I don't envy your situation even a little bit. The only thing I would add to the other (good) advice you've gotten is this:

Have you considered IVF? They can test one cell from an embryo to determine whether it carries the mutation, and only put back healthy ones. It's more expensive, but... it would also probably give you the best chance for a healthy baby that is completely yours and your husband's.

I had a conversation today with my husband about it. We both agreed if I do not get pregnant through IVF (and we will try two cycles) that our options are to adopt or have no children. Neither one of us would want to use someone else's sperm or eggs.

My Dh and I talked about this and decided that we would rather adopt than have the baby come from one and not the other.

It is completely a personal decision but my husband and I are using donor eggs. Certainly not how we thought we would try to get pregnant but IUI's and IVF's also were not in our original plan when we started this journey 3 yrs ago. I don't see it as not my child since it isn't my egg, you will carry the child, help shape the child and guide the child through the world this is what makes a parent not if you borrowed some DNA. I also believe that innately there is connection with having a child in you for 9 months and perhaps some of you is passed on. Good luck to you with whatever decision you come to. I'm also going through the donor process so if you have questions please feel free to send my a message.

This is a tough one that you both kind of need to be on the same page. In our case, if this round of IVF doesn't work, we're probably going to try foster parenting. When you foster (in Mich.) you can choose the age, sex, race, etc.. of the child/infant you'd like. The courts are quicker to terminate rights of unfit parents (they usually have about a year to get it together), then leaving the child up for adoption. The foster parent gets preferece if there are no other family members who step in. In our area there is always a shortage of foster parents. You have the bonus of doing good for a child/infant who desperately needs a safe, loving home. I would encourage this as a possible option.

My husband and have finally got to the bottom of our fertility problems and our only options are adoption or artificial insemination. My husband has a genetic defect that badly effects his sperm production. We have decided to adopt. He already feels inadequate because he can't give me a baby. I don't want to put him in the position of my genetic baby not his, does that make since? We are going to go threw this together and adopt. We want to give a child a home, love, and stability!

It's also important to remember that if you choose to go down the donor route, there is no guarantee that you'll have a child at the end of all the expense and physically draining treatments. Whereas with adoption there is not the same uncertainty.

Personally I think that a couple shouldn't go through something without being completely together on it from the start - otherwise it's going to cause resentment and difficulties in the end. Your husband needs to understand completely how you feel about the situation - which he should do if he was against you using donor sperm.

Sounds like you need to talk more about all this - just don't go agreeing to something just because you feel guilty about being 'broke' - that is NOT your fault and not a good reason to go ahead with something you're not happy about.

Good luck with everything and I'm sorry you have to go through all this. Hope things work out soon

x

Keep in mind that just because you use donor eggs, this does not mean that your IVF will work. The eggs still have to stick, etc. They can be the best eggs in the world but that is not the only factor in achieving a pregnancy. I don't have my ovaries anymore (removed due to tumors) so we had to use donor eggs to try to get pregnant - two rounds of IVF with donor eggs and no pregnancy. But on the other hand, if you begin to pursue adoption, eventually, one glorious day, even though it may take a while you WILL bring home a baby - that guarantee does not come with IVF. Give yourself sometime to sort our your own thoughts and talk with your DH again, you guys will work this out - just remember that guys have an entirely different outlook on this baby makin' stuff.

i can completely understand your frustration, hurt, and anger at your husband's comment.

i would carefully consider the options of either egg donor or adoption. with the egg donor you would be able to carry the child and give birth. even though it's not your egg, it would be a part of you.

adoption is another great option because it is giving a loving home with two devoted parents to a child who otherwise would not have one.

good luck in your decision. i'll be praying for you. i'm so sorry you have to endure all of this.

I have to tell you that my DH and I had this same fight about 6 months ago.

I completely agree with you. I made it clear under no uncertain terms that using someone else's egg is just not an option that I can live with.

My reasons are a little bit different than most though. I was married before and have a stepson. My previous husband died. I love my stepson to death. But, I have spent a fair amount of my adult life raising someone else's child. My feeling is that if it can't be biologically both of ours then it has to be neither. I don't want to feel like nothing more than a surrogate to another stepchild. (His and not mine). I need us both to be on the same footing.

I hope that helps a little bit. Good luck.

I'm doing a donor FET right now. My DH's genes are all dominant, so baby wouldn't look like me anyways. I wanted the experience of pregnancy. I figure if we aren't successful with this we will talk about adoption. But I really wanted to be pregnant and all the joy/pain that entails. You and DH have to do what feels/works for you. Sounds like more discussion might be in order to talk about your feelings v. his.

im with you i would rather the baby had both or neither of us as bio parents! if you decide to adopt the baby will be very lucky to come into a home with a mum like you x

My hubby and I have discussed it as well. We would do adoption before donor eggs for many of the same reasons that you stated. I am all for adoption even if we do have our own bio child, we may still adopt at some point.

We also decided to dapot. We figured we wanted the baby to either be biologically our or not at all. You have to do whatever is good for you. If you still want to experience pregnancy you could consider donor embryos. Good luck whatever you decide.

I'm sorry. I just read your journal and found out you are pregnant. I am so very excited for you. I will pray for a healthy pregnancy for you!!