No, you are not the bad guy.

There is no time limit to when you can get over this, and 5 years isn't really that long either, and also when she is currently being verbally abusive to you.

You have a right to how you feel. She is the one that caused these problems, so she has no right to tell you how to feel or when you should "get over it".

I have found infidelities take a long time to get over, and it takes BOTH people putting 110% into making the marriage work. It does not appear that she is doing her part to make you feel loved, safe, and respected.

Is she still going out drinking? Because that has to stop. Now. Put your foot down. Tell her that is not productive to this marriage and that it has caused too many problems and so no, she can not go out drinking anymore.

I'm glad that you are in therapy. Tell your therapist exactly what you want to work on. I find therapists need some guidance in what you need to work on.

And in between therapy sessions, go on YouTube and watch (all free!) videos about dealing with this situation you are in. And Google free articles to read about how to get yourself stronger and how to stand up for yourself.

It just seems to me that your wife is verbally abusive and thinks she can walk all over you. You can stop this. Just have to get yourself stronger mentally and build up your self esteem.

And you *can* always walk away from this. You have choices. You don't have to stay in this relationship at all.

Check out the YouTube videos and free articles online. They can be very helpful. Let us know how you're doing.

Hard to stand up to anything as when I try to I get yelled at and threatened with her saying I can’t live like this. Drinking is still occurring. Still 3+ or so drinks most nights at home. Hasn’t gone out much because her job isn’t in session right now. But that will change once the ramps back up.

First my heart goes out to you. I pray you have a platform to get therapy as part of your healing. You didn’t deserve what happened to you. It seems like your wife is gaslighting the situation.

I have felt for a long time gaslighting has been going on but just put up with it to keep the peace. However it doesn’t stop, she will say things like you’re the reason I drink and the reason I do what I do is because I’m lame. And when I do speak up she gets spiteful, she will do things simply because I don’t like it. The other day I caught her in a lie as she stated she was going to meet with a friend. I hadn’t heard from her in awhile and couldn’t get ahold of her so I contacted this friend who said they weren’t even together that night. I’m just lost and have no clue what I need to do. I love her and my family but her behavior has to stop and I’m not sure if she ever will. I’m scared to lose everything.

How is the therapy going for you? You said you started therapy recently.

Have you considered going to Al Anon? There would be people there going through the same thing, and you can find support there, people to talk to, etc.

I know you want to keep your family together. But with her self destructing behaviors, she is not choosing to keep the family together with you. You need to decide at what cost will you go through to keep everything together while she goes out drinking and texting other men?

Do you think talking to her side of the family would help? Sometimes, we need other family members to step in and have a talk with the alcoholic spouse. She might listen to them, over you.

Most importantly is to take care of yourself, first and foremost. Staying strong, and keeping a level head. Especially for your kids.

Therapy is going ok. I’ve been working with someone who I’ve at least found some validation in the way I am feeling. This person seems to understand and made it known many others would likely feel similarly if in the same situation. Hard part is I’ve been going via digital means and I do think in person would benefit me more. I live in such a rural area that’s not always easy to do.

I am trying to find the right places in al anon as well that is for people like me but most of what I am finding is for those struggling with that addiction. If you know of where to go I’m all ears.

I’ve considered talking with her family but have refrained for now because I don’t think it would bring anything good at this point. Her father struggles with the exact same things and her mother has basically been in my shoes for the better part of 35 years. Long story short no not yet.

I’m trying my best to stay strong. I have good days and bad days. I’m pretty sure I have some sort of PTSD from the whole cheating situation and I struggle with trust. But she doesn’t seem to care. She is leaving for a work trip tomorrow and I’m on edge and it sucks. So it’ll be me at home with our three kids for the next 3-4 days. I worry about the drinking and what happens on these and can’t seem to get through that.

I think Al Anon is for families, spouses, friends.... of alcoholics. Do a Google search for "Al Anon". I believe they have online meetings, too. They are free, no cost, so might be worth looking into.

Yeah, that is understandable that you would be on edge for her going on this work trip.

Do you trust her at all anymore?

If she has no desire to stop the drinking, get herself together, be a loyal wife and good mother..... Do you really want to stay married, when you are the only one doing anything productive and healthy for the family?

Just because we made vows, doesn't mean we have to stay with them forever when they broke their vows.

Thanks for Al anon info. I’ll have to look. Truthfully I don’t know if I do trust her anymore. There have been too many instances of deception and disrespect. I want to trust I really do but each time I start to get to a more trusting spot something occurs where it breaks down. Recently there was a night she disappeared for awhile and she said she was with her friend. I messaged that friend and she said she wasn’t with her at all.

It’s so hard because everything I do in our relationship is backed in respect. Respect for her and our family. While everything she does supports her ego and her need to feel like herself. I feel very manipulated all the time because if I try and set a boundary of things I find unacceptable in a relationship she manipulates it to be a personal attack on her and that I just don’t like who she is.

Those vows we made mean something to me and I want my family. I can’t be a weekend dad. It scares me to think I wouldn’t be able to ask my kids how their day was or hug them on a daily basis, or be there for them when they want me.

Stay strong and protect yourself

Well here it goes again. I recently discovered sneaky Snapchat conversations going on with her and another man. I feel like such a fool. I felt in my gut something was going on but she always reassured oh no nothing. I learned my lesson the first time. Found out that on a drunken night on a work trip she kissed a guy in a parking garage and has been in contact with him over the summer again. I’m seriously lost and do not know what to do. I’m hurt, disgusted, sad, embarrassed, just all around sucks. I don’t know what I did to deserve this.

Thanks for the update. I'm sorry that you discovered more infidelities from her. Have you discussed this with your therapist?

YOU did nothing wrong. She is the one making these choices, and she makes choices to put herself into situations that could result in cheating.

Time to put yourself first. You don't *have* to stay in this marriage. You deserve to be with a loyal partner, who you are not wondering what they are out doing. Talk to your therapist. It's okay if you have to leave this marriage.... she seems to have at least one foot out the door anyway.... nothing you can do to stop her infidelity, unfortunately. Protect yourself and protect your children. You can't stop her from doing what she's doing. Not your fault at all and nothing to feel embarrassed about.

I have been talking with my therapist and my feelings on this are just really hard to get a grasp on. She finally admitted she has a drinking problem, she is finally in therapy for herself but she still defects blame on my stating things like coming home wasn’t fun for her because I was stressed with the kids and she just wasn’t happy so she would go drink. And then be mad at me for me being unhappy with her behavior. She is stating she now she wants our family and me but I don’t know what to believe. I don’t know what to trust or believe anymore.

I want to be honest with myself in this and that I know I’m not perfect but I tried to communicate the boundaries of drinking and late nights but any time I did she would say I’m just no fun and she shouldn’t be with me because of that. And because of those conversations I internalized my frustration and just wouldnt talk to her for a day or so following her work trips. She said because of that she must have just felt the need to connect with someone else.

I fear I’ve lost. I fear I know nothing. Because of all the lying my mind is absolutely all over the place. I want to ask questions and she gets mad at me now for asking questions.

I feel like a chump.

Let me ask you a question - Does this feel like a marriage to you? Is it a true partnership, with both people being loving, supportive, faithful, dedicated 100% to this union?

I didn't think so....

I wish you would stop blaming yourself. YOU did nothing wrong. She may or may not have had a drinking problem long before you met her. Completely not your fault in any way that she is choosing to cheat and that she is an abusive person.... NONE of that is YOUR fault.

I think the term is - gaslighting - where the partner does bad things and then blames you for them. If you had been more this or that, then they wouldn't be out cheating..... Which I hope you know if complete bullcrap!

It appears to me that you need to build up your self esteem more. That you might be co-dependent, too. These are just observations....

Don't worry about asking her questions (like you just said). Cheaters lie. She wouldn't tell the truth, anyway..... so don't worry about asking her any questions any longer.

No one deserves to be treated this way, and you don't have to take this kind of verbal abuse and her constant infidelities and blaming it all on you. Please talk to your therapist about how you need to get yourself stronger, you need to work on your self esteem, and possibly get into co-dependency therapy.

Or... just leave this woman and I can pretty much guarantee that your life will be a whole lot happier and better! Most people don't put up with this kind of abuse.

How much more will you put up with? You need to ask yourself this. She will end up with STDs, pregnant and leave you anyway... so what is it that you are waiting around for now? I don't say this to be mean, I say it because it is a fact. Days, weeks, month, years.... are being wasted of YOUR life and your happiness.

What is it you are afraid of? (Serious question)? It might help to let us know why is it you are afraid?

I’m afraid of losing my family, the moments of time together, birthdays, Christmas, family dinners at the table together, not being able to see my kids. I don’t want to not be able to tuck my kids in at night. Read them books, be there for them when they come home from school and need help with homework. I am a family oriented person, my job and career is a part of who I am but family is what drives me. I’m afraid to lose that all.

You wouldn't lose your family (kids) if you split up. You would most likely have half and half custody (joint custody).

How old are your kids? Do you think the kids sense something is wrong with Mommy?

I think it boils down to how much can you put up with. No one here can tell you what you should do. I am only making suggestions. I do honestly believe that you deserve a wife who is much better than she is acting. I don't know if she will ever change, because she has to want to change. None of us can change another person (which is frustrating, I know!).

How have things been going in the past couple days? Better, I hope.

You deserve to be happy!