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I posted this as a journal entry, but I wanted to post here as well to make sure it reached as many as possible.
As I have shared with a couple of you privately...I wanted to share this publicly as well.
I thought it might be an inspiration to some to hear that sometimes humanity will surprise us :) even in dark times when so many have let us down.
We have had 2 pregnancy losses within the last 6 months.
We recently returned from vacation...a vacation that was so healing for me...at least for the time being. Not healED for sure...but vacation gave me space and relaxation and enjoyment and there were no frantic Internet searches for my latest TTC concern.....there were no difficult interpersonal situations to deal with.
I was nervous about how I would fare on vacation. Without DS. Without the Internet and all the things I like to research. Without time to myself to grieve.
I surprised myself and ended up being just fine...in fact more than fine. I felt good for the first time in a long time.
I just lived. And I had some wine. And I had some unpasteurized cheese and I went on the Scrambler at the amusement park. All during my 2WW.
Unfortunately I did not come home to a BFP as I had hoped...but I feel like during that vacation I was living for the first time in a long time.
But that is not the focus of what I wanted to say here. Part of what I want to say is that I turned 40 while on vacation. And this has been a sore point for me emotionally for a while, especially since the miscarriages.
Especially because had the October pregnancy gone well, I would be 8 months pregnant. Especially because had the April pregnancy gone well, I would be nearing the end of my first trimester and we would be announcing to family at my birthday party this weekend that I am pregnant.
So I have dreaded 40 all the more because of the TTC journey and losses.
Being on vacation while turning 40 ended up being a good thing :) On my actual birthday, I swam, I canoed, I went to dinner with a glass of wine. I ate two pieces of cheesecake from the buffet :)
The waitress said is it your birthday? You have this birthday glow about you :) And she brought me out a fancy dessert with the words Happy Birthday spelled out onto the plate with some yummy glaze.
On our drive home from vacation, I realized I would be coming home to Facebook birthday wishes and so I rehearsed in my mind what I would type when I was reunited with the Internet again. Something along the lines of Thank you for the birthday wishes. We had a wonderful vacation.
But I decided to say more. I decided I would call it Gratitude--thank them for the birthday wishes and I would announce on Facebook that as some of you know I have had two pregnancy losses and how difficult it has been. And that I say this out loud on Facebook with the hope that some day miscarriage won't be such a taboo and misunderstood suffering for women. And that I also wanted to share how wonderful our vacation was. And how thankful I am for that.
We came home and I thought about it for another day. The next morning I woke up and felt this was a really bad idea. Risky. What if no one responds? What if someone says something insensitive? Is that really something I want to bring on myself?
But I decided to do it anyway. I felt nervous before I clicked "post" but I did it.
What came about was an outpouring that I never would have imagined of "likes" and posts offering support and words of encouragement. And even one person saying I wish you had told us sooner, we could have prayed for you and supported you.
I also received private messages from others. Sharing their stories of loss. One person offering to get together with me to share with me about her miscarriage and the loss of her son and what has gotten her through difficult times. Another women messaging me that she and her husband had a baby that only lived 4 hours and the book that got her through it. And that she has ordered the book for me and it is on its way.
I was touched. And floored. That people cared. And were not alienated by my sharing.
Even a few males responded. Including one who said that I am a stronger person (sharing what I shared) than he is and that he's sorry to hear of our losses.
I just wanted to share this to show that sometimes good exists when we least expect it. And for every 5 or 10 people who don't understand....there is often at least one who does.
And how good it felt for me to speak the truth of the last 6 grief-stricken months of my life.
That I don't need to live in the shadows of this.
And that it is OK to be me and say what I am feeling.
As I have shared with a couple of you privately...I wanted to share this publicly as well.
I thought it might be an inspiration to some to hear that sometimes humanity will surprise us :) even in dark times when so many have let us down.
We have had 2 pregnancy losses within the last 6 months.
We recently returned from vacation...a vacation that was so healing for me...at least for the time being. Not healED for sure...but vacation gave me space and relaxation and enjoyment and there were no frantic Internet searches for my latest TTC concern.....there were no difficult interpersonal situations to deal with.
I was nervous about how I would fare on vacation. Without DS. Without the Internet and all the things I like to research. Without time to myself to grieve.
I surprised myself and ended up being just fine...in fact more than fine. I felt good for the first time in a long time.
I just lived. And I had some wine. And I had some unpasteurized cheese and I went on the Scrambler at the amusement park. All during my 2WW.
Unfortunately I did not come home to a BFP as I had hoped...but I feel like during that vacation I was living for the first time in a long time.
But that is not the focus of what I wanted to say here. Part of what I want to say is that I turned 40 while on vacation. And this has been a sore point for me emotionally for a while, especially since the miscarriages.
Especially because had the October pregnancy gone well, I would be 8 months pregnant. Especially because had the April pregnancy gone well, I would be nearing the end of my first trimester and we would be announcing to family at my birthday party this weekend that I am pregnant.
So I have dreaded 40 all the more because of the TTC journey and losses.
Being on vacation while turning 40 ended up being a good thing :) On my actual birthday, I swam, I canoed, I went to dinner with a glass of wine. I ate two pieces of cheesecake from the buffet :)
The waitress said is it your birthday? You have this birthday glow about you :) And she brought me out a fancy dessert with the words Happy Birthday spelled out onto the plate with some yummy glaze.
On our drive home from vacation, I realized I would be coming home to Facebook birthday wishes and so I rehearsed in my mind what I would type when I was reunited with the Internet again. Something along the lines of Thank you for the birthday wishes. We had a wonderful vacation.
But I decided to say more. I decided I would call it Gratitude--thank them for the birthday wishes and I would announce on Facebook that as some of you know I have had two pregnancy losses and how difficult it has been. And that I say this out loud on Facebook with the hope that some day miscarriage won't be such a taboo and misunderstood suffering for women. And that I also wanted to share how wonderful our vacation was. And how thankful I am for that.
We came home and I thought about it for another day. The next morning I woke up and felt this was a really bad idea. Risky. What if no one responds? What if someone says something insensitive? Is that really something I want to bring on myself?
But I decided to do it anyway. I felt nervous before I clicked "post" but I did it.
What came about was an outpouring that I never would have imagined of "likes" and posts offering support and words of encouragement. And even one person saying I wish you had told us sooner, we could have prayed for you and supported you.
I also received private messages from others. Sharing their stories of loss. One person offering to get together with me to share with me about her miscarriage and the loss of her son and what has gotten her through difficult times. Another women messaging me that she and her husband had a baby that only lived 4 hours and the book that got her through it. And that she has ordered the book for me and it is on its way.
I was touched. And floored. That people cared. And were not alienated by my sharing.
Even a few males responded. Including one who said that I am a stronger person (sharing what I shared) than he is and that he's sorry to hear of our losses.
I just wanted to share this to show that sometimes good exists when we least expect it. And for every 5 or 10 people who don't understand....there is often at least one who does.
And how good it felt for me to speak the truth of the last 6 grief-stricken months of my life.
That I don't need to live in the shadows of this.
And that it is OK to be me and say what I am feeling.
I decided a few days ago that I would publicly post something on what would have been my due date which is coming up in two weeks. Most of the people that I talk to regularly already know where I've been, but I've been feeling like that's the day to come right out and say it. Hoping I find as much peace as you have!