Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I am a father of two beautiful kids. About a year ago, found out my wife had chemistry with another man thru her email, who is the father of my son's buddy at school. I was mad and upset (didn't throw any temper though), my wife asked and eventually we talked and she admitted they had chemistry for each other. She was remorseful about it and we were very nice to each other, we gave each other more intimacies...I bought her flowers, chocolates....I though this was over.
Then for about one month, I realised she was still secretly initating contacts with him, even she deleted her emails with him, I could still retrieved them and know that they are getting closer and closer emotionally. This lasted about two months, I always hoped, the relationship will go away but it's not. In JUly, I again was mad and this time she confronted me...saying they were just friends, and got upset at me. If it's just friend, why can't she let me read their emails, at that time, their emails alrady show "special feelings" for each other.
I tried to forgive, set aside my feekings and get by...took the family on vacations, twice, but meanwhile she changed her email password. Again, I know they must be developing something, other wise she wouldn't change her email passwords. Later on, I actually found out she is using gmail instead of her regular hotmail. I tried to tell myself to trust her...maybe she is not using these emails to communicate with that guy. During this time, I wasn't mad at all, took the family for several more outings.
Finally in october, I saw an email she forgot to delete from ther other man with explicit wordings,and she actually declared "I love you" to that guy...I was so disappointed. We talked about it again, I made it clear I cannot tolerate this any longer. She said she would try?? I bugged her phone, and heard she and the cheating guy were crying painfull assuming they know they must stop their infidelity for the sake of the kids of both families. I also heard the way my wife talked to him was just like a lover went on a first date...I was so heart-breaking, angry, looking at the picture my beautiful daughter drew of my whole family, I cried the first time since my dad passed away.
Up to this point, they are still secretly seeing each other , while each of their spouses have to work to support the families, they are still commnicate with each other on a daily basis (I don't know what's the contents unless she forgot to delete).
I feel the trust is totally broken, she makes it seems like she is doing me a flavour by trying not to see this guy!!!!! I really want a divorce, but looking in the eyes of my kids, I don;t know!!!!!!
Help please!!
Then for about one month, I realised she was still secretly initating contacts with him, even she deleted her emails with him, I could still retrieved them and know that they are getting closer and closer emotionally. This lasted about two months, I always hoped, the relationship will go away but it's not. In JUly, I again was mad and this time she confronted me...saying they were just friends, and got upset at me. If it's just friend, why can't she let me read their emails, at that time, their emails alrady show "special feelings" for each other.
I tried to forgive, set aside my feekings and get by...took the family on vacations, twice, but meanwhile she changed her email password. Again, I know they must be developing something, other wise she wouldn't change her email passwords. Later on, I actually found out she is using gmail instead of her regular hotmail. I tried to tell myself to trust her...maybe she is not using these emails to communicate with that guy. During this time, I wasn't mad at all, took the family for several more outings.
Finally in october, I saw an email she forgot to delete from ther other man with explicit wordings,and she actually declared "I love you" to that guy...I was so disappointed. We talked about it again, I made it clear I cannot tolerate this any longer. She said she would try?? I bugged her phone, and heard she and the cheating guy were crying painfull assuming they know they must stop their infidelity for the sake of the kids of both families. I also heard the way my wife talked to him was just like a lover went on a first date...I was so heart-breaking, angry, looking at the picture my beautiful daughter drew of my whole family, I cried the first time since my dad passed away.
Up to this point, they are still secretly seeing each other , while each of their spouses have to work to support the families, they are still commnicate with each other on a daily basis (I don't know what's the contents unless she forgot to delete).
I feel the trust is totally broken, she makes it seems like she is doing me a flavour by trying not to see this guy!!!!! I really want a divorce, but looking in the eyes of my kids, I don;t know!!!!!!
Help please!!
I am sorry for you situation and pain. I also understand you situation because it is similar. My wife contact this person (old friend from High school) and they later began having an affair in person. I cant speak for what is right for you and your situation -- although he is divorced (although technically not legally finalized). It depends on if you are both willing to try and move on from what happen and repair your marriage - this is not a simple question/answer. Its sad that two families are being affected by this. Here a few questions/comments to think about -- maybe someone else with be more objective than me.
Is she willing to go to MC (Marriage Counseling)?
Is she willing to break off all contact with the OM (Other man)?
(If she is not -- this is likely going to be a problem for you -- as this is the position I am currently in )
For some reason it seem that she feels that you are not meeting her needs -- this is very similar for the reasons for my wife (CS - Cheating Spouse) had an affair. Most here will tell you that you are not to blame -- but it is understandable to feel that you are at least partly to blame (this is something I am trying to work on myself)
The idea that she is doing you a favor by trying not to see the OM sounds familar also.
When kids are involved actions/in-actions are more difficult ....
I would suggest going to a therapist youself --- if you can find one that will take you are as patient and also do MC (Marriage Counseling) that would be something to consider -- many will not. I would also suggest finding someone with a PhD in the field (couples therapy/clinical psychology) if your insurance will pay for it(co-pays might be around $50-70 depending on your you ins. plan)
In my last session I talked about timeframe of when/if something doesn't change -- so at some point you may have to make a decision like that. This may prompt a reaction from her (please dont -- I want us to stay together) -- be aware that many CS may be under the have your cake and eat it too type mentality.
Sending you support --
You may need to separate from her in order to give her the message that you have had ENOUGH. You are doing too much for her and it isn't helping. In fact, it is enabling. I have seen it and it does not work. Please put your foot down. I would suggest you bring the 4 of you together and make them face it. Stop waiting for them to end it and leave them with no choice.
I hope it works out for your sake and your kids.
KevinNH: It's nice to hear from someone in a similar situation. I do realise I am not the perfect husband. My wife wants to be a stay home mom, so I am willing to work long hours to support the family. My wife sometimes find it's too stressful to take care of two kids at home, whihc I agree with her. I told her why does't she work at my retail store couple days in a week and let me be the stay home dad. She doesn't want to.
She complained when I am at work, I don't call home enough, yes, this is my fault, when I'm at work, I totally immense in it and sometimes forget things she told me to do. But I always thank her for looking after the home and the kids for me when I'm home. I always bought her flowers and gifts on special occasions (she has stopped buying me stuff long before this happened). When I'm home, I don't do my own stuff, I either spend all my time with the kids or help do housework (she does most of the housework though)
Currently, she is performing all the duties a mom should and trying to be nice to me. I know she is trying, but I can also feel her smile and hug is forced upon (after 10 years of marriage, you can tell whether the affection is genuine or not).
My question is: whenever I see my wife, I can't help recalling the romantic converstions, the emails she had with the other man... any advice how to get over these feelings?
Like you I was either at to work or kids I helped out with housework but until she worked full time she did more of it. What it seems like to me is that she is trying to NOT be mean but she is really not interest in you by the way you describe forcing smile/hug and not being genuine. I think most would agree these feelings are not going to go away overnight (thoughts of the CS with the OM(or OW for those who apply). Just because you werent perfect did not give he the right to the affair. This is how my wife clearly feels she had the right because I failed to meet her expectation as a husband. I dont go out with friends for activities, I do almost nothing for myself. Yet I am blamed. It may be nothing I would have done would have been enough. This is a difficult thing to process you need counseling to work through that. You also need to find if you wife really wants to rebuild your marriage. It almost sounds that part of your marriage died again I may not be objective because of my own stuff.
She is doing what is called cake eating. She will continue to straddle the fence and eat cake, "trying to stop" but not stopping seeing him until one of 2 things happen. Either he kicks her off the fence because his wife finds out and he throws her under the bus, your you stop letting her eat cake by drawing a line in the sand that she acts like your wife or she leaves.
Look for a post in the just found out section there called something like mistakes all betrayed spouses make.
I made them too!
No more locked phones. Cancel her phones if you don't have complete access. Why are you enabling her to have an affair.
There is an old saying said often, "you can't nice her back into your marriage" You are trying to be nice, loving, etc to get her back, but it is enabling her to eat cake!
Contact his wife ASAP. Do this not with vengeance, but because 1- she has a right to know, 2- 2 people can keep track of a secret affair way easier than one person (you), and 3- chances are he will pick his family over her and throw your wife under the bus super quick, which will help break her out of the fog of an affair, and come to reality.
Affairs bloom like fungus in the dark, but die in the light, consider bringing the affair out into the open and watch what happens.
Here is the thing, if she will not get him out of your relationship, be willing to get out of theirs.
Seriously consider packing some of her stuff when she is out and bring it to his house. Make the reality of their actions felt. The sooner you do some of this the better. The longer it goes the more closer they can get.
Google the 180 in the affair. learn it, love it, live it!
Go see and attorney tomorrow or Monday or Tuesday. Let your wife know. Make it real. Go get armed with information for plan B, divorce, even if you never want to divorce. Show her you are strong and OK, even when broken and crying on the inside.
Listen to me ..... the single reason I believe I am 2.5 years post d-day and looking like we are rebuilding is that after a year and a half of trying to lover her back, nicer her back, etc, I told her what I typed above. Since he wont get out of our relationship, I am getting out of yours, and went and paid an attorney a consult the next week.
The ball then got rolling.
Remember, its not over till its over, and even then it is not over! You can file for divorce and still cancel the divorce. Hell, you can divorce and still get back together.
You love her so your have protected her from her actions. Thus, she gets to live in I love you OM, what are we going to do fantasy land.
It stops when you say it stops, because you have the power of the choice to leave!
Eat healthy, drink plenty of water, exercise, and find peace. You are going to be OK!
As I just said in another thread, I'm not going to compete. I'm not going to play that game. It's either me or him, make your choice. And any action that shows he is still in the picture is a choice for him, not me, and I'm done (with some reasonable time frame to confirm).
You can also find a series of articles that you may find useful here:
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news
There's one on the 180 in there as well. Look in the Table of Contents.
If you are going to leave her, get your affairs in order. Collect and get copies of any infidelity that you can. Get an attorney and seek advice. Think about bank accounts,property owned, important paper work. I know it's difficult to think of these things but believe it or not,you can plan a divorce. Your wife doesn't seem to care about anyone right now,not even the children. Oh by the way, all cheaters have excuses for their behavior.
The fact is, if she is not willing to go for counseling, stop all contact with these men via emails,texts or phone then the next move is on you. Sorry for the heartache.
If you have smart phones use an app to keep copies of message eiter between the two CS's or anything she admits to you in message from her. Copies of email. Keep copies of these with a friend/relative and/or an online backup (even google drive) but make sure its something that she does not have access to (or guess you PW)
My Wife sabotaged my last top probably because she thought I had evidence there (then blamed my oldest daughter)
From that point on, actions mattered.
Again, another reason to consult an attorney.
It is not punitive to empower yourself with information, if you are scared to piss her off.
Believe me, you can reach a point over time where you don't even look at the phone records. You will know when she had remorse and her actions tell you she is committed to the marriage.
I am at work. My wife could be secretly communicating right now. But if she was, the old feelings would return, the blaming would return, and my gut would know. And then I have choices and power.
It eventually comes down to this question:
Would you rather lose your wife or share your wife?
You are sharing your wife.
Peace.
yesterday, I again saw a string of undeleted email on her phone, the message was the cheating guy bought a diamond ring for her and apologize for the diamond not being top grade..my wife responded she does not mind, she loves him, and even if he got her a plain wedding band , she'll gladly out it on!!!!! To me, this is pretty obvious the end of our marriage.
However, she was acting like nothing, chit chatting with me as usual, even offer to have sex with me tonight?? I'd learned not to show any emotion after one year of this experience, so I play along. The thing is I don't even trust her anymore, let alone to have sex with her?
Cam anybody shed some light for me what is going on? (I have m y own small retail store, I need to be able to hire someone to work for me before I can free my self up to see an attorney, which I'm doing right now,......pathetic!!!)
Cake eating -- she is still stuck between him and you, and is genuinely going back and forth between options, thinking he might be her soul mate, live happily ever after, BS.
Strategic -- she has planned to leave and is executing a plan. For example, could she be stringing you along until some point where they make a move. She could be setting something up to make you look bad to give her and this POS the advantage in court, with the divorce. She could have talked with an attorney and knows that if you have sex with her after finding out about the affair, you cannot use infidelity in the court room for divorce and alimony. She is trying to keep you calm while draining the bank accounts, or extorting money from the business.
or, the affair has simply made her lose all her marbles.
No matter which, here is the thing. This is not the woman you married right now. She is someone else entirely. She is lying through her teeth, and her and the POS OM cannot be trusted. She can be that person again, but it will not come from you sitting and waiting for your wife to wake up and return. Actions will have to be taken to snap her out of it to where she wants to work her way back.
If they are talking marriage, then this is a full on physical and emotional affair. Your best option is to push her to him so their little BS fantasy can come down to reality, where she begs and pleads for you to take her back. Pack her bags and send her to him. You don't have to reveal your sources. Just say you know what is going on and that you are willing and able to help her move in with him.
You continue to shelter her from her actions by playing along ... and they continue to get deeper.
Call 5 attorneys right now and find one willing to meet you after you close your store. Get some info and change your game plan for the sake of what is left of your marriage!
Look, I get it. You love her with all your heart and want nothing more than for you old life with her to return. Your old life with her will never be the same. Your new life, after a lot of pain and work, can be even better, though!