Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
2 days after this Valentine's day will be the 2 year anniversary of my DDay.
So many men ask the question, "when will the pain of her affair go away?" For me it never did. Sure it got less painful as time went on but I still hurt every day and the triggers never went away for me.
I was never allowed to heal properly for several reasons.
1. She denied everything right of the bat. Which is understandable, she was in shock of being caught and didn't know what to do or say.
2. She minimalized her choices and actions, it wasn't real...it didn't mean anything....I only love you..... Well it destroyed me, our family and our marriage. I think it was pretty real.
3. The blame was put squarely on my shoulders. I didn't show enough affection, didn't have sex enough, didn't tell her I loved her enough, didn't take her out enough. I am by no means a perfect husband but never have I done something so bad that I ever deserved this.
4. She never came clean about what happened. She would only verify the things that I already knew. She would always say that she "doesn't remember". This from a woman that remembers every bad thing that I have said or some over the last 24 years.
5. She denied me free access to her phone and computer and to this day will not use them where I can see passwords or what she is doing. I do not think she is in a current affair and she says she has a right to her privacy.
6. She has never once asked me "how are you feeling? And is there something I can do to help you?" She feels it will bring up bad things again and she has wanted to forget since day one. She tells me she loves me all the time and thinks that is sufficient, what she doesn't understand is that her words no longer mean anything they are just more lies so I won't leave.
7. She still is close with her bff that not only helped her with the affair but also encouraged it saying she deserved better. She is even planning an extended weekend with her out of state to go to a spa. I told her she can go (because there is no point in stopping her now that I am done).
8. Since I still have questions that were never answered I could never move forward. But when I do ask something she gets upset and said it was years ago. It was 2 and it still feels like it was yesterday.
For some men they can move forward but they always remember and can live with it. I have figured out that I cannot.
Married 17 at DDay together 24 3 sons 1 with special needs.
So many men ask the question, "when will the pain of her affair go away?" For me it never did. Sure it got less painful as time went on but I still hurt every day and the triggers never went away for me.
I was never allowed to heal properly for several reasons.
1. She denied everything right of the bat. Which is understandable, she was in shock of being caught and didn't know what to do or say.
2. She minimalized her choices and actions, it wasn't real...it didn't mean anything....I only love you..... Well it destroyed me, our family and our marriage. I think it was pretty real.
3. The blame was put squarely on my shoulders. I didn't show enough affection, didn't have sex enough, didn't tell her I loved her enough, didn't take her out enough. I am by no means a perfect husband but never have I done something so bad that I ever deserved this.
4. She never came clean about what happened. She would only verify the things that I already knew. She would always say that she "doesn't remember". This from a woman that remembers every bad thing that I have said or some over the last 24 years.
5. She denied me free access to her phone and computer and to this day will not use them where I can see passwords or what she is doing. I do not think she is in a current affair and she says she has a right to her privacy.
6. She has never once asked me "how are you feeling? And is there something I can do to help you?" She feels it will bring up bad things again and she has wanted to forget since day one. She tells me she loves me all the time and thinks that is sufficient, what she doesn't understand is that her words no longer mean anything they are just more lies so I won't leave.
7. She still is close with her bff that not only helped her with the affair but also encouraged it saying she deserved better. She is even planning an extended weekend with her out of state to go to a spa. I told her she can go (because there is no point in stopping her now that I am done).
8. Since I still have questions that were never answered I could never move forward. But when I do ask something she gets upset and said it was years ago. It was 2 and it still feels like it was yesterday.
For some men they can move forward but they always remember and can live with it. I have figured out that I cannot.
Married 17 at DDay together 24 3 sons 1 with special needs.
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/spousesandillegitimatechildren
She wanted me AND her AP, now she has neither(he went back to his wife as fast as he could). She now plays the victim and says I m the one breaking up the family.
She owes you much more than that if you are to reconcile. i recommend not wasting any more time with her.
I'll be going on 3 years this May since my "DDay" (as it seems to be called around here) and I'm having all of the same emotions you are. I can't seem to forgive, forget or move on. Especially more so because she lives with her shame and guilt and self-loathing everyday and it spills over into all of her relationships.
So did you end up divorcing? If we didn't have a child I would have totally left when I found out. But it just feels so much more complicated with a child involved. Then it's not like that person is ever gone from your life. They're still there as the parent of your child. And you then have to deal with co-parenting and interacting with them.
All of the trust issues you mentioned I also experience. It's hard to not think she's doing something shady when she's texting away...and then you check her phone and the text has been deleted. To make matters worse she still works with the guy that she had the affair with.
So how are things now if you did get a divorce?
I haven't posted on here for a while, so few would remember me. Daddyrocs: Kudos to you for being true to your feelings. I always say that marriage shouldn't have to be such hard work. Yes I know people have differences, but if you're wotking at being in love more than you are actually in love...it ain't worth it. Your wife messed up. If she really wanted it to work she would have helped you, and with time you would have healed. But you owe it to yourself to heal anyway. She will be in your life for a long time as mother of your kids, and that's the hard part. But eventually you will get past the pain when you have processed it enough to realise and accept that she really didn't care. It will take time but you'll get there. I've had to deal with 2 affairs. One in 2005 and one in 2010. By 2010 I had nearly healed from the 2005 affair when this new one came up. It was worse than the first and the pain was double in same ways. But I got over it......completely, but after severe emotional trauma. It happened suddenly on the day that I finally realised what/who I was dealing with. All the best to you.
you are solid, you did not waste two years, your put the family above yourself,
she continued to piss in the well
I can understand your feeling lie you wasted 2 years.
you didn't
you gave to your kids
that rocks and gives substance to your kids
in the shitstorm your kids have a real father
you ending it now is the right thing to do, you've been all in, all along,
she's used up a lot of you
you owe it to your kids to not let her use it all up
Lovinsimple. I am in the process of D. It takes a long time in my state and I am worried about how vindictive she will be. How dare I leave her huh??? It really is her mindset.
And yes I did get an extra 2 years with my sons so I don't feel I wasted my time.
Now on a positive note I am doing better, and I am progressing in healing myself by myself. She takes up less of my thoughts each day and overall I am in a much better place. Huge vacation planned with my sons in the future as well.
I think healing really starts when you have stopped loving the CS. People will attack your self esteem for still loving someone who has hurt you but they don't understand that it's not an automatic thing. It actually takes time to really believe and accept that someone who you have built a life with could do something like this. That was my problem. But human nature is more viscious than we think.
Once we have truly processed, believed and accept what our CS's did and who they are, we start to learn not to love them anymore, and then the healing accelerates. But it will come.
Kudos to you for planning that trip. Vacations can be great to help the healing but just be mindful that it may remind you of past family times with her. Have a great time anyway. You will be free of all this muck some day. Cheers.
You have value!
I send everyone my best wishes and lots of luck.