No, you certainly are not overreacting. He is holding on for a reason. He needs to figure out what the reason is.

This is just a recipe for disaster, i would let him know it has to stop or else. PERIOD

Thank you for your input. They were young when this relationship started. It was unconventional; he shared her with his foster brother, her then husband. She claims her husband suggested it. I have my doubts. I have a feeling she lies about a lot of things. This was my husband's first experience and he feels she is the first person that loved him. Maybe that is part of the hold. Also, from what I have been told I get the feeling she is very manipulating.

This is not a normal behavior for sure !! Why does he need to be in contact with her?

He has to cut off ALL contact.

HELL NO!!!!! You're not overreacting. I'm not the britest crayon in the box, but I can tell you that have a super storm sandy stiring in you home. ALL, and I do mean ALL contact needs to stop. That means no phone calls, text messages, e-mails, FB, morris code, tella grams, carrier pigeons, smoke signals. Absolutely NO CONTACT. A question for you though, if he treated you as his wife, and best friend in front of this OW, and showed her that you are number one to him would you still feel the same. My CS pushed me away during her A because she said she couldn't handle me loving her while she was being unfaithful. It just showed her even more what she was giving up.

Hi JP85, I get really mixed signals from him. Remember that this is a strictly long distance thing so he doesn't do anything in front of her. However, he brushes me off when he's absorbed with her, then wants to be "loving" i.e. sex later. although I don't push him away during those times it really leaves my with an "icky" feeling that can't be good for our relationship.

if you want to protect your marriage i would demand that ALL contact stop, even smoke signal as jp said.
if he wants to preserve this marriage he will do this for you.
he is playing with fire right now. i would ask him to go to counseling with you,if he wont i would go on my own and make it a point to sit down and talk to eachother about where the relationship is headed and what it is he is sweeking from her.
oh,and i wouldnt trust that sorry excuse for a woman for a second.
if it were me i would say "its her or me,i will not be disrepected this way anymore". tell him if he continues you will "resent him" too much to be married to him.
sending you support

You are not overreacting. Sit down with him, and have a serious talk. Tell him, if this continues, the relationship will be in trouble. Attend couples therapist. If he doesn't want to come, then there is really a problem here.

He won't go to a therapist because of childhood experiences with them and he is unwilling to totally cut off the relationship. I, on the other hand, am trying to save a 19 year marriage that has only seen this kind of trouble in the past year; due to his reconnection with this woman.

Sorry to hear that. But shouldn't HE be the one to save the marriage? It's not okay to use the past experiences as excuses to not work for the future. Ask him to make choice its either her or you. If he doesn't choose between either one, then that is really serious. Ask him who matters to him more. You need to draw lines here. If he is not deciding, then ask him to leave, and come back to the house when he decides Tell him, that only the family who care about each other are allowed to stay under the roof. Looks like unless you pull him to the edge of the cliff, he wont make a choice.

Your H saying you're overreacting is typical of someone having an EA and not thinking it's really cheating because there is no sex.

The fact he would "resent" cutting contact with her is the tip of a very big problem for you: He won't give her up in spite of your objections as his WIFE.

This isn't ok.

My Dear,

You are not overreacting. I suggest that you focus on you, and what you need to do to endure the experience of a husband who is not truthful. Forget about what he is doing. It is obvious that he is doing damaging things to the relationship in one form or another.

You are definitely not overreacting. Does he make every interaction with her available for you to see? I doubt it. I am a CS. It started in a similar way. Texting and flirting. I did not consider what I was doing to be cheating. I did not recognize the slippery slope I was on. My H knew something of it and it made him uncomfortable but he did not take steps to stop me. I was unwilling to stop. He did not know how far it was going. At some point I went totally underground with it and it progressed from there.

He needs to read Not Just Friends immediately.

He may not be willing to change course unless you do something drastic. If he won't go to therapy with you or read the book with you or cut off contact with her and if he continues to downplay it and disrespect you in this way, you may have to leave. Not like you're "leaving him", but just that you are taking a stand. Sleep on somebody's couch for a few weeks. Anything. Just tell him that you cannot stay until he takes your concerns seriously and agrees to address the issue. You can determine what that means, i.e. agree to read the book, or go to therapy, etc... as well as agree to cut contact.

If I had been stopped, or stopped myself in those early stages, a lot wouldn't have happened. If he reads that book it may open his eyes to what is really going on and why he must cut contact.

You ate NOT overreacting. This is absurd,at best. He should not be contacting any other woman PERIOD on Facebook,texting or emails. He is playing you and then trying to make you feel guilty. This is called emotional abuse. I would probably do some more investigation because it sounds like a lot is going on between them.
Also,it would just have to be too f-----g bad if he resents it! Sorry,but don't believe him. He does sound like he is lieing to you.