exhusband? never

exsociopath - well yah, thats his whole way of being, not just with me, but with everyone

CS STBX seems to more now than they did before, i dont know what app, she used on her iphone where she became the internet floozy she ended up being but we seperated in November, recently i have gone on dating sites and now that i am 6 + months after she moved out, she trying to say see you are doing it. and pick fights with me.

i fought back on sunday this past week though, my STBX came to my house to swim in the pool with the kids, while she was there i got a text from my mother and was answering it, at the same time, my oldest daughter asked me a question, and MY STBX said better leave dad alone he is talking to his girlofriend, to which i replied to my daughter sorryi was texting yoru Nanny, i am not your mother in wont ignore you for anybody,

this gets to her cause my kids always say she is on her phone and never pays attention to them. she only gets the kids 2 days a week, due to her work schedule

Yes. It's been 3 months since I found out and I feel as though he's crushing me...he's not even doing anything anymore but I definitely feel broken and shattered and crushed. I'm suffocating under the weight of what he did and the paranoia of more. I would definitely say he succeeded in breaking me with his plethora of confessions as I'm not even sure who I am anymore.

My long-ago X, was definitely a sociopath. Though, I believe he didn't necessarily want to break me, or bring me down, though if I acted like him it would have. I think that he wanted what he wanted. He wanted me for what I gave him. He wanted the other things he did for what they gave him. It was all about getting "all" of what he wanted. And, to do that, he had to manipulate me, because had I known the "other" that he wanted, I would have left. In fact, when I found out about it for sure, I did leave. I "know" his past, and his past very much affected everything he did. He was a miserable, insecure, frightened, angry person inside. His behavior outside reflected all of that. I believe that folks who have some pride, internal respect and honor, reflect that outside of themselves too.

There was no way, ever, for him to either break me, or make me, be what he was. If he ever entertained that idea, he was delusional. Well, he was delusional, but perhaps not in that particular way. I did know someone who did such things though....what a psycho!

My CS/Ex (first marriage) definitely did that. Anything she could do to goad me into reacting she'd do. keep the kids from me, tell them lies about my Wife and I. She even let my kids think that my present wife broke up the marriage. I didn't meet my wife until AFTER the divorce was final. But the kids bought into it - Mom vs step-Mom regardless of truth. Sign up her boyfriend to go to a father/daughter dance without even telling me about it. The list goes on and on.

During the process of the divorce, she falsely accused me of physical abuse and had a temporary restraining order issued against me. My ex is the reason women who are actually abused are not taken seriously.

For my kids sake, I fought hard to maintain the high road. I tried to not discuss these things with or around my kids. But I will admit I did get sucked into her games from time to time. It just got to the point where I had to defend myself and my (new) wife.

Ironically, it is because of that experience that I fully accept my responsibility for my present situation. I will not do that to my wife. Why couldn't I remember that lesson BEFORE I messed up?!

STBX-yes I would have to say that he tried especially after I discovered his favorite pastime aka addiction. He tried to make his issue my fault. Because I am out-going, he turned to the 900 numbers. Then it was because I didn't give him reassurance that we were going to make it through he lost his job. Never taking responsibility for his own actions.

Yea - I do not for the life of me get the drama addiction the CS seems to like to swim around in.

They are the cheaters - they seem to love to cause that whenever they are in these A.

Anyone who can shed some light on the reasoning or non reasoning behind that would be appreciated.

Onyx - in general CS's get into the A's because life got "routine". The sub-conscience brain says "There has to be more than this...work, home, dinner, tv, bed, work, home, dinner, tv, bed, work, home, dinner, tv,bed." Then our semi-conscience (stupid) brains perceive our spouses "routine" behavior as "She doesn't love me anymore". because we are relying on our spouses for excitement - the same excitement we had when we were new to each other.

Along comes the AP - excitement and no responsibility! The drama comes in because of the lies. CS's must make their spouses seem worse than they are, so routine reality gets "embellished" to "horrible existence." And just as lies begat lies, drama begets drama. Sooner or later new drama become routine and that just won't do. So drag everyone into the drama to advance the "excitement"

Just my thoughts - in general.

impono - that makes sense actually.

I'd also add - if anyone is looking for excitement - then they should pick up an exciting hobby to them.

It's not fair on the BS to have to give constantly someone else "excitement".

I picked up fishing and video games when I got boried of my ex. I didn't pick up cheating - to me that would be shelfish and stupid on so many levels.

again I find these to be oversimplifications, generalizations that demonize cheaters, when some of the cheaters I know are not like that

can we use the word "some" rather than generalizing?

Joyride, that's not likely around here. I've been asking for such moderation for years big it's more popular to group us all together and bash away. Not much different from the idea of embellishing a routine life until it looks like a horrible existence.

Around here exaggeration is often the order of the day.

I spent 12 years living with verbal, mental and emotional abuse from my husband. It was not until we started counseling and reading a,lot of healing books, after my affair, that either of us recognized his behavior for what it was. While it doesn't excuse my cheating, it's no wonder I was miserable. I had no need to embellish or delude myself into believing my life was awful. It was.

Sadly yes, and even more sad, he achieved it. Made me feel as i was worth nothing.

This was not at all the case in our situation. I don't think I was broken before the A. I was definitely broken after. In the A I actually prayed that H would be spared the pain of finding out, but then I also prayed for God to save me from myself so obviously they couldn't both be answered. He had to find out for me to get saved from myself. I broke myself and I hate that. I broke my H and I hate that even more. thankfully brokenness can be mended with enough work.

Gabi, if you HAD to summarize (generalize) your situation (marriage and daily life) just prior to the A into just a few words, what would it be? Boring Routine or horrible marriage and existence?

Mine was boring routine.

SOMEtimes I think we need to offer broad explanations. Because SOMEtimes they "actually make sense" And as a CS, seeing the pain MY actions have caused, the cheating part of me should be demonized. Anything less allows excuses to come in through the backdoor.

Joy and Fiber - instead of worrying about being demonized in generalizations, why not provide an answer to Onyx's questions? By helping the BS's understand our behaviors we can accomplish two things. Assist in their healing AND look deeper into ourselves to discover our own fears, faults and frailties. SOME on here think they're all better and don't need to look deeper into themselves. They think they've worked through all of the shit in their lives. If that were true - they wouldn't be on a support group website.
EVERYDAY!