Hello SunnyS - welcome to the site. I'm really sorry to hear what happened to you when you were young. It should have never happened. Someone should have been there to offer support. I'm sure that what happened to you is affecting you on a deeper level. You were too young to process this awful events so it is more than likely you have some kind of trauma resulting from a traumatic event. There are many therapies that are extremely helpful for these types of things. Do you see a therapist? I would look into that so that you can get professional help. Repeat to yourself that it was not your fault. There is no way for someone as young as you were to EVER be gross. Many positive thoughts your way :)

In so many way, I have blamed my self for most of the abuse I've been through... but over time (must of the time) I have learned (mostly from this site) that what happened wasn't my fault. Even if you had asked or started it, they were older and never should had let you do it... but there's a very good chance you didn't start it.. they did.. and that they were both doing stuff to you, says that they were probably acting out what someone had taught them, to you...
It's not your fault.. no matter what..

I've battled with that for a number of years... my rapist was a neighbor kid and even after he raped me, I continued to invite him over to the house to hang out... I was 13, he was 11..
even though I continued to invite over to my house, he continued to hit/beat me..
I've blamed myself for years, thinking " if I hadn't asked him to come over, maybe he wouldn't had beat me up regularly..." but I've learned that wondering that, and other things does nothing but tear me down.. in my thoughts, I bet it still would of happened even if I hadn't asked him over...

Please do not blame yourself... no matter what, you're the victim/survivor!
Also one more thing, I commend you for posting on here! It takes a lot of strength to talk about our pasts... whether here in to a real live person...

Huge difference though is... we know a lot more than most therapist!! Sadly we've been through stuff, some of them are school taught!

You're really not alone!!


Notalone00

Look I think a lot of people go through this or did it's not as bad as it's made out to be. me and my cousins all loved each other we had been having sex for years and turned out fine 2 of the 3 of us got married and lived normal lives we have talked about but never felt shame. it's a matter of perspective it's how you look at or see it to be. it wasn't an adult forcing children it was children having sex learning about life. Very natural and normal we just add a lot taboo to it and call it wrong. I'm not ashamed and neither are our family's they just explained why we shouldn't mix. this has been going on for millions of years. So don't think your a bad person or anything if that were the case heaven would be empty.

I am so sorry that you experienced that. I have had similar feelings as far as guilt. It is extremely traumatic. It was definately not your fault, and it was by no means normal or okay. I assumed these ideas but i remember asking and crying for the person to stop..but i wasn't yet old enough to comprehend that it wasnt normal.

I was told the same thing when I confronted my older stepbrother as an adult.