Sadwife, if you look back, I'm sure your life wasn't perfect, though it sure as hell must've been better than life after dday. I take some comfort in knowing that I'm no longer asleep with pleasant lies. And just as we are in a bad spot now, we will reach a better place. It just takes so freaking long.

Progress, I'm guessing that your dday was relatively recent and/or you were subjected to infidelity multiple times? Your frustration is palpable, but I'm glad you found some helpful words in this thread. :)

shtmyhbdid....yes you are really so right...i thought it was perfect...or seems perfect compared to now.

Yes as much as I sometimes find myself wishing life was like it was before I make myself realize that before it was not what I thought it was so yes I am thankful that I am no longer living a lie even though when I was it felt great and I thought my life was just what I wanted it to be.

For me I cant say that I want to cheat nor is it because I want someone to want me in that way (I mean I do but thats not it) for me it is just a total change in personality I guess that I now notice others, I was always abnormally "good" compared to all my guy friends and I feel like it got me no where.

Something I had to be very careful of after my husband's affair was to not lean on my male friends and to not seek out validation from other men. It was just too dangerous.

No, I wouldn't have sought out an affair - but I could see what a slippery slope it was sitting from the betrayed side of things.

Sometimes, if I have more than a passing "ooh lala" moment toward someone else, I bring it up to my husband. Not in an unkind way, just a gentle, "This is on my mind," kind of way. This keeps me honest, and generally, Huz will get all silly, "hey, I can be/have/do, too!" and I'll redirect my attention back to him, where it belongs.

Prior to my husband's affair, I used to lean on other guys to meet my needs. Not sexually, but as far as general companionship. Huz wasn't a master of conversation and never was interested in the same hobbies and free-time activities as me. So I'd hang with other guys and find myself more happy with them than with him as a result. After his affair, I realized that even though I wasn't banging around on him, I was in a sense cheating - cheating him of the opportunity to meet my needs.

It's scary (and sometimes immensely hard) to open myself up to my husband. As mentioned: I no longer see him through the same eyes as I once did. Where once I excused, ignored, or forgave certain frailties and faults, now I am almost hyper critical in my mind.

In the beginning of our recovery, my husband failed (a lot) and even gave up at times at even trying to meet my needs. However, the better I have gotten at opening myself back up and LETTING him be my guy and the better I've gotten at expressing my needs the better he's gotten at meeting them.

Yes, I often meet someone else who seems to more naturally "fit" with what I like, but I know in my heart I'd rather have my own husband with whom I've spent the better part of 22 years than someone new who really only seems sparkly and shiny because, well, because he's new to me.

Yes allora you are right that it can be dangerous for sure. For me I now have the noticing others, but I am still the same "careful" self as before and make sure I do not put myself in a situation as I am now actually vulnerable. I still find myself avoiding females that I know would validate me but yet unlike before I notice a lot. Unfortunately also unlike before avoiding those situations does not make me feel the same. Prior to Dday I never sought out other females to meet my needs (and still dont) because back then my wife meet my needs pretty well or atleast the person I thought she was, if I had really know then know my basic needs and wants would not have been being met at all.

So...I'm drunk. I feel like I'm a pretty adequate typist and speller though albeit much slower so I'm still going to respond. I went out with some friends tonight to celebrate a 4.0 in school now that I'm done exams and apparently am much drunker than I realized. I only noticed after I got home and was so drunk I forgot I plugged my phone in then proceeded to attempt to sign in with H's password because I thought I dropped my phone outside for a few minutes and wanted to find it with his phone flashlight only to get locked out and wake him up to accuse him of changing his password...it was my phone. Before anyone takes the time to berate me on my drunkenness I assure you this does not happen often. I'd say maybe once a year. Either way I meant to respond to Allora's post earlier but was in a rush. Your post was fantastic. When you said you now find yourself hypercritical of your husband I realized that is me now. I'm sometimes so critical and unintentionally argumentative. I want my husband and I love him I just wish I still knew he felt the same and wish I felt the same as I did before and didn't think of him and some sneaky stranger putting up a front. Having a fling would of course be fun in the moment but I am not that person and the guilt would haunt me for the rest of my life regardless of what he's done. Let his guilt haunt him, I don't want it. After reading your post I felt compelled to admit him how I've been feeling to him and unfortunately he reverted to his typical "I'm sorry, I'm doing everything I can." Unfortunately I don't feel he is but have no advice on what further he could do when he asks, that's what he says anytime I bring anything up. That he's doing everything he can because he now turns on a phone tracker every time he's going to be late from work. That's it. That's his everything he can...I'm hoping all of this will be as cohesive tomorrow as it feels right now. Even out tonight I had a man hit on me and a friend of mine who makes it fairly apparent would wish to step in should I leave my husband but I have no interest in that. If I'm not with him I think I'd rather just be alone with my boys. Like you pointed out I do meet people who I think feel like a more natural fit and yet I still want him, there has to be some reason for that. I do however feel apprehensive at the prospect of wasting my youth on him, I've been with him since I was 20 and reading something like "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." makes me feel so foolish. It seems so true. Anyways...this is long...and probably brutal and rambling. I apologize to anyone who took the time to read it. I've been drinking and who I am is broken. I'm not the same person and I miss me. I feel as though I let the person I was down by staying in this situation after telling myself 1000x that I would never be "that woman". I broke a fundamental part of me by accepting this situation...and I feel sorry for that me. I don't know who I am anymore.

OuchMyHeart its good that you were able to have a night with friends. That is one of those situations I avoid because I just dont know how it would go over, also I do not drink, almost never, so again dont know what I'd do now, not saying I would cheat at all just could imagine myself drunk saying things I shouldn't or wanting to go confront OM, something I never got to do because of my job.

A couple things you said hit home for me and how I feel. You said that having a fling would guilt you and haunt you. That is how I feel though I know if I would actually feel guilty for doing it to her, I'm afraid that I have kind of lost that strong sense of commitment that I once had, being faithful to her was one of the biggest things I "owed" her and I dont really feel that anymore. An affair by me at this point though I'm sure would hurt her and hurting her in any way does bring guilt, just as hurting anyone does, it would not even began to compare to the way she hurt me. I know I would feel guilty for going against my core values though and after the "fun" I think I would feel like I lost even more of myself then I already have. I think that is now what keeps me grounded instead of the previous feeling of commitment and loyalty to her and our wedding vows. Its just not quite such as strong of an anchor grounding me I guess if it was I wouldn't even notice other people or give it the slightest thought.

Just exactly like you when I get to feeling unhappy my wife will say "I'm sorry I'm doing all I can" and then ask me for anything specific that I want her to do, but I never can come up with much.
Sometimes I will say to talk about something but to her its the same ol stuff that has been talked about and I'm just saying the same things. I often just feel like she should or could be doing more but dont know what that "more" is. I think in reality what it is is that its just such a damn hard situation to deal with that there is nothing she can do that will just make it all better. Also she can do things to make the "now" better and help me deal with the present, like what you said with being transparent, but there is little she can do to help me accept and deal with all the stuff she did for all those years. I never expected this to be easy at all though and in many ways feel the way I figured I would if I tackled trying to stay.

I recall some talk in other post by you of that "I'm broken" feeling. It is am ever present feeling here as well, I really miss who I was, and who I thought we were, what I thought my life was. As I have said in several previous forums besides just plain dealing with the stuff she did, if I could pick one thing that is my biggest road block to recovering from this, its that I just cant stop missing that old me and mourning the death of that old life I thought I had.

You apologized by saying "I've been drinking and I'm broken" I can only imagine what I might do or say or post if I added that to the mix lol, so I'd say you did a very good job, in fact I would have never guessed you had been drinking.

As far as feeling like I let myself down by staying in the situation and that the old me would have never stood for this, the old me never could have predicted what it would be like, it is so easy to say you would never stay with a cheater until you experience it, its like saying you could never cut your own arm off if you had to do it to survive. For me it at times kind of seemed like a darned if I dont danged if I do situation as far as who I am, was and want to be. If I stayed then I was letting that old person down for being with someone that was not who I thought they were and could do something like that to me and I was, in a way, giving up on the type of life I wanted and I thought I had. If I left then that part of me that was the big "family man", wanted to do what was "right" and did so deeply love my wife was giving up as well. I have discussed this in counseling before that I felt that either choice I made was letting the core of who I was down. I ultimately made the choice that I felt was best for my family and no one knows if that is the right one or not or how it will all play out.

Ouch - I am right there with you sister. I hate the way this has made me feel and the person I have become. I hate being insecure. I know where you are coming from....I am sorry we have to go through this. I wish I could drink...I would drink every day. :)

Hang in there.
Hugs

I never was a drinker but sometimes I feel that I should. I know exactly what you mean, the same always happens to me. It's so weird since I never felt like that before the DDay.
I guess I became more vulnerable even though I never crossed that line.

Yes, I did, but I would never lower myself to that person's standards, I'd rather divorce and let him be exactly who he is, and I could remain a good person still.