Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I went online to pay the cell phone bill today, and was taken aback by the # of text messages on our current bill. It isn't a cost issue, because we have unlimited texting, but in the 10 days of this current billing cycle, there are over 700 text messages. That's a lot of finger typing.
So, I pull up my account, nothing unusual.
Pull up my husband's, and there are over 500. Most are easily recognizable numbers, and he does text ALOT so it's not that unusual. However, I see a number that's both frequent and unfamiliar. I look more closely, and the first message is in the last 48 hours. Since then, there have been 117 text messages.
So, I text my husband, and ask who that number belongs to. He texts back and says it's not in his contacts and he has no idea.
OK. We were planning to meet for lunch anyway, so I just chill. When I see him at lunch, I ask to see his phone, which he willingly gives me. I search the number, and it comes up "Sara". There's only one message there, from about an hour earlier, that says "Wake up! Wake up!" All other messages are deleted. According to the online phone bill, that is the only message from that number today, and he didn't reply.
I ask who Sara is. He tells me it's the person who had the item on Craigslist that he told me about the other day (this is true). I check the info he sent me on the ad, and it's indeed the number. I ask why all the other messages are deleted. He says he just automatically deletes messages at the end of the day because he gets so many. He swears to me that he's not doing anything to be concerned about.
He promises that again multiple times over lunch.
I told him when we were walking to the car that I'm not accusing him of doing anything wrong, but I am justifiably wary of this type of situation. He says he doesn't want me to worry. I tell him that I can't control my feelings, only my reaction to them.
My instinct is to tell him to not delete any more messages from / to her. I may never check his phone again, I may check it 14 times a day. I don't want to be the snoop, but I also don't want to stick my head in the sand either.
Have any of you been in this spot? How did you handle it?
So, I pull up my account, nothing unusual.
Pull up my husband's, and there are over 500. Most are easily recognizable numbers, and he does text ALOT so it's not that unusual. However, I see a number that's both frequent and unfamiliar. I look more closely, and the first message is in the last 48 hours. Since then, there have been 117 text messages.
So, I text my husband, and ask who that number belongs to. He texts back and says it's not in his contacts and he has no idea.
OK. We were planning to meet for lunch anyway, so I just chill. When I see him at lunch, I ask to see his phone, which he willingly gives me. I search the number, and it comes up "Sara". There's only one message there, from about an hour earlier, that says "Wake up! Wake up!" All other messages are deleted. According to the online phone bill, that is the only message from that number today, and he didn't reply.
I ask who Sara is. He tells me it's the person who had the item on Craigslist that he told me about the other day (this is true). I check the info he sent me on the ad, and it's indeed the number. I ask why all the other messages are deleted. He says he just automatically deletes messages at the end of the day because he gets so many. He swears to me that he's not doing anything to be concerned about.
He promises that again multiple times over lunch.
I told him when we were walking to the car that I'm not accusing him of doing anything wrong, but I am justifiably wary of this type of situation. He says he doesn't want me to worry. I tell him that I can't control my feelings, only my reaction to them.
My instinct is to tell him to not delete any more messages from / to her. I may never check his phone again, I may check it 14 times a day. I don't want to be the snoop, but I also don't want to stick my head in the sand either.
Have any of you been in this spot? How did you handle it?
In my situation, my wife too had no idea who those numbers were from until her affiars came out. Now I look at her phone, cell bill, and have her passwords to emails and she doesn't have to let me see them if she doesn't want to, but I don't have to stay married to her either. Overracting, no, proactive to keep yourself safe from ever letting this happen to you again, yes and for good reason. Stay safe and keep checking for your own health.
Speaking of health, if this is what happens after trying to save your marriage from the first time he cheated, what do you do? Realize he will never be faithful and keep lying, or start from scratch with this new indiscretion?
...fuck...
When I checked his phone at lunch, I put in a search for that number, and it came back with nothing, which is what he saw as well. Then when I checked his phone messages, it was listed as "Sara - breeder".
She had listed an animal she was looking to re-home, and he had shown me the ad before contacting her. The time that the texts started and the time he showed me the ad line up perfectly.
He said that since they both have an interest in this breed, they just started texting (chatting) back and forth. There were no calls to or from her (I checked). He didn't respond to the last text, which he'd gotten a few hours before I confronted him.
Coincidentally, he had a therapy appt. right after our lunch yesterday. He told the therapist about what had just happened, and reported back to me last night that his therapist said I was absolutely in the right for confronting him. He said he felt like it was a step backwards, that it compromised my rebuilding trust with him, and she put that right back on him. She told him that, yes, it did, and those are things he should consider before he begins lengthy communication of any sort with another woman. She suggested that he not delete any messages from his phone that might be something I deserved to see.
I was relieved that his therapist reinforced that I wasn't paranoid. He feels like shit, which, honestly, he should. I've continued to check the phone activity, which is surprisingly accurate in its "real time" updates, and nothing from/to her.
So, I'll check things out as often as I need to....and not feel bad about it. I trusted him for years, and he abused that. Not my fault.