comes with the territory of being cheated on. I will never trust her 100% again and that small non trusting part I think is what opens us up this way. I think you are normal. Our spouses did this. I did not ask for this natural change.

Great post! Lots of good points people brought up here and I think it all applies.

I never noticed other men unless there was one aspect that stood out like "nifty outfit" or "nice eyes." I was likely so good at suppressing myself into oblivion, I truly wasn't all that into appearances, and I really focused my attentions on my H.

After the A, I can't gaze upon my H with complete adoration. His actions have altered my perception of his physical attributes. I've definitely taken a few steps back from him because I won't allow myself to rely on him for validation.

I have to find my own self worth by working on improving myself through learning new skills and spending time on myself. The more time I take to improve myself, the more validation I get from third parties noticing. I'm not actively seeking it, but I'll take it because they don't carry all the messy emotional entanglements of my marriage while at the same time they're superficial enough that I don't place a lot of importance on them. It's like my H's opinion doesn't really count any more and I appreciate the seemingly more "objective" outsiders acknowledging my efforts.

When I catch myself feeling bad for finding a man attractive or flattered that he finds me attractive, I remind myself that my H chose this path and dragged me into it without my consent or knowledge. I don't flirt. I keep my distance. Unfortunately, I'm also keeping my distance from H, too, and he senses that trusting part of me died. As far as I'm concerned, if he's motivated to show me more appreciation, that's a good thing. It's one of the few good things that have come out of this whole mess. But damn, what a price to pay.

I have to admit, when I first posted this and no one responded for what seemed like forever, I was embarrassed. I wished I could have deleted the post. I jumped to the conclusion that this is not normal and I'm on the road to an affair of my own by feeling this way. Once you all started responding the fear that I'm turning into some awful person I don't want to be in response to his actions abated and that sense of no one understanding was gone. So thanks. I know I wouldn't ever have an affair but the validation comment sounds about right. I want to feel wanted I guess...not like some secondary, convenient thing that just hangs around. All the responses have been dead on and really helpful. I hate that anyone has to go through this but I'm glad I'm not alone. xo

I guess you got these responses when they were supposed to come. That is how I pretty much live my life now. If things are in my control, fine, it not, I no longer worry about them, which includes my wife's happiness. Getting my own life really made the biggest difference for us.

I needed validation so badly but finally realized that this was not in my control either. So, I focused on my children, on my business, and doing charity work for those in need. It took some power away from my wife, power that I let her have after her affair.

Hopefully you know now that you can post anything here. Sometimes it just takes awhile for people to see it. :)

So, you relied on us to validate your feelings???

Not pointing fingers, just noting how powerful it is when you give it over to another person to say, "You're okay. You are good."

Validation, isn't that what brings most of us to support groups? Isn't that what most posts are about?

Deli maybe I'm misreading you, but your comment seems a bit condescending. Especially since you have had you're share of posts that seem to seek approval or agreement. We all want to know we are not alone or crazy.

OuchMyHeart you were/are concerned that you are on the road to your own affair because in reality you are probably further down that road then you ever were before, even if your not even close it is a change that scares you. I feel the same way, I do not believe I could ever have an affair and if anything all these new feelings just add into the "do I stay or do I go" battle. However, prior to Dday I did not have these feelings at all, yes I did have "eyes" but truly did not find myself attracted to other people at all, maybe I found certain things attractive but if so it was subconscious and I paid little attention. Maybe I am wrong and you do not feel that same way but that is the way I decided it was with me, that no I do not think I am on my way to having an affair myself but I am certainly closer to it then I ever was before, even if slightly, before I would have cut my own hand off before I touched another woman with it.

I do not know if there are any statistics or studies out there but I'd be willing to bet that in the case of a BS who previously would have never ever cheated, that post Dday the possibility of them doing so increases which in a way seems odd because they despise cheating and cheaters.

The validation thing is a big part of it too I'm sure, and I do think that for many BS they do end up thinking/feeling like you (and me and others).

There's a difference between sharing feelings and finding common ground as a means of support vs. placing one's self worth entirely in the hands of others who are motivated by their own agendas.

Pink stated it wonderfully when she said we just want to know we're not the only ones and we're not crazy. We might seem needier than the average Joe simply because we are wounded to the core and we reach out to those who have had similar experiences with infidelity. I think it takes a lot of chutzpah and inner strength to open up as much as Ouch (or anyone else here) did and does. And damnit, I think we all need to give each other high fives for extending that level of trust to each other.

I think it's normal to find others attractive, and I can see why a BS would be attracted to others. I mean, the CS went ahead and let themselves be, so the whole "only you until death do us part" thing is forever ruined, and I can see where a BS would wonder, "Why the hell can't I?"

I don't condone cheating, but I can see why this would happen.

It is common to feel the way you do. You are the better person. So don't kick yourself down because you feel the way you do. Let him know how you feel. It may piss him off a bit, but look at it this way. You had to deal with knowing what he did. All your questions may not have been answered, but, you must communicate in order to keep the marriage alive.
I used to talk to other women before the marriage (hall pass) , but nothing ever happened. After the wedding I stopped talking to other women because I did not want to tarnish the marriage. After I found out about the affair I started to talk to a few women who are very close to me.

She told me after I found out about the affair that she noticed that when I stopped talking to the others, our sex life went down the drain. I never really saw it that way because I hardly if ever talked about sex with the other women. Now that I started talking to the others, the high sex drive is back. I feel it is the communication between the wife, not the others. Now others may feel different about this comment, but I feel that certain things in a relationship are critical. I failed to see the signs that she was having an affair, but I didn't want to do the same to her.

Yes there are some very beautiful people out there, and Yes there comes a time when you feel like you want to cheat/have impure thoughts about others! It is only natural to feel that way. Especially after an affair. I do feel that you must communicate this with the spouse. Let him know what you are thinking or how you feel. You can't hurt him any more than he hurt you.

Sorry I didn't mean for this to drag on...

I think it is normal to see and maybe feel things you didn't before. Sometimes it is nice to feel wanted or that you are still attractive. My CS brought this out of me. I didn't feel Like I was wanted at the end and then find out that it was actually happening for 12+ years of my marriage. I never noticed anyone other than my spouse
I was so not the norm. I really only had eyes for my husband. It didn't matter who walked by me...my husband was my world. No after the affair i notice others and it feels good to be noticed. We are trying to work it out I guess. I say i guess I never know if I am getting the truth and the unknowing is a turn off. I had a guy ask me out tonight...sat down next to me and adk if i wanted to grab dinner. I have a ring on and it makes me wonder...what kind of world do we live in. Am I strong enough to keep turning him down? I hate that my husband changed the course of my perfect life.

wow... I really needed to read this thread!!

I have a horrible want to cheat, but gross myself out at the same time while thinking about it.
Its like I want to say "ha, others think Im hot too and would %$#* my brains out too"
But thats the angry part of me and Im working on letting go.
Even though Im pissed, hurt and wanna prove something... it just not in me.... annd find myself still attached to my gf, even though not feeling like I want to have sex with her as much.