I also want to be another voice assuring you that you are not alone and you are not sick, disgusting and worthless.

I have had times when I've relied on abuse fantasies when 'flying solo' as hylie puts it. What helped me the most was reading a book by Wendy Maltz, The Sexual Healing Journey. That book and others are described in this link

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wendy_Maltz

- I think you might find one of her other books helpful too which focuses on fantasies. I am thinking about getting it too because I am back in a low cycle with the same feelings you are expressing about never finding a man who would accept me in all of my truth.

What has also helped me is kundalini yoga. I am not good at yoga but I do love the meditation and the chanting. It is so peaceful. We are sacred, and meditation can bring you to the place where you deeply know that beyond all experience in this body we are part of an endless energy. I don't know you enough to guess about your religious feelings but in case you are not familiar with kundalini yoga, it is not based on the many-god and goddess theology of Hinduism but on a monotheistic framework. But unlike the Judeo-Christian tradition and Islam, the kundalini yoga theology includes the concept that there is a divine creative force which is female (Shakti). For women and men to honor the intuitive side and the feminine side of ourselves (which our society denies - we are all taught that divinity is male), kundalini yoga includes mantras and chants about Shakti: there is one in this link under Bhajans and Mantras:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shakti

what I also like about yoga concepts is the idea that the divine dwells within each of us. We are hobbled by the shame that belongs to the abusers .... but if we can come to believe that each of us is sacred from the beginning (no original sin as I was raised to believe), then I think letting go of shame is a spiritual process not just an intellectual exercise that emotionally is a challenge to integrate.

I hope you dont mind my long ramble. I am struggling too with the feeling I will not find a companion with whom I can be intimate and vulnerable ... that is because I reject myself still. I hate myself still, And these feelings are for me to grieve. I am happiest after a kundalini yoga class when I have felt I have respected my body by exercising it and also respected my heart by letting myself feel the love of God for me as a sacred part of the Divine. And I dont think I could have made much progress without the insights of Wendy Maltz. I am also glad to have a kind and wise therapist.

I guess what I am trying to say is that these are the ways I have found most helpful to becoming a good companion to myself. .... once I fully love and accept myself, then I believe a healthy companion who can accept me in all of my truth and love me and be the nurturing supportive person Dave is reassuring you will be there .... will be there for me too.

You are NOT alone. You are normal. It is normal for a survivor of abuse to associate abuse with sexual pleasure (orgasm). The reason probably varies a bit case to case, but children are not born with shame (they dont know that they are not supposed to experience sexual pleasure or that they should feel guilty about it). We learn shame, and even once we learn shame, it is difficult to control the bodys natural (normal) response to sexual stimulation. Its all very confusing for abuse survivors because all of these complicated emotions are mixed together, but some time in your past, you were sexually stimulated by the abuse, and your young mind made an association; a physical, neurological pathway in your brain which connects abuse and sexual stimulation. Its hard-wired.

If a child puts her hand in the fire and gets burnt, that child will always associate fire with pain. Go and try to convince her to put her hand in that fire again. She wont because the association has been made, fire=pain. In your case, abuse=orgasm.

It is possible to try to reprogram the brain (neuroplasticity means we can create new associations). Say, for example, the fire no longer causes pain and the girl can now put her had in the fire without getting burnt. If she is brave enough to try this, then her brain will eventually learn that the fire does not cause pain, but even though she does not get burnt, she will still remember the pain. She may flinch, she may experience emotions she has not felt since she was burned. Her brain still wants to make the old connection. She has to make a new connection. For example, every time she puts her hand in the fire she hears her favorite song. Now, a new pathway is being formed. She may still feel inclined to take the old pathway which is clearer as the ground is more compact (since she has traveled it many times), but eventually, she may just put her hand in the fire without thinking about the pain at all. Someday the new path will be clear and the old path over-grown.

It will take time (and an understanding partner) for you to work on creating a new association (between love and sexual pleasure). I have been working on it for a few years and I still struggle. I believe it is possible. In the meantime, I just try to remember not to be so hard on myself. Understand that it is a result of the abuse and treat yourself love and compassion. You deserve that!

Oh, and thanks for being brave and talking about it. The more we get it out there and realize that this happens to so many of us, the easier it becomes (for all of us).

I'll go a step farther. Many times in my life I have been turned on by situations that remind me of my abuse. I discovered this by mistake when I had an orgasm at the doctor's office. Being naked with a clothed woman of authority in a little room was so much like my abuse I actually orgasmed from her touch. It was humiliating, but I soon sought those situations out, usually in the alternative health scene. Massage, colon hydrotherapy, hair removal...any excuse to be naked with a woman in authority. I am reenacting my own abuse. I don't do anything unprofessional, but secretly I am very turned on. Of course I masturbate thinking about it later.

I understand. I get tirned on when a woman tells me what to do..seems like it makes me feel submissive then it's ok to orgasm. I've seen a professional dominatrix at times..but it's too much money..besides..their heart isn't in it..

Thank you to everyone who cared enough to help me thru that. I will get stronger. I will get past this!

It was brave of you to post this issue. I hope you give yourself credit for the progress it implies.

We all tend to beat ourselves up far too much and ignore the progress we make. I'll keep an eye out for your posts and be sure to remind you that you ARE recovering a bit every day.

I think you are strong, you are confronting your past ,addressing concerns that you have with it, and trying to heal from it. I think that makes you very strong.

I just joined this group but I feel so much better about myself reading your message. I have sexual dreams about my father all the time. And I still love him and appreciate his presence in my life. I decided when he passed I would keep my good dad as is and the other bad dad separate but that's probably not mentally healthy. Either way I am just so grateful to finally feel okay.