Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
2 days after this Valentine's day will be the 2 year anniversary of my DDay.
So many men ask the question, "when will the pain of her affair go away?" For me it never did. Sure it got less painful as time went on but I still hurt every day and the triggers never went away for me.
I was never allowed to heal properly for several reasons.
1. She denied everything right of the bat. Which is understandable, she was in shock of being caught and didn't know what to do or say.
2. She minimalized her choices and actions, it wasn't real...it didn't mean anything....I only love you..... Well it destroyed me, our family and our marriage. I think it was pretty real.
3. The blame was put squarely on my shoulders. I didn't show enough affection, didn't have sex enough, didn't tell her I loved her enough, didn't take her out enough. I am by no means a perfect husband but never have I done something so bad that I ever deserved this.
4. She never came clean about what happened. She would only verify the things that I already knew. She would always say that she "doesn't remember". This from a woman that remembers every bad thing that I have said or some over the last 24 years.
5. She denied me free access to her phone and computer and to this day will not use them where I can see passwords or what she is doing. I do not think she is in a current affair and she says she has a right to her privacy.
6. She has never once asked me "how are you feeling? And is there something I can do to help you?" She feels it will bring up bad things again and she has wanted to forget since day one. She tells me she loves me all the time and thinks that is sufficient, what she doesn't understand is that her words no longer mean anything they are just more lies so I won't leave.
7. She still is close with her bff that not only helped her with the affair but also encouraged it saying she deserved better. She is even planning an extended weekend with her out of state to go to a spa. I told her she can go (because there is no point in stopping her now that I am done).
8. Since I still have questions that were never answered I could never move forward. But when I do ask something she gets upset and said it was years ago. It was 2 and it still feels like it was yesterday.
For some men they can move forward but they always remember and can live with it. I have figured out that I cannot.
Married 17 at DDay together 24 3 sons 1 with special needs.
So many men ask the question, "when will the pain of her affair go away?" For me it never did. Sure it got less painful as time went on but I still hurt every day and the triggers never went away for me.
I was never allowed to heal properly for several reasons.
1. She denied everything right of the bat. Which is understandable, she was in shock of being caught and didn't know what to do or say.
2. She minimalized her choices and actions, it wasn't real...it didn't mean anything....I only love you..... Well it destroyed me, our family and our marriage. I think it was pretty real.
3. The blame was put squarely on my shoulders. I didn't show enough affection, didn't have sex enough, didn't tell her I loved her enough, didn't take her out enough. I am by no means a perfect husband but never have I done something so bad that I ever deserved this.
4. She never came clean about what happened. She would only verify the things that I already knew. She would always say that she "doesn't remember". This from a woman that remembers every bad thing that I have said or some over the last 24 years.
5. She denied me free access to her phone and computer and to this day will not use them where I can see passwords or what she is doing. I do not think she is in a current affair and she says she has a right to her privacy.
6. She has never once asked me "how are you feeling? And is there something I can do to help you?" She feels it will bring up bad things again and she has wanted to forget since day one. She tells me she loves me all the time and thinks that is sufficient, what she doesn't understand is that her words no longer mean anything they are just more lies so I won't leave.
7. She still is close with her bff that not only helped her with the affair but also encouraged it saying she deserved better. She is even planning an extended weekend with her out of state to go to a spa. I told her she can go (because there is no point in stopping her now that I am done).
8. Since I still have questions that were never answered I could never move forward. But when I do ask something she gets upset and said it was years ago. It was 2 and it still feels like it was yesterday.
For some men they can move forward but they always remember and can live with it. I have figured out that I cannot.
Married 17 at DDay together 24 3 sons 1 with special needs.
KRM1985
My story is the exact same after discovery. My husband minimized everything, claimed not to remember, and refused to resolve the past in the way that I needed to move forward. He lied straight to my face about things that I had concrete answers for (multiple women, a possible child, losing his job due to an affair). Over the course of one year I realized certain things would never change. He was a good liar and a good manipulator. I realized I always had to be smarter than my husband and one step ahead at all times so he couldn't con me. I'm filing for divorce on Thursday. Of course he blames me for it not working. It always comes down to "it could work if you would just let it." Well, like you, I can't let it just work when I know he is still lying and being manipulative about his affair. I lived a nightmare but I am still standing. You will live through this too. Grieve your losses but know that peace of mind is priceless. I know I cannot trust my husband at work, on work trips, or even at friends' houses. Our mutual friends knew of everything that went on over the course of 3 years. I decided to close the door on that chapter of my life and move on without my home, my dog, my husband and people I considered my friends. It's difficult and it's painful but it won't hurt nearly as bad as discovery day and every day after that. The pain will lessen with time just like a scar fades. Look forward to a time when you're not consumed with anger, hurt and anxiety. I know for me, I dread Thursday and filing for divorce, however it's my only way to clarity and a new beginning. I hope you find the peace of mind you are looking for and I pray you have the strength to continue to move forward and find the happiness you want once the waters settle.
keepkeepingon
That's a horrible situation. I am sorry you had to go through that. Sadly, that has been my experience as well. My wife completely shattered any trust I had in her by a continuous cycle of betrayal and lies and her behavior is virtually identical to what you describe - almost to a T. Instead taking any steps to rebuild trust, she continues to lie about everything and be even more secretive. I have no doubt that she is still sleeping with her boss. I still haven't given up on her, but it is not because she is showing any signs of genuine repentance or change. It has to do with me hoping I can get her off this self-destructive path she is so firmly on for her own sake, not for mine. Though I completely understand why you finally gave up on your wife. It is really tough to love and forgive someone who is not only not repentant, but continues to actively betray your trust and undermine any hope of restoration.
keepkeepingon
Minicooper, good for you for trying to repair things. I hope you two can work it out. I wish my wife would respond like you did, but alas she hasn't so far. It's been over a year since her betrayals began and have continued up until the present. She never tells the truth and makes up lies that are insulting that she thinks anyone would believe, especially given all the overwhelming air tight tangible evidence. I'm a Christian and I take it seriously when the Bible says that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her. It has been the struggle of my life to continue showing sacrificial love when she makes herself so unlovable by the callous betrayals, lies and utter lack of repentance. But I have learned a lot about what it means to love unconditionally. My love for her does not depend on what type of woman she is; it is completely dependent on what type of man I am and the God that I serve. I hope and pray that she will have a true change of heart, but until then my focus will be on trying to be as obedient to God as I can. Hang in there, Minicooper, hopefully your husband will find a way to forgive you and you two can rebuild the marriage. Obviously there are no guarantees of anything, but check out a book called The Love Dare by Alex Kendrick. It has 40 short chapter exploring different aspects of love with a daily challenge of trying to act out that particular aspect of love with your spouse. I found it to be very helpful to practically demonstrate love when my heart was completely crushed and it didn't come naturally in the midst of all the hurt. I can't promise it will save your marriage, but it certainly can't hurt to demonstrate and deepen your love for your husband, even if is isn't currently responding as you would like. Just hang in there and try to persevere. You will be in my prayers.
normalguywithkids
daddyrocs, I need to give you kudos for walking away from this marriage. I am in a very similar situation to you. My wife of 14 years, a stay at home mom, (together we have a beautiful 10yr and 7yr old) has been cheating on me since 2012. She got busted twice, I tried to reconcile by taking the family on vacation, but she is still hiding all the stuff from me, trying to avoid being tracked by me. I, too, so want to walk away ....except I don't know how to deal with the kids feelings and the custody. I want to see my kids everyday, spending time with my kids after work is the highlight of my day. Daddyrocs...how did you deal with the custody of the kids? can you offer some suggestion?
bobbyjane
Gosh its like reading my story from 6 years ago. I divorced my H as he couldnt be trusted after a long term affair, it was devastating at the time with 3 children to consider, sold the marital home and moved away as he made it pretty clear that our friends were his friends, not mine. He then re wrote history and told everyone it was me that broke up the marriage/family etc. We did to MC iniatially but something in my gut told me he was still seeing her, 6 months later I discovered he was, I was done then, couldn't forgive or forget so divorced, he went crazy when I filed. Total narcissist. I will tell you this: you will be happier, you can have peace of mind, you will be able to shut your door of a night and be able to breath, you will be happy, your children will be just fine as you are obviously a great Dad, all the worries you have about leaving a spouse are nothing compared to what they have put you through. My doctor said I would never heal until I got rid of my source of pain (my H) and he was so right. I wish you all the luck in the world.
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