I've had such a hard time these last 10 months or so..I got with this girl while she had a gf of 7 years..I've known her since she was 13 so i know she's a good person and never cheated on her ex. She's 14 yr younger than me and I helped her get out of her toxic relationship and off drugs! She's done well in the drugs aspect and we have such an amazing connection that I could never describe. There's something about this woman! i was single for a cpl yrs before her b/c I didnt wanna settle. I did have a moral dilemma seeing her while she was taken so i tried breaking things off with her. She she said I was worth losing her 7 yr relationship over and she split from her GF and came to my place...for the weekend.. Then went back to her ex and said it was out of comfortability. I just couldn't stop talking to her and seeing her! She promised if given more time she'd split for good. I understood her going back that time. I was more patient than i should've been. On Thanksgiving she kicked her GF out and we continued w/our thing. Within 5 days she went back again and really hurt me and caused some personal and housing issues in my life. We went 2 months not speaking at all. I cut her out. She kept at me and eventually 2 months later she left her GF again and we started back up. It was easier to suck me in at that point, her being single. welp, the night after they split, she lied to me and met up w/and spent the night with her ex. After that she stayed with me and we actually started dating. About 3 weeks later I found out from the OW and others that my girl was texting, video chatting and talking dirty w/her damn ex again! This hurt again but I knew it was so soon after the break up, I just tried to understand. For a cpl months I thought all was good and we were good and I was genuinely happy. I honestly thought it was too good to be true..and it was cuz I found out she'd done it yet again!!! I had to find out from the OW and other people every time she had anything to do with her. She didnt tell me and she even tried lying about kissing and other details, for weeks trying to deny it when the other woman told me among others. Smh.  I was devastated cuz she had me believing it was finally over and her ex was in her past for good now and she was committed to me. She said she felt different and would do ANYTHING to make it work (I moved out for a bit) so we did research and got into counseling. She did research and self help stuff for a little bit and it faded while I continued it for a while cuz I wanted the healthiest relationship possible. I started to get a tiny bit of faith and trust built yet again and while I was with my family out of town while my closest brother was dying, just 2 months ago, my girl had her ex up at OUR apartment for the whole 5 days I was gone and was sneaky and I knew as soon as I got home and pressed her on this. She denied it and denied it. Come to find out, she had her ex spending the nights there and every day I was gone while I was going through the hardest thing so far in my life!! And the thing is I was treating her even better by this time cuz I'd been doing research on communicating better and how to get through numerous infidelities and just trying to be better to her so she'd have no excuse to run to her ex again, I guess. I just wanted to treat her better anyways and have a healthy relationship. But she went from texting and video chatting and dirty talking to hanging out behind my back and kissing and then finally they had sex more than once, she says twice in a 2 day span. This last time I found out, she again didnt tell me but i didnt find out from someone else..I KNEW someone had been in our apartment and tbh I KNEW IT WAS HER EX, I'm smart and observant and the more it happens the more I notice. I just always have a gut feeling every single time she's done stuff behind my back. She told me the bare minimum by admitting that her ex was there for a day while I was at the hospital. She couldn't very well deny it cuz I knew and wasn't letting it go. She denied anything happened and said it was a day. A day or 2 later I got out of her that it was a night and a cpl days. She didnt volunteer any of this, I had to guess and press her. Finally after 2 months of her pussy footing around, I think I have most of the truth. She did in fact sleep with her and hang out with her everywhere (even friends houses) including in our apartment for a week and they did have sex twice from what she says. This is the 6th time she's betrayed me and had me believing things were completely the opposite of what they were. She knows how hurt I've been every single time ive found out but still has continued to not think about my feelings while she's with her ex. She's even told me many times after cheating that she doesn't feel like she used to w/her and that she isn't me and she feels uncomfortable and anxious being near her ex. But I cant figure out what the real reason she keeps going back to a toxic ex who is genuinely homely, young and dumb with nothing in life, encourages drug use and gets in trouble. The exact opposite of me. When my girl is actually with me, she does great and doesn't use and is a stable part of society and everyone notices the great difference in her and that she's noticeably happy with me. With her toxic ex, she's a mess who has tried to kill herself while with her ex and even been hospitalized for mental illnesses she cant control around her ex cuz from what she has told me and everyone else, her ex drives her crazy and wont get help for herself and just doesn't know how to navigate life. (Her ex is 25, young like her). I just have such a hard time believing I've been competing with this girl! I'm offended actually. I'm 38 and have traveled a lot and have a lot of life experiences and am sober and I always crave to be a better person. My girl says I make her wanna be a better person and that she feels good about herself with me. What's the freaking deal? And how do I get through this if I want to stay with her? She has been putting some work in and being consistent and transparent and in counseling. She seems serious but I've seen it before. I'm so scared and it's happened so much I feel like I'm just waiting for it to happen again. I drive myself crazy wondering what she's doing if she's not with me and always think of her and her ex having sex. I JUST found out about the last time, the full truth (I think) in the last week but it was done 2 months ago and she hasn't seen her or talked to her since. I know she's very young (24) and it was her first break up and I thought I knew what I was getting into but I truly didn't. Is this my Karma? I havent felt this shitty about myself in a very long time and my PTSD is through the roof due to the betrayals. I'm not a controlling person but want to be with her. I recently broke up w/her and moved the hell out for the last 2 months. With a good man that would give me the world if I wanted it from him. She's been jealous and hurt cuz me and him have fooled around..but I was honest about the break up and honest about being intimate with him. Not to hurt her but I'm honest to a fault some times and I'd wanna know. Now she seems to want me more. Now that someone else wants me. She knew this whole time I dont have a hard time getting people. She says now it's been made real to her and she doesn't want anyone else to have me. She cries and is very emotional some times cuz of it. I feel like she's upset b/c she's finally feeling the hurt and maybe even losing me finally. She begs me for one last chance to SHOW me I'm her only one and she wants this life with me. I'm at a crossroads. But I truly am in love with her despite everything. When her ex isn't in the picture things are very good between us. She treats me very well besides all the betrayal! But is it worth it? I know what I'd tell anyone else if I heard this: be alone and cut her out for good before you're hurt again! and then I'd ask if they like the abuse cuz it looks like it. Lol Any comments are appreciated.  If we do stay together what are some steps we would need to take to make it through this and have a stronger bond and the healthy relationship I've been craving?