urbanmusicgal,

Difficult question to answer because of the many, many variables involved in each one of our lives--just to name a few:

What we came into this life with (science has shown that each one of us is born with a "genetic marker" for happiness (50%) that is influenced by two things: our environment (10%) and our chosen thoughts and actions (40%) ); /from Greater Good Science Center U.C. Berkeley

Another variable is our abuse experience: started at what age, who did it, how long, how many, torture, etc., etc.,

And yet another variable includes those actions we took to heal: what kind of therapy, body work, spiritual connection, etc., etc.

Then add to that all our individual definitions of happiness. Science defines happiness as, "Subjective well-being. That is, the way people evaluate their lives in terms of life satisfaction and emotional state."

Another definition of happiness comes from researcher, Shawn Achor who says, "I define happiness as the joy one feels striving for one's potential. Happiness is NOT the belief that everything is great, happiness is the belief that change is possible."

I like Achor's definition because throughout my healing work I have carried the belief that change is possible. Very difficult, but possible. So, depending on how I frame the question I can either say I have lived well in pursuit of my healing. Or I can let my anger spew out regrets, rage, and retaliation.

I have chosen to frame all the healing work I have done as a life well-lived for it has ultimately taken me to myself and to self-love.

So, yes, I can look back and say "in spite of the incest, I lived well." In fact, I might even say, because of the incest I have lived a life worthy of examination. I don't know if I would have had the need to dig as deep to find myself otherwise; I may have simply lived the life approved by my family and our culture.

You ask, "How did you do it?" I say by never giving up.

xx
SuzA

Thank you SuzA66

Urbanmusicgal- "Not me" to the 1st three things, and "I've lived as well as possible inspite of" the incest to the 4th.

I have a better life because I don't try to rid myself of unpleasant feelings. They're undeniably a part of my experiences, so I work with them in order to maintain balance. My anger no longer dictates my approach to life, but I certainly keep it on the back burner as a safety net. That prevents me from being defenseless like I was when victimized in the past. Now I feel worth fighting for with a vengeance. And rage. And all those other nasty words, lol.

I believe that my strength, insight, and ability to stand up to my evil environment were proven, not heightened, by my incest experience. More aware of them maybe, but not "because of" the trauma. Those qualities that helped get me through belong to me alone. If I thought my horrible experience would make me a stronger or more compassionate person, it stands to reason that more, perhaps even worse experiences would escalate my better qualities even further. It could easily toss me right back into the martyr role. No thanks. I don't need that much improvement ;-)

To #1 - I lived a part of the life I wanted. That means I got a part of what I had planned for and desired. And, that part was very complete, deep and amazing. Everytime I think about it, I feel happy.

It wasn't all that all of the hope and dream wasn't important, it was. It just didn't happen.

I didn't get a lot of the life I wanted, because I didn't know how, and when I would try, over and over, I couldn't get it. I have been able to overcome weird behaviors because of therapy, but I still feel and present as very "odd" or maybe eccentric because of all the coping mechanisms. But instead of failing, Instead I developed deep resources and a sense of confidence from victory over most of the negatives that happen in my life. I do get the positives though.
I developed courage, even though I have been scared to death (PTSD), for most of my life.

I am getting up there in years, and I feel my energy leaving - the energy I used to do battle with the abuse, the PTSD and the pain. Hmm. I thought I could do battle with it forever. I will never accept any position of victimization. I am old enough to look back on my entire life, and see it all.

Sometimes I see so much of what I didn't or couldn't get out of life was because of the abuse, the endless PTSD with its problems. I never thought I'd ever see that. I thought I had won.

First of all I want to say that I love this topic. It is a very insightful topic that makes one think about positive things, so thank you for posting it.

I will say for the longest time I did not live the life that I wanted. I was completely consumed my what happened to me. From about 14 to 22 I lead a very destructive and chaotic life. Sure I had fun living certain parts of that life, but I never knew fulfillment. I was broken in many ways and for the longest time I did not want help.
It took three mental breaks and loosing everything that I loved to finally reach the point to where I sought out help and began to work toward peace.
I began therapy when I was 22 and I am proud to say that just this past July, I finally understood what it was like to be healed from everything that happened to me. I am now 31. It is a liberating feeling to live without all of the weight that my past had placed on my shoulders. Through the process, I learned to finally love myself. I learned that I was not a victim but a survivor. I obtained a spirituality that I never knew I could have. I have succeeded in reclaiming my life.
The specific therapy that helped me the most is called exposure therapy. It was rough and I wanted to quit more than once but I am glad that I stuck with it. Another tool that also helped me a lot was the book "The Courage to Heal" and the activity book that goes with it. It helped a lot to know that I was not alone.
I never thought that I would ever know such peace in my life.

urbanmusicgal,

I still believe this is a difficult question to answer because of the many variables, but can share with you what my life looked like before I began working on my healing.

Your question: "Who has lived the life they wanted to."

"My answer: Before healing I did not know I could decide what kind of life I wanted to live. I was so highly defended I never dared to come out to explore...I didn't even know I could explore. All I knew (subconsciously) was that I could not let anyone see the "real" me; the me that believed the abuse was my fault--that "naughty little girl" who blinded herself to the abuse just so she could get some kind--any kind, of love.

My younger sister said what helped her survive was knowing that some day it would end. That thought never occurred to me. Instead, I buried my heart in a junkyard and became a sex puppet in order to survive.

Your question: "Who has lived the life they chose for themselves"

My answer: I spent years doing work I hated because my high school counselor told me I was not college material--and because I believed her. But even after I earned a graduate degree, I still didn't think I was good enough to do anything except the work I hated. It would take a quirk of life to point me in the right direction--by then I was 42.

Your question: "Who has lived, for the most part a 'Happy' life?"

My answer: Here, I will repeat what I said in my first post. Happy is a subjective feeling. I've traveled and have delighted in the experiences. I'm grateful for my son. I find great joy in creating the collages I create and am now learning to play the piano. I value my handful of friends and am learning to be more social. So, there have been times of appreciation and joy. But happiness? Again, I say when I frame it in terms of my healing work then yes, I've know times of deep happiness--and most of that happiness was about getting in touch with myself, not necessarily about other people. It's knowing I can change.

Your question: "Who is old enough to look back and say, 'In spite of the incest, I lived well?' "

My answer: Well, I am certainly old enough LOL. And will say, to the degree that living well coincides with the healing work I've done I have indeed lived well because I know that incest was something done to me, it is not who I am. I know that I can shape my own life now and that brings me great joy.

Of course, I could respond to your post from the dark side sharing all the missed opportunities, the victim-thinking that was such a large part of my life, the struggles to discover the real me, clinical depression, etc., etc., because I am aware of all of that and have worked thru almost all of it. But, these days when I look back I can only be grateful for that part of me that refused to give up because...

we can heal.

xx
SuzA

Instead of getting what I wanted, I learned how to like what I got, because many wonderful things have happened in my life. I also learned that if I didn't get deep pockets, I got deep resources, and I know exactly 'who" I am. There are many people who can't say that, and then, there are many people who can. I am happy with who I am, and what I learned in this lifetime. If I didn't get the guidance, support and love I needed as a child and youth, I was able to put myself together, piece-by-piece, and I like the person who I am. I also got to "parent" my own self, and I did a pretty good job.

There is one thing that lurks in void deep inside though, and that's that I never found love with a husband or significant other. The children's father left early on in the marriage and that was the end for me, I guess. When I looked up at the calendar after years of hard work, etc. I realized that I was 66, and I hadn't had a date for twelve years! In a way I find this funny in a dark sort of way. In another way I realized how busy I had been with my children, and my own maturity. Time just passed me by.

It is very mysterious to me how I was never really intimately loved by anybody other than my children.

So - I scratch my head, face the day and go on like I always have . . .


#2: If I didn't live the life I chose for myself: a loving marriage, security and famly, I got the family I always dreamed of, and even more. To know that I could give my children love, health and support as a single mother, was wonderful. They all grew into great adults.

urbanmusicgal,

I, too, know myself and am deeply grateful. Deep pockets, deep resources? No deep pockets...yet. Deep resources, that would be my Self. I am just learning to open up to safe others.

I've had many years of healing and am also grateful for that. What I have yet to experience is a deep, intimate connection to a man--though I've been married for over 20 years. So, for me, that means more work on my part. Oh, there is a part of me that shouts, "How unfair! I didn't ask for the abuse but I am left to put myself back together."

Okay. It's true that it's not fair and it's also true that I am to put myself back together. So, I will. I must go even deeper within to find out what false beliefs I still carry about being able to form an intimate bond (emotionally and physically) with a man; being able to trust a man enough to let my guard down.

At times I hate that it keeps coming back to me, but I know that the only real control that I have in my life starts and ends with me. No one can do it for me.

As I clear my own stuff I expect that I will draw to me all my heart's desires...the main one being able to live a life of intimate connection with man.

Thank you for this post for it has given me much to reflect on and to be grateful for. And to remind myself that no matter my age it is never too late to heal the stuff that is getting in the way of me having my heart's desires.

xx
SuzA

I wish that I could answer that question with a resounding yes. But alas I cannot.

In spite of the incest, did I live a "happy" life?

Actually, I have known a couple of people who were able to lead happy lives, so to speak. They had a positive outlook, they had energy and time to do what they wanted to do, and build their lives in positvie, constructive ways. Both of these individuals received apologies from their abusers, and commitments from their offenders that he or she would improve, and improve they did.

As for me, I can not describe my life as being "unhappy" because my data, what I know about myself could not prove that statement. There are days that the sadness and loss clouds the day due to the PTSD, which is secondary to the abuse. I have noticed in life that the days come and go. I can't describe my life as being unhappy. I had a housefull of cavorting kids for 24 years, and enjoyment of all their health and success as a job well done on my part.

If I could stack the sad days up against the happy days of my whole life, I am sure the happy days would win out.

At the same time, my life has been full of diligence about my thinking, and about integration work in order to be able to claim what I do have. It has been a lot of hard work, period.

If there is a next step, if I could have one, it would be to move past the absence of love, connection and intimacy, and, a secure home of my own, in order to enjoy life, and experience at a more fun level.

I have good days and bad days like anybody else. I love my home , husband and life. It takes therapy to help heal and recognize you're not alone. Of course today was a sad flashback body memory day till I had anxiety attack but they don't happen much anymore and especially if I avoid the triggers.

I have to choose everyday to live my life happily. I don't everyday get bogged down by flashbacks or have even a 3rd of the night terrors that I used to (thank you therapy). But every once in awhile something jumps up and bites me in the throat and it is the people that I chose to put around me, and work hard to function with, that support me in standing back up.

I saw a women who suffered abuse once say to her abuser "you took the life I was meant to have away from me, the person I was supposed to be if you hadn't done this." and I guess I believe that's true, but it isn't a person I ever knew, so instead of always thinking to myself "I lost that person at 5" I say instead, "God help me to embrace this person I am now, help me to smile"

We're all a work in progress, each day is a new one, and our pasts, presents and futures are all running at the same time. Live well now and be glad for every moment you get to.

Hi - good thought-provoking questions. I am in my 40s now and I think about these questions. The good news is I feel I still have time to choose to live life the way I want to live it and that in making healthy choices there will be more opportunities for the life I dreamed of having. No, I did not get to live the life I planned. I am so grateful for my children, who love me unconditionally and who are such a joy and such treasures in my life. I had always expected to raise them in a two-parent house hold, and that has not been possible. It's been 9 years since I divorced and I just recently accepted that I am a single parent (not temporarily unmarried), so I am stubborn. That can slow down my learning. But in spite of the incest I have lived well. I have a secure career and the respect and affection of my peers and I have begun to love and respect myself.

how did I do it - every day I fight the demon of worthlessness. Every day I have to remember I am worthy of loved and that I am love, and I must love myself first and be compassionate with myself first. I still feel self-loathing, I still get triggered, I still get angry and hate the man who was supposed to protect me, I still feel unworthy of friendship and respect and love. But every day I fight the negative feelings and I focus on love.

Great topic.

The life I wanted definitely was not how it began and what it left me with - but it is what it is.

The life I chose didn't come until I was free to make such choices.

Not until I met my husband could I say I lived a truly Happy life. It was so fragmented and I have major gaps in time- but will say there are fond memories That I hold tightly to.

I will say that I live well now and even with the issues and multiple disorders stemming from abuse and BP dx I really can't complain.

I know happiness but prefer to have real Joy in my life which is what I have created by choice now.

How have I done it? Well when young I just disconnected whenever things were bad and was able to function. My mind saved me in many ways. I was self destructive as a teen into my early 20's and didn't care if I lived or died. My mind couldn't save me then.

The reality of what was slammed me in the face but I managed to always keep some hope alive and my heart wasn't hardened.

I always say that my body./ mind may have been abused etc but the one thing that nobody could take away was my soul.. My core. My heart.

So I found where I belonged at 22 and found someone that accepts me no matter what the issues are which in turn helps me live the life I always wanted!

If I had never met my husband? Heck I have no idea where I would be or what my story would be but that's ok I like the one I'm in now!

NOT ME.

The level of affect I got was irreversible.
I am not a weak person and sometimes the affliction caused by the abuse of specially your so called "family" has such a deleterious effect on a child's developing neuroendocrine system its just not possible to fully heal ever.
You can live with the problem just like someone can live without a limb. Making the best of it. But that comes with limitations.

Not to mention steps taken under the spell of PTSD that have intervened in achieving dreams and goals. Its really not easy.
So give yourself a break