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I posted this as a journal entry, but I wanted to post here as well to make sure it reached as many as possible.
As I have shared with a couple of you privately...I wanted to share this publicly as well.
I thought it might be an inspiration to some to hear that sometimes humanity will surprise us :) even in dark times when so many have let us down.
We have had 2 pregnancy losses within the last 6 months.
We recently returned from vacation...a vacation that was so healing for me...at least for the time being. Not healED for sure...but vacation gave me space and relaxation and enjoyment and there were no frantic Internet searches for my latest TTC concern.....there were no difficult interpersonal situations to deal with.
I was nervous about how I would fare on vacation. Without DS. Without the Internet and all the things I like to research. Without time to myself to grieve.
I surprised myself and ended up being just fine...in fact more than fine. I felt good for the first time in a long time.
I just lived. And I had some wine. And I had some unpasteurized cheese and I went on the Scrambler at the amusement park. All during my 2WW.
Unfortunately I did not come home to a BFP as I had hoped...but I feel like during that vacation I was living for the first time in a long time.
But that is not the focus of what I wanted to say here. Part of what I want to say is that I turned 40 while on vacation. And this has been a sore point for me emotionally for a while, especially since the miscarriages.
Especially because had the October pregnancy gone well, I would be 8 months pregnant. Especially because had the April pregnancy gone well, I would be nearing the end of my first trimester and we would be announcing to family at my birthday party this weekend that I am pregnant.
So I have dreaded 40 all the more because of the TTC journey and losses.
Being on vacation while turning 40 ended up being a good thing :) On my actual birthday, I swam, I canoed, I went to dinner with a glass of wine. I ate two pieces of cheesecake from the buffet :)
The waitress said is it your birthday? You have this birthday glow about you :) And she brought me out a fancy dessert with the words Happy Birthday spelled out onto the plate with some yummy glaze.
On our drive home from vacation, I realized I would be coming home to Facebook birthday wishes and so I rehearsed in my mind what I would type when I was reunited with the Internet again. Something along the lines of Thank you for the birthday wishes. We had a wonderful vacation.
But I decided to say more. I decided I would call it Gratitude--thank them for the birthday wishes and I would announce on Facebook that as some of you know I have had two pregnancy losses and how difficult it has been. And that I say this out loud on Facebook with the hope that some day miscarriage won't be such a taboo and misunderstood suffering for women. And that I also wanted to share how wonderful our vacation was. And how thankful I am for that.
We came home and I thought about it for another day. The next morning I woke up and felt this was a really bad idea. Risky. What if no one responds? What if someone says something insensitive? Is that really something I want to bring on myself?
But I decided to do it anyway. I felt nervous before I clicked "post" but I did it.
What came about was an outpouring that I never would have imagined of "likes" and posts offering support and words of encouragement. And even one person saying I wish you had told us sooner, we could have prayed for you and supported you.
I also received private messages from others. Sharing their stories of loss. One person offering to get together with me to share with me about her miscarriage and the loss of her son and what has gotten her through difficult times. Another women messaging me that she and her husband had a baby that only lived 4 hours and the book that got her through it. And that she has ordered the book for me and it is on its way.
I was touched. And floored. That people cared. And were not alienated by my sharing.
Even a few males responded. Including one who said that I am a stronger person (sharing what I shared) than he is and that he's sorry to hear of our losses.
I just wanted to share this to show that sometimes good exists when we least expect it. And for every 5 or 10 people who don't understand....there is often at least one who does.
And how good it felt for me to speak the truth of the last 6 grief-stricken months of my life.
That I don't need to live in the shadows of this.
And that it is OK to be me and say what I am feeling.
As I have shared with a couple of you privately...I wanted to share this publicly as well.
I thought it might be an inspiration to some to hear that sometimes humanity will surprise us :) even in dark times when so many have let us down.
We have had 2 pregnancy losses within the last 6 months.
We recently returned from vacation...a vacation that was so healing for me...at least for the time being. Not healED for sure...but vacation gave me space and relaxation and enjoyment and there were no frantic Internet searches for my latest TTC concern.....there were no difficult interpersonal situations to deal with.
I was nervous about how I would fare on vacation. Without DS. Without the Internet and all the things I like to research. Without time to myself to grieve.
I surprised myself and ended up being just fine...in fact more than fine. I felt good for the first time in a long time.
I just lived. And I had some wine. And I had some unpasteurized cheese and I went on the Scrambler at the amusement park. All during my 2WW.
Unfortunately I did not come home to a BFP as I had hoped...but I feel like during that vacation I was living for the first time in a long time.
But that is not the focus of what I wanted to say here. Part of what I want to say is that I turned 40 while on vacation. And this has been a sore point for me emotionally for a while, especially since the miscarriages.
Especially because had the October pregnancy gone well, I would be 8 months pregnant. Especially because had the April pregnancy gone well, I would be nearing the end of my first trimester and we would be announcing to family at my birthday party this weekend that I am pregnant.
So I have dreaded 40 all the more because of the TTC journey and losses.
Being on vacation while turning 40 ended up being a good thing :) On my actual birthday, I swam, I canoed, I went to dinner with a glass of wine. I ate two pieces of cheesecake from the buffet :)
The waitress said is it your birthday? You have this birthday glow about you :) And she brought me out a fancy dessert with the words Happy Birthday spelled out onto the plate with some yummy glaze.
On our drive home from vacation, I realized I would be coming home to Facebook birthday wishes and so I rehearsed in my mind what I would type when I was reunited with the Internet again. Something along the lines of Thank you for the birthday wishes. We had a wonderful vacation.
But I decided to say more. I decided I would call it Gratitude--thank them for the birthday wishes and I would announce on Facebook that as some of you know I have had two pregnancy losses and how difficult it has been. And that I say this out loud on Facebook with the hope that some day miscarriage won't be such a taboo and misunderstood suffering for women. And that I also wanted to share how wonderful our vacation was. And how thankful I am for that.
We came home and I thought about it for another day. The next morning I woke up and felt this was a really bad idea. Risky. What if no one responds? What if someone says something insensitive? Is that really something I want to bring on myself?
But I decided to do it anyway. I felt nervous before I clicked "post" but I did it.
What came about was an outpouring that I never would have imagined of "likes" and posts offering support and words of encouragement. And even one person saying I wish you had told us sooner, we could have prayed for you and supported you.
I also received private messages from others. Sharing their stories of loss. One person offering to get together with me to share with me about her miscarriage and the loss of her son and what has gotten her through difficult times. Another women messaging me that she and her husband had a baby that only lived 4 hours and the book that got her through it. And that she has ordered the book for me and it is on its way.
I was touched. And floored. That people cared. And were not alienated by my sharing.
Even a few males responded. Including one who said that I am a stronger person (sharing what I shared) than he is and that he's sorry to hear of our losses.
I just wanted to share this to show that sometimes good exists when we least expect it. And for every 5 or 10 people who don't understand....there is often at least one who does.
And how good it felt for me to speak the truth of the last 6 grief-stricken months of my life.
That I don't need to live in the shadows of this.
And that it is OK to be me and say what I am feeling.
And by the way, happy belated birthday! So glad you had such a good vacation.
Bell, Thank you! And thank you for the prayers.
Ktk, I am so glad to give you some hope. If anything good can come from these last 6 months, it makes me feel it is worth it.
Smh, I am so glad that you too have found it helpful to express yourself. You make such a good point about it being part of the healing process. How it doesn't magically fix it...but these little steps are all part of the puzzle of putting our lives back together. I love that quote you shared. Thank you so much for sharing.
Andi, I agree--Facebook can be an iffy place at times. And people can be mean. So it was heartening to see that some good can happen on there. I am so sorry that you too have had two losses. I agree..it is the hardest thing I have ever been through as well and there are some other life events of mine that are up there...but it doesn't compare. I am so glad that you too found vacation to be so helpful and healing. I am glad that my sharing helps you somewhat.
LMWT, I don't think of myself as strong :) but when I think about it, you're right...it does take some courage to put it out there. I wouldn't have felt very strong if I didn't get the "right" type of responses. But it ended up being worth the risk. Thank you so much for the good wishes.
Krjohnson, I am touched that you are inspired by what I wrote. I have had feelings similar to what you describe...feeling like less of a woman that my body is not doing what it is designed to do. I am trying to treat it lately with greater respect and know that it is doing its best :) and that I am not inferior because of this. Thank you so much for the support.
Tinyblessings, Thank you so much for the support. It touches me that you are inspired.
HopefulinNY, Thank you for the good wishes. You said it so well...being open with one's heart. It is so important and it brings such a different feel than being closed off.
ANB, Aw :)))))) I'm touched.
Orriginal, I'm touched that you are touched. Thank you! :)))
Rebecca, You make such a wonderful point. About holding onto that vacation mindset (and "heartset"). I will say that coming back from vacation has been challenging, as I knew it would be. Returning home to all the reminders. And returning home to some difficult interpersonal situations that are triggers for me. So it takes a lot more effort at home, but I am determined :) My husband said something similar to me the other day---similar to what you said. He said you don't want to look back on these years of your life and feel that you had it on hold and that you missed out on a time period of your life because of TTC. So I am working towards living again and am thinking of taking flute lessons :) and just embracing life again.
Wish you a very happy belated birthday..!
So I share your feeling. You mention only you and your husband know what you're going through. At times you probably feel like you're on a ship lost at sea battling a storm. I will keep you in my thoughts.
I have felt myself in that ship even though so many people DO know what has happened in our lives the last 6 months. Because 95% of them have not recognized what this is like for us. I have grown extremely tired of trying to talk about it to most people because most of them just aren't comfortable with this topic or maybe anything difficult or complicated so I have not had the support (outside of DS) that I have needed.
And so even with people knowing, it has been an incredibly lonely road because we have not gotten the support we need.
And that's what made the Facebook outpouring so very comforting.
Kattypuppy, Thank you for the kind words. It was such a risk. Honestly, I don't think I would've been well prepared for bad consequences (which very easily could have happened) on Facebook.
I thought for sure this one FB friend in particular would say something insensitive. She messaged me last year and wanted to know how I'm doing and when I told her about our TTC journey she said "what are you doing trying to have a baby at OUR age?! LOL!"
I am sensitive to even "jokes" like that. So I knew she may say something insensitive when I posted about the losses last week. But very surprisingly, she was one of the ones who posted her condolences. And it seemed heartfelt.
So it really was a situation of "people can pleasantly surprise you" even the ones you expect to let you down.
But that certainly doesn't happen very often in life :)