Hey, mine is the same way. He is WONDERFUL and supportive. I know it hurts him when things don't work just like me but I guess he feels he needs to be strong. When our first IVF didn't work I just burst into tears, but he didn't. He held me and I could tell he was sad. I do notice his mood can be a little different, a little down and sad, but he never shares. It worries me sometimes that he is bottling it up, but he said he just handles being sad different than me, he likes to be alone and I want a shoulder to cry on. I figure as long as he doesn't stay sad and it works for him, and it's ok on our marriage, then to each his own.

I get what you are saying. My husband is loving and supportive and very much a part of our IVF, but I think he just handles things differently...plus he doesn't have hormones to contend with. After our first IVF failed, he let me cry and then said ok gave you one day to be sad now we try again. I needed that from him, he was saying we aren't going to let this stop us and we will just keep going until successful. We know its trial and error and it will happen. I think overall men just react differently, but they are just as in this process as we are. I feel blessed that my husband is right there with me, he goes to appts with me when he can, he helps give me the shots and is involved as much as possible.

My husband doesn't talk much about his feelings in general. He's introverted and only talks about his feelings when it's something built up over time.

For the first year of trying, my husband admitted only that he was sad I was so disappointed every month. Now that we are closer to two years of trying and failing, he's begun to open up more.

Our friends have all had babies recently, or are having kids this summer/fall. About 2 months ago, he commented on how he doesn't offer much to the conversation of his close friends anymore. They always seem to be sharing hilarious toddler/infant stories. It has distanced him from his male support system, so I guess he's started turning to me now.

I read a suggestion in a book recently....take 10 min and 10 min only to talk openly about your infertility. Your partner cannot interrupt, comment, or respond in any way except to listen during his/her 5 min. After the 5 min, it's the other partner's turn. We tried it out a few weeks ago for the first time. At first, my husband kept commenting on how he couldn't possibly talk about infertility for 5 min...all he had to say was "it sucks." However, I set the timer, and he started. I cannot believe how much infertility hurts my husband. We were both weeping after the first 2 min. It has caused us to become closer through the heartbreak. It has helped us move on with our day. It has helped us be vulnerable with each other and relate in a way that none of our friends will ever be able to do. I didn't believe the stories about it being such a positive thing, but it is.

Lellyrae, that is so beautiful. I have to admit that I teared up a little bit when I read about your 10 minute exercise. It's strange how going through such an awful thing can actually bring a married couple to a closer and more intimate place than they likely would have ever gotten to. What a strange, and wonderful, blessing in disguise!

P.S. Would you be ok with me sharing your story on my blog www.healinginfertility.blogspot.com? It's so moving to me how you can capture the positive side of such a potentially devastating thing. Very inspirational.

Mine, like yours, said very little he just supported me through the testing, the crying, and every thing else every month. As time went on I started to see it in his face and eyes when he saw a new baby or would hold someone elses kids. It broke my heart. My mom once said to him (as he held our nephew) " that he could be yours as much as he looks like you". It made me cry for days. He never complained or said it was my fault, he didn't have to I felt bad enough for both of us. Men do not deal with things like we do, and it does not mean he doesn't care, I would bet her cares ALOT, but he needs to be there for you. He sounds like a great guy and you are lucky to have him.

i think its great you have a loving and supportive husband! i think men think they have to be strong and showing emotions make them less of a man. in my relationship im the one who never shows emotion and i keep everything in.. i just hate crying in front of people or even talking about my emotions and my BF wears his emotions on his sleeves lol. i have yet to let him know about whats causing my IF or even discussed this with him. for me IF is such a senstive topic and i really dont know how to let him know about it.. im pretty sure i will find this article useful

thanks for posting

Hi Shannon123,

In Response to your question above, my DH doesent say much, I think its because he feels one of us has to be strong. however my lst expierence with IVF failure, He called and I let him know the bad news in tears he rushes home, and said the most beautiful thing to me " dont be sad babe" I said to him I cant give you kids" His direct response was, were not giving up, even if it dosent happen, I still have you." wow I was crying Bitter sweetness! :) however, he is the strong one when i am not, he says well take this one step at a time. and just keep trying and will never give up.

WE are so lucky to have such loving devoted husbands. Every time we inseminate he is so positive saying "This is our month baby". When I get bfn I am more worried about hurting him then my feelings. he has said many of times he wants me more than children. That makes me feel so loved and cherished.

My husband doesn't say much either, but he usually internalizes a lot. He has been working out of state since August, flying home during my fertile time each cycle, then heading back. He has told me that it kills him that I have to go through this alone and he wishes he could be here for me. He is supportive when AF comes and hopeful during the 2ww and he is definitely more optimistic than me at this point.

Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences with your husbands, it really is helpful to me. It's hard when men say so little, they are such a different species! :-) We definitely are lucky to have men who love and support us through this, however that may look.

You are welcome to share. FYI: the book with the idea of the 10 min share is called "Conquering Infertility" by Alice Domar.

When I first suspected their was a "problem" he pretty much thought I was crazy, over reacting, whatever. When our doctor first confirmed that we need to start figuring out what was going on he was...confident. but very quite, he didn't talk much. I think he was trying to not upset me. Then we found out that the "problem" was male related and he had a little "break down" I think I would call it a mid-mid-life crisis. He decided that being a vegetarian was going to solve it, and completely changed his outlook. He even opted for a surgery as opposed to jumping straight to IVF. A big step for the guy who I had to twist his arm to get the first SA done. He doesn't want to sit down a "chat" about his feelings but he will joke about it. And he talks about it to the guys he works with. So I feel like he is getting an outlet in his own way. The flip side is now that it's a male only problem I feel like I have to stop talking about, or he will take is personally. As if I am blaming him.