Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
2 days after this Valentine's day will be the 2 year anniversary of my DDay.
So many men ask the question, "when will the pain of her affair go away?" For me it never did. Sure it got less painful as time went on but I still hurt every day and the triggers never went away for me.
I was never allowed to heal properly for several reasons.
1. She denied everything right of the bat. Which is understandable, she was in shock of being caught and didn't know what to do or say.
2. She minimalized her choices and actions, it wasn't real...it didn't mean anything....I only love you..... Well it destroyed me, our family and our marriage. I think it was pretty real.
3. The blame was put squarely on my shoulders. I didn't show enough affection, didn't have sex enough, didn't tell her I loved her enough, didn't take her out enough. I am by no means a perfect husband but never have I done something so bad that I ever deserved this.
4. She never came clean about what happened. She would only verify the things that I already knew. She would always say that she "doesn't remember". This from a woman that remembers every bad thing that I have said or some over the last 24 years.
5. She denied me free access to her phone and computer and to this day will not use them where I can see passwords or what she is doing. I do not think she is in a current affair and she says she has a right to her privacy.
6. She has never once asked me "how are you feeling? And is there something I can do to help you?" She feels it will bring up bad things again and she has wanted to forget since day one. She tells me she loves me all the time and thinks that is sufficient, what she doesn't understand is that her words no longer mean anything they are just more lies so I won't leave.
7. She still is close with her bff that not only helped her with the affair but also encouraged it saying she deserved better. She is even planning an extended weekend with her out of state to go to a spa. I told her she can go (because there is no point in stopping her now that I am done).
8. Since I still have questions that were never answered I could never move forward. But when I do ask something she gets upset and said it was years ago. It was 2 and it still feels like it was yesterday.
For some men they can move forward but they always remember and can live with it. I have figured out that I cannot.
Married 17 at DDay together 24 3 sons 1 with special needs.
So many men ask the question, "when will the pain of her affair go away?" For me it never did. Sure it got less painful as time went on but I still hurt every day and the triggers never went away for me.
I was never allowed to heal properly for several reasons.
1. She denied everything right of the bat. Which is understandable, she was in shock of being caught and didn't know what to do or say.
2. She minimalized her choices and actions, it wasn't real...it didn't mean anything....I only love you..... Well it destroyed me, our family and our marriage. I think it was pretty real.
3. The blame was put squarely on my shoulders. I didn't show enough affection, didn't have sex enough, didn't tell her I loved her enough, didn't take her out enough. I am by no means a perfect husband but never have I done something so bad that I ever deserved this.
4. She never came clean about what happened. She would only verify the things that I already knew. She would always say that she "doesn't remember". This from a woman that remembers every bad thing that I have said or some over the last 24 years.
5. She denied me free access to her phone and computer and to this day will not use them where I can see passwords or what she is doing. I do not think she is in a current affair and she says she has a right to her privacy.
6. She has never once asked me "how are you feeling? And is there something I can do to help you?" She feels it will bring up bad things again and she has wanted to forget since day one. She tells me she loves me all the time and thinks that is sufficient, what she doesn't understand is that her words no longer mean anything they are just more lies so I won't leave.
7. She still is close with her bff that not only helped her with the affair but also encouraged it saying she deserved better. She is even planning an extended weekend with her out of state to go to a spa. I told her she can go (because there is no point in stopping her now that I am done).
8. Since I still have questions that were never answered I could never move forward. But when I do ask something she gets upset and said it was years ago. It was 2 and it still feels like it was yesterday.
For some men they can move forward but they always remember and can live with it. I have figured out that I cannot.
Married 17 at DDay together 24 3 sons 1 with special needs.
betrayal is the choice of the betrayer, your wife sounds like a control freak as well as a remorseless person
i respect your attempt at reconciliation,
i respect your choice to end it, takes 2 to reconcile and she sadly opted not be 1 of them
Good Luck
You've got a whole life ahead of you. This is a great time to think of your wish list. The one we have that gets put aside because it didn't mesh with our spouse.
I bet there are things you've thought of doing places to go people to see that she didn't like or agree with. Go and enjoy those people places and things.
May you find wonderful things in your life
What do you mean exactly when you say that you "can't trust her"? Is the whole concept of "rebuilding trust" just formulaic bumper-sticker advice? Why do YOU feel the NEED to reestablish trust in YOUR relationship?
The trust is gone, and it doesn't seem like it's coming back. Okay. But how will you feel if you simply let go of that need to trust her?Maybe instead of trying to force your wife to come to you, you can meet her where she is? If you were to close off the part of you that really needs to trust her, perhaps that will clear your head enough to let you focus on the other parts of your relationship that ARE coming back together.
Mrcellophane; to understand about trust being a must you will need information.
Our whole time together, even though she was working, I paid all of the household bills. She was going to school that I was paying for so our family could have a better life. All the while she was planning a new life with him.
So we could just live together and raise the children, but we could not have sex for I don't "trust" that she does not have an std. If she travels I cannot "trust" that she will always come back. I cannot build new assets or debt with her because I cannot "trust" that they will be treated equally. I cannot "trust' her future actions will not damage our children more. I cannot count on her for anything anymore especially being there for me or our sons. Really its no way to live.
Inside the marriage, it's like I was suffocating and being turned into someone I am not (paranoid, at times insecure, etc.) and then all of a sudden -when I am on my own- I can breathe again. Sad as it is, after we split, there was so much more good than bad.
I will never be in a position where that kind of stuff is ok again. I am NOT a doormat and that kind of behavior does not deserve someone as honest, loyal, hardworking, and devoted as me.
So the bottom line is that you tried. It's time to look at the marriage - see where you should have made better choices in picking someone for a life partner - and cut that cord so that you can heal and start again.
Sorry she failed to step up to the plate. She's the only one who can heal it, so you're only option is to cut it off before it overtakes the rest of your life too. That is you're only route to healing at this point.
Reconciliation after an affair does not have great odds even if the cheater does everything he/she is supposed to but if you're with someone that shows no effort better to just cut your losses and get out.
Like fuzzybunny there were way more gains than losses for me. The best thing? All those triggers you were experiencing instantly go away. I use to get all weird around the dates of when I discovered his affair and when the affair started and this year those dates passed me right by without any fanfare.
Living with the cheater is the biggest trigger on this planet! What a relief it was not to live with triggers and mind movies. Absolute heaven I tell you!
Here's another cool thing. You will trust again. I dated someone for a while and ultimately broke it off because it was too soon for a serious relationship after my divorce but the cool thing was that trust was never an issue while we were together.
It will be hard but in the end you'll be better off without someone that feels entitled to your forgiveness and does nothing to earn it.
Good luck!
Maybe it's my own biased experience, but if she's blocked your ability to access email/phone, etc., she's still up to no good. I learned that the hard way. True remorse and repentance lays things bare; they don't scramble to conceal more. This makes me wonder if she is really going with her bff out of state...or if others will be there, too. I'm so sorry. Please take care of yourself. She is not worthy of you.