Per the original post, that's just people justifying what is damaging to marriages.

As far as after the fact, a marriage can improve due to an A. Mainly if it refocuses the priorities on the marriage. Like Pink, my marriage is better in many ways than before the A. But as I said in my book, this doesn't mean I'm recommending an A as a way to revitalize your marriage. It destroys many more than it benefits overall. While I hate that my W cheated, I'm thankful we were able to bring something good out of it. I think that is necessary for a successful rebuilding.

Sure wasn't good for mine, been 10 years and I stiil beat myself up.

Of course, Dr Phill's show HAS to be provocative and controversial. That's what keeps him on the air. But I think we should distinguish between affairs where the BS finds out, and those where the BS does not.

I am happy for Pink, but that is very definitely NOT my experience. And that may be due in large part to the fundamental differences in the way betrayed husbands feel and cope, vs. betrayed wives. My marriage has been utterly destroyed. We might stay together, but I will never, EVER say "our marriage is better because of it."

it's no surprise to me that a bunch of mistresses on television would take that as a stance. they are home wreckers. they are deceitful scum in my opinion. the only way they can live with themselves is to justify that, not only did they not do wrong, they are in fact "helping." if you're gonna go on national television and tell the world you're a husband/wife stealer, you gotta own it i guess. what's the alternative, are they gonna go on TV and publicly apologize?

i confronted both of my stbxh's OW (that i know of). one, whom i've known for years said:
"for my part in what happened, i'm really sorry. but he doesnt really know what he wants in his life right now." so in other words, she knew what she was doing, and she justified it to herself, thinking she "knows" my H better than i do, and since he expressed doubts to her in a drunken stupor, it was ok for her to sleep with a married man whose unsuspecting wife and infant were at home baking cookies for him and planning his birthday party. she's garbage in my opinion, she has no real remorse for what she did, and she thinks i had no right to call her a bitch. if she ever sees me in public, she will turn around and walk away if she doesnt want me to call her a whore in public. just sayin.

the other OW never responded to me. she promptly began dating another friend of mine, but has cheated on him with my stbxh since our separation. i told the guy, but he doesnt see her for what she is. he will, sadly, but it won't be until she hurts him badly.

some APs made a one-time lapse, and that's bad enough, but the remorseful ones are a different story than the ones who flaunt it like it makes them something special.

I. Saw that show and Dr Phil believes it is bullshit too!! These women get things from these married men. Who are they helping? What happened to talking to each other, having sex with your partner?
I've heard that bull for years. People who cheat are insecure and are never satisfied with anyone.

That is crap. And I agree to HappyMama's comment regarding justifying their actions. Just like my stbx justifying his because I had a ficticious affair 15 years ago. Crap! Affairs not only destroy the marriage between husband and wife, but it destroys the whole damn family. And for Pinky - to be honest, I don't know how you can do it. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about what my stbx has done and I don't see that ever changing. It's been nearly 2 years since I found out. I tried to forgive, but It just isn't happening...

I don't agree agree that a affair is good for a marriage, but in my case it brought to the for front all the issues in our marriage. We defineitly communicate better now and our marriage is better for it. But there are other issues now like trust, and the pain and anxiety and depression I have to deal with daily from what she did. So yes our marriage is better, but now we have other issues to deal with. So its a double edged sword for me.

It's amazing how desperate people get when the one person in this world that truly loves them finds out what kind of person they really are. It is only when they are about to lose it all that they have this epiphany that they love you desperately.

"Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go... " -Passenger "Let her go"

Affairs are not good for anyone..

# 23

affairs are not good for anyone

Dr. Phil needs ratings, so of course he's going to bring on temptresses, who proudly parade their poppycock for all of America to see. Who wants to hear from devoted loving spouses anyway?

Affairs breed contempt and an atmosphere of deceit and reckless behaviour. There are other ways one can inject love and happiness back into a relationship, but having an affair, isn't one of them.

I am a CS. For me, my A DID help my marriage. Sorry folks....
I learned that I am married to the most wonderful person in the world and I was nothing but a stupid fool to stray. I feel blessed everyday that I got a second chance.
By going to counseling I have developed coping strategies not only to avoid an A, but to cope with situations that led up to it, as well as develop tools to further enhance the connection to my spouse.
And, today, my M is stronger than ever.

I am a CS. For me, my A DID help my marriage. Sorry folks....
I learned that I am married to the most wonderful person in the world and I was nothing but a stupid fool to stray. I feel blessed everyday that I got a second chance.

According to one study that I read, it is quite common (86%) for the CS to think that the marriage is better post A. The stats for the BS are not so favorable. I don't remember the exact percentage of the BS who thought that their marriage was better, but it was astonishingly small compared to the cheating partner's view. The CS gets to have a fling, gets an ego boost and keeps his/her spouse and family in the bargain, of course things are going to look good to this person. My Hs A was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I am not the same person, and our marriage is not the same. I certainly dont think that it is improved. I no longer am able to feel safe and special in my marriage, and I now know that we are not on the same page ethically. How could I ever feel that this is better than what I had when I felt genuinely loved and respected? Of course my H thinks he is the luckiest guy on earth. He is married to a wonderful person, blah blah. I am not wonderful. Im just someone who is trying to do the best thing for my family. In this case it is to work to save my marriage. I have always done what I thought was best for them. I was doing that when he decided to talk himself out of me in favor of a younger, hotter model. I am still a person he can respect and admire and my work on this marriage had only enhanced that. All in all, he is pretty pleased; I wish I could say the same.

Shoretimenow, Every time you open your mouth more crap comes out. You said so much shit about being proud of yourself for being a cheater. You think he deserved it. It was all his fault. After i call you out for talking so much shit you had me blocked from the site. Im sure you and your lying ways will try it again. Just before you do that Let me talk to your husband. I want to know how much happier he is now that his wife is a cheater

Peter,
You CLEARLY have me mistaken for someone else. The ONLY reason I responding to this is because you have mentioned my H in the post.
1) I NEVER EVER EVER said I was proud of what I did...I have spent months and months in IC and MC trying to overcome what I did and what I caused.
2) My H absolutely without a doubt did NOT deserve anything I did. I will forever be remorseful for the completely undeserved pain I caused. I will suffer every single day for what I did.
3)I have never blocked anyone from the site and frankly I wouldn't know how.
We did have conflict Peter, yes, and I called you out on how mean you were to people trying to overcome their demons.....just mean.....there is no reason for name calling and making false accusations.
I have learned so much insight from this board and the sheer pain that A's have caused, but I don't think we should bully each other.

Peter I think you might be mistaken. Clover has often been quite vocal about her complete lack of regret. I've only sen shoretime express regret.

You are the one being rude here. Shore was trying to offer insight from the other side. Let's be respectful.