Welcome and i am glad you found us. You will find many kindred spirits here. as to confronting him. it is difficult to give advice on this subject becuase i don't know the players involved and it is different for everyong. that being said. when i was ready it was the best thing i could have done. it was very empowering. and i felt like i was finnally takening back control.

I posted this in another discussion and thought it might help you as well. :)

Welcome to the board. I hope you find it helpful to your healing. I'm sad your going through what you are and have been through the same recently. I struggled with confronting my father, uncle and cousin.
The thing is tabby, you may never make them pay for what they did through the confrontation however, as justanothersurvivor said, it is VERY empowering!

In March of 2010, I confronted my father for his satanic ritual abuse from the ages 2-14 detailing what he did and how affected my body, mind and soul. My mother baked a cake and told me not to raise my voice to my father. He point blank told me you can;t rape the willing to my face, sending me into a dissociative state in fear. It took me over 2 weeks to recover.

My advice to you is this:
First examine why you want to confront. Is it for protection, validation, resolution, calling him out, saving someone else? ? ?

Make a list of pros and cons for and against confronting see which list is greater. You may not get the validation you need, the protection you want. and so on. Are you ok with this?

Can you do a letter confrontation? In most cases survivors don;t even need a face to face confrontation, in fact I wish I had done a letter instead.

I hope you are able to make the right choice for you that brings ultimate healing ending pain.

~K "

Thanks for the advice He told me that If I ever told anyone that he would find me and kill me. I want to go back to him and tell him that what he did to me did hurt me in more ways than he can count. I am looking for an apology from him I want him to realize what he did to me and the other girls was wrong.

They all say that but you are the best judge as to whether he would be violent or not. if he is a violent person then you should consider the consequences of a direct confrontation. if you must do a direct confrontation in lew of a letter then take an advocate for an abuse womens shelter with you or a couple of friends you can trust but it is very important you consider why you need to do this. If you are looking for something from him then i think you are going to be very disappointed. If you are doing it to empower yourself then I think you will find your encounter worth it. but expect nothing from him.

I think I might just start with a letter and see what happens I know his name and where he lives. I look it up one day while I was online. Hes a very mean man and he probably would try and hurt me if I confronted him. so I am going to try this first.

good choice and good luck. i am glad you are here

Thanks I am glad that I found this group. I think it will help me a lot.

You may be able to report him and get the law on your side. Legally you may still be within the "time frame" of reporting.

You have to do what is comfortable for you and I wish you the best no matter which way you handle this.

Welcome and I hope you find all the support you need in your RL and here at DS. Take Care-

Good advice Banshie :)

I say let the police do the confronting for you. I'm not sure about all states, but in Kentucky there is no statute of limitations on rape. That means he could be charged criminally for what he did to you. If you remember any of the girls names who were in foster care with you, they could be contacted and charges pressed for them as well.

My abuser was my grandfather and because I didn't report the abuse until I was an adult, I really thought nothing would happen to him. It did because 6 of us ended up testifying. He went to prison.

Good luck and I hope whatever choice you make, you find peace.

Thanks I hope he goes. to jail for the rest of his life. He made me and the other girls do stuff that I can't even talk about. it hurts to much. to bring it up.

I didn't realize until I confronted my abuser that I still feared him many years later. What I hoped for was an apology because I thought it would heal me. It's not what I got. He said "I never think about it." Of course it was all about him. I said I would never see him again and I haven't. But I stood up to him and the fear was gone. And I bet he thinks about it now every time another pervert is in the news and people question how someone could be so sick.

In your case is there any way to contact the others you know were abused? If so, maybe legal action could be taken. God forbid they are still foster parents.

Stay strong and take your time deciding what is right for you.

I can only endorse what others have already said. Confronting your foster father alone will make him pay or acknowledge what happened, let alone his guilt or responsibility. If you want him to pay then it will be a matter for the courts - there are those in the forum who have taken this route and they'd be the best to cover that. If the others he abused were also willing to come forward that would of course help your case. But be warned, prosecutions are not a foregone conclusion, he might not be convicted and if he is the sentence might be much less than you think it should be. You would need to deal with this.

If he has threatened violence I'd do what I could to make sure I was properly protected. If you do decide to do it in person (although I see you are reconsidering this) then take someone physically and mentally strong along with you. If he knows or can find out where you live then put this information, including your fears in a letter to a lawyer or inform the police - and let him know you have done this. It may or may not dissuade him from trying anything, but if he does then at least someone else in a position of authority knows the situation.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the very best.

If you looking for an aplogy from him you may never get it. When I confronted my dad, his respond was (you still mad at that and laugh)

Sorry I hit the send button and was not finish. I call my dad on the phone and ask him to help me pay my therphis. he told me he did not have any money and hung up. I had so much anger and wanted him to pay or at least had to face it an deal with it. I got a laywer to help me. I had to face him and deal with my anger. I also wanted him to deal with what he did to me on some level. We went to court a couple of times and I was scare, but the best part for me was seeing him and seeing the stress and fear on his face. We settel out of court for $5,000.00 It was not about the money for me as much as I just wanted him to have to deal with it. It took two years and he now knows alot of other people know and I am no longer scare of him. I ended up oweing more money then when I started but that was ok because like I said it was not about the money.

I think if you can find other girls that was in foster care with you and they was willing to deal with it as you seem to want to do. I would get a laywer and have them all go with you. It will be stressful, but in the end worth it. He may never say he sorry, he may never admitted it and he may never go to jail. However he will know that other people know what he did and I'm sure he will never be a foster parent again. You will be saving other girls from the pain you have and to me that worth everything.

ufortualety we don't always get the response we want, you may never get an apology.

I might press charges, get the other girls to speak up, there must be lots of girls who have gone through those with the foster parents. get CPS involved. I think you will find this more satisfying. If you and the other girls can establish pattern of abuse throu the years. Get that evil man thrown in prison. Pedophiles DON"T do well in prison, if you catch my drift.