Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
I had a very intense therapy session today and I'm still shaking inside. I asked my therapist last week if we could concentrate on my suicidal part. This was my sixth major suicide attempt and I'm afraid I won't survive another, since I came so very close to dyeing this time.
My first two suicide attempts were between 5 to 10 years old. My next two suicide attempts were between 10 to 13 years old and my fifth was at 16. This was my sixth.
Feeling helpless plays a major role in it. From ages 4 to 6, I couldn't walk. There were lots of doctor visits, both in Springfield and Boston Mass, then the hospital for six months then a wheelchair for nine months then crutches for nine months. After all that I really couldn't participate in any sports where I had to run.
I believe that's where my father became disgusted with me and started to criticize and belittle me all the time. It seems that he put me in situations where I couldn't help but be criticized because I physically couldn't do what was required of me. And he did this on purpose because he wanted to destroy any self esteem I had and he succeeded.
Previously I could talk about some of this and not feel anything, but today during therapy I really felt how horrible it really was. This was very deep and painful, but I know this needs to be confronted and I need to feel it to believe it's real. Today I felt it in my whole body and it left me shaking inside.
This will probably take me some time to process it, but I feel OK. It just feels real now.
My first two suicide attempts were between 5 to 10 years old. My next two suicide attempts were between 10 to 13 years old and my fifth was at 16. This was my sixth.
Feeling helpless plays a major role in it. From ages 4 to 6, I couldn't walk. There were lots of doctor visits, both in Springfield and Boston Mass, then the hospital for six months then a wheelchair for nine months then crutches for nine months. After all that I really couldn't participate in any sports where I had to run.
I believe that's where my father became disgusted with me and started to criticize and belittle me all the time. It seems that he put me in situations where I couldn't help but be criticized because I physically couldn't do what was required of me. And he did this on purpose because he wanted to destroy any self esteem I had and he succeeded.
Previously I could talk about some of this and not feel anything, but today during therapy I really felt how horrible it really was. This was very deep and painful, but I know this needs to be confronted and I need to feel it to believe it's real. Today I felt it in my whole body and it left me shaking inside.
This will probably take me some time to process it, but I feel OK. It just feels real now.
I do dislike the fact that growth always comes with pain, but it is how things are. You are SO incredibly strong - I have read many of your posts and the struggles you have already overcome. Please never give up - as a survivor myself, and as a therapist, I have seen what you are going through firsthand from both sides of the "desk" - The fact that now your memories are coming back with feelings attached is a GOOD thing This means you are taking down the protective walls that you built long ago, which also means that your mind knows it is ready to face the whole truth - emotions and all.
God I remember the shaking and trembling feeling - as if my souls itself was vibrating! It is SUCH an uneasy and unstable feeling. And it is a sign that it is time to focus on self-care and a little self-pampering. It seems like I would just get stabilized and another session would start the shaking all over again. But once I was able to get this out of my system, to really shake all I needed to and to let all those emotions out into the light again, then I was able to truly face the demons and get past my pain. I do hope this is true for you also. You have taken a huge step here, whether it feels like it or not.
Please do take care of yourself - your insights and knowledge of the effects of abuse will help others more than you know.
All my best - hang on, it does get better!!
Refuse2quit
I think after the processing part comes some clarity and it is so so so nice. I can't say it's worth the pain and storm of emotion that precedes it but at least it's something!
How would you describe what you are going through? I like the term "nervous breakthrough."
I really like the "nervous breakthrough" idea - and that is a lot of what it is like.
Very deep thought!! Thanks for sharing!
All my best-
Refuse2quit
Also, my long term disability is giving me a hard time again. It's hard to keep the logical problem solving part in charge because the suicidal part wants to take control. I have another part that feels paranoid. It feels like everything is a struggle, but I'm holding my own with all the support everyone gives me here.
I feel as the other do that your making great progress. He's a little easy (well not at first) exercise you could try. Do this, every time you see yourself in the mirror say this, "I am a beautiful child of creation (or use God), worthy of love and happiness and I love you". Say this outloud, yet it can be a whisper just as long as you can hear yourself saying this. The more senses involved the quicker the message will tack root, you could even hug yourself while saying those words. I time this WILL raise your spirits up and the more you do it the more your spirits will stay up no matter what negativity is around you. This takes time to take effect and requires discipline to keep doing it. Also write it down on post it notes and place them were you spend time so you can involve your sense of sight too. Many people have done this and it does work, you start to feel good about yourself and you stay feeling good. I do this myself since my wife is often verbally abusive, I sink but I can get back to that good feeling much quicker and my pain doesn't bother me as bad either. Keep moving forward and someday you'll wonder where the darkness went, Be Gentle with Yourself, Blaine
How can we help? You have so much that you have already conquered, it would be such a loss to us all if you give in to such now. Would it help to go to the ER or call a crisis line?
Let us know what we can say or do to help.
Steve
So sorry to have left the computer for a short while - had something come up here at the homestead that had to get my attention.
I also has some limited ability due to a blown disc and a bad recovery. I know that does not equate to what you are going through as you disability is more pervasive than mine. But I have learned that if I focus on the the I can no longer do, then I get down and depressed. I have to look at all I can still do - and you have given some phenomenal advice to others, so you still have a good head on your shoulders. You have abilities, and these are what you have to think of - not your losses, but what you have retained. It sounds like you have had some positive things that occurred in your home health care and visiting nurses of late - you have more socialization than you did have, or so it seems. Please do not focus on what you are not able to do, but what you have left to offer. I know this is going to be hard to do, as you have to change your thinking about your situation.....and that is never easy to do. But again, try just thinking about the good things you have accomplished here on this site - you have given a lot to others, now give a little to yourself.
All my best -
Refuse2quit
I think you are far from helpless. Just because you feel it doesn't make it true. You were helpless then and you blocked it because you weren't strong enough to handle it. Now you are facing it - this is extraordinarily brave as the raw feelings you had then come back and feel real again. But it isn't real. You aren't that child any more. These are memories of feeling helpless.
I know you still have the disabilities and more, but you also now have people around you who want to help you, who support you, you have a voice. You are telling your therapist and us things that you couldn't tell anyone when you were a child. You also have a positive role to play in other people's lives. You give me hope and courage. I admire how far you have come, what you have faced in the time I have 'known' you. You are an inspiration to me.
Please don't act on the suicidal part of you. See it, give it attention, do something nice for it, listen to it, but don't do what it says.
Take care of your wonderful self.
They lied to me. I asked them to call Hasbro and find out about my pension. They said they checked on that, Social security and my long term disability and they told me every thing would be paid on the first of October. I gave them the last of the money I had for gas. Now I'm out of money and can't afford the three prescriptions I'm out of. I will not be able to get them till Wednesday.
I expect to be back in the hospital again soon or dead. The doctored told me that if I ran out of one of the meds I'm out of the same thing would happen.
I haven't visiting nurse today and I will see if she has any ideas, but I doubt it.
You are really having a tough time today - I hate to read this as it is just another thing you have to deal with. But don't give up hope, there are agencies that can help most anywhere you are anymore. Do talk to your visiting nurse and allow her to help as she can. Often they will know of area emergency funding for such situations. Or perhaps go to the local ER and explain what occurred - there is a chance they can assist you if it is life or death without the meds.
If you are a US citizen, you can report your son and DIL to the local Elder / disabled person's abuse agency - I used to work as an Elder Abuse investigator and such things happened a lot more than people would like to think about - the highest reported area of abuse was financial and often it was relatives or caregivers who were taking money, just as your son and DIL did, to use for their own bills or such. Most, if not all these agencies had a budget to use in order to get clients out of such binds. And as hard as it is to think about, you can and should prosecute them in order to get your money back. The agency I used to work for did all of the legal side for the client - all they had to do was give a statement and we as investigators and client advocates took it to the local police, made the report, and followed through with all the needed footwork - all of this is free for the client. In the US being disabled does have SOME advantages in such cases - you can get through this, it may just take a little while.
Will your therapist see you "on a tab" so to speak, or do you have to pay upfront? If not them, does your local ER have an on duty psychiatrist that can perhaps get you the needed meds? You nurse should be able to assist with such questions or she may know of a local funding agent that can get you the help you need.
You will be in my prayers tonight - you have had a rough go of it lately, to say the least. I do hope that you reach out to the resources you have available in order to find some assistance. And if your son does not care enough but to steal from you, I would not hesitate to report him and your daughter in law - they need to learn that life has boundaries and they just stepped over a BIG one. If they would do this to you, they would do it to some stranger in a minute, so please do report them in order to protect yourself and others in their path. What they have done is illegal and, at least in the US, you have some recourse under circumstances.
All my best - again, let us know what happens - a lot of us here are concerned!
Refuse2quit
Do not panick.You are having a panick attack because of the money and the issssues subconsciuosly related to money and abuse.
It's all going to be ok.Your situation is going to be regulated in early October.
I also panick aound financial mattters and "impending doom" syndrome.
One part of you could talk to the littles inside who are not being rational and show them it is going to be ok.
Both my husband and I are on disability pensions.For my part, I saw very quicklythe benefits from it,ie it entitled me to do things I could never do before because I was caught up with my job:I was able to study again,writeand go on meditation retreat and basically become the real mei never had time to get in touch with.
Now your back rent is paid, which is a very good thing,and the paperwork has been done for your benefit rights.
Take some rest;You are entering a new life;