Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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Affairs help marriage?

onmymind2000
onmymind2000
I caught a piece of Dr. Phil about two weeks ago. I am a little embarassed to say I tuned in and watched the whole episode as I am not a huge Dr. Phil fan. However, he had mistresses on the stage(one wrote a book and was having an affair with Gordon Ramsay for about 7 years) and the general concensus with these women was that giving other wive's husbands a place to vent emotionally and feel wanted/needed actually helps the marriage because then the husband goes home, feeling validated, and is having his needs met.

As someone who just broke up with my ex of 13 years, and she cheated 4 times (this last time resulting in meeting and getting engaged to someone while we were dating) I was appalled but intrigued by this mindset. I hadn't considered that an other woman or other man would feel like they are doing someone's marriage a favor?

What are your thoughts?
refurb
refurb
Bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
jimthzz
jimthzz
Utter nonsense.
jaymee4647
jaymee4647
They should get service awards then For helping all the men & Women in the world going home validated. So they can have happy marriages.
pinkpony66
pinkpony66
ok that mindset is absurd. However in my case, our marriage improved after dday. Confessing humbled him. Made him appreciate and show me his heart in ways he hadn't done in many years. In a way he was "reborn". Of course he's had his growing pains and set backs, just like me but overall our marriage is better today than it ever was.


I hate to say this here but the A and everything that happened to us changed him and made him worth staying with. Honestly the direction we were going before the A was not good. I know that if hasn't changed we would be divorced by now.

Every situation is different so I csn only speak for myself.
onmymind2000
onmymind2000
Pink - I like the honesty and realness in your answers.
jazmancan
jazmancan
It is nonesense, mostly.
You could also say that being held captive and beaten together relentlessly saves marriage because it somehow drew you closer through the trauma. .. dumb too.

What brings some couples closer it the brutal honesty that A's can bring with a forcing of hands.

Love and respect is just as capable of saving marriages....
jaymee4647
jaymee4647
Well I was blind sided.. We did everything together.. People wanted marriages like ours. I started Nursing School and he felt neglected (after 24years) I was focused Yes, but I put him through school and didn't have an A.
This hasn't made anything better so far... Because I didn't know anything was wrong. Attentive, affectionate H.. And I was like huh?!?
ManDown
ManDown
It's sad but I do believe there are those that think an affair is perfectly acceptable. Thinking your helping another person's marriage? Not sure I could ever understand that one. But having an affair with no guilt - - yes, there are plenty.

My thoughts are - - how about NOT having an affair? How about making your marriage/relationship better BEFORE you cheat? How about communicating FIRST your cheating thoughts to your partner? Give your partner a chance before you dealt him/her the deathblow of an affair!
gettingback2good
gettingback2good
I, too, had the same kind of marriage as jaymee and was completely and totally blindsided...and married just as long. For 23 years H did EVERYTHING in his power to show me I was adored, cherished, loved and respected, etc., etc. We rarely argued, got along, had fun, adored each other and then... BAM. obviously there was a weak link somewhere.. But no... The affair has not enhanced our marriage in any way whatsoever. Do we now both do things differently, yes.. but at what cost?
onmymind2000
onmymind2000
Mandown - I like what you're saying and I agree.
sarah2220
sarah2220
OM's and OW's who are having an affair with an attached person and know that person is attached are doing so on purpose and for a reason, and that reason is not because they have good morals and values. So it is not surprising to me that the mistresses mentioned on the TV program have come up with justification for what they do by saying that it helps marriages. That is a warped way of thinking, but then again, so is stepping willingly into the role of OW or OM. So should anyone really be surprised at their way of thinking?

To me the statement that affairs help marriages speaks volumes about intelligence level---which goes right along with the thinking that someone's husband or boyfriend should be theirs for the taking. When people have no moral compass they will say or do just about anything to their own selfish end.
refurb
refurb
If the affair is between 2 married people does it help 2 marriages ?
If the affair is a mnage a trios does it help 3 marriages?
And so on?
leavingabetterman
leavingabetterman
For purposes of disclosure I am new member of CA.

I know the hurt I have caused and read of so much grief here so, I am in the camp that nothing good at all could can come from an A

With that said.. I have noticed that my W and I are communicating as well if not better then we ever have. And yes.. I also have regret and understand that could have happened without me having the A
But I cannot change the past.

I appreciate what Pinkpony66 says about her situation, that every situation is different and as the BS she has at least considered what advantage she gained and at least has tried to look beyond all the bad that was bestowed upon her as a result of the A
gettingback2good
gettingback2good
Leaving... Thank you for your post.
And yes... As in Pinks situation.. And she is one of several to whom I look up...
To look beyond and find the good - although for many - not an easy task- definitely is a healthy and positive approach... The best way to move forward.
Although as i mentioned previously - the infidelity did not enhance my marriage, it is exactly for the reason of finding the good that has given me the will to stay and make it the best marriage possible.
pinkpony66
pinkpony66
If I could have had the marriage I have now and erase the whole A, I would do it in a heartbeat. My cs was not wanting to work on the marriage prior to the A. I was but didn't push to hard when he was resistant. I just decided to raise my kids and do my best until something gives. It never did. Slowly it deteriorated and we separared. That's when he confessed. That confession came years after his A ended. He had spent many day's weeks years thinking about what he had done. By the time he realized he was losing me he was ready to work on the marriage.

I just don't think he would have put that much effort in without having screwed up royally. I wish he could have made the changes without an A. I would love totrade in those years of lies and pain for some good heavy duty therapy.