Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
I come from a family where generational abuse has occurred and its probably related to the abuse that occurred in the Catholic church; may Dads family were all devout Catholics and my dad was even in seminary school at one time. I of course do not know about all of the abuse that has occurred, but I know that my great-grandfather was an abuser, as was my dad, my brother and my nephew. I expect that my grandfather abused my Dad, but I will probably never know the truth about that. I do know that in addition to being a teacher at the church he was a closet cross dresser, so if was not all as perfect as it looked. I know that my dad and brother were abusers, because they both abused me. My Dads abuse is hard to excuse, but I have never taken my brothers that seriously. I guess that is because it only happened once, and I assumed that I was his only victim. Years later his son abused my younger nieces.
Over the summer I was talking with my aunt and she told me that my dad abused her as a child, but that she never imagined he would be abusing us girls. Thats when the light bulb went on for me. Had my brother abused his son? Was my nephew a victim and repeating the abuse? Again, I may never know.
My nephew abused my nieces when he was about twelve and he is now turning nineteen. Because of the history of abuse in my family, this event pulled my family apart. My sisters dont feel comfortable having their daughters around his son My brother also abandoned his son over this. He left him with his mother. My nephew has attempted to commit suicide multiple times and is has more or less been made the scape goat for all this generational abuse.
Now, I dont excuse what he did, but I feel like we are just setting him up to repeat the cycle and abuse his children. So, I felt I had to have a talk with him and explain these things. Over the summer, my nephew and I took a walk and I told him about what his Grandfather had done to me; I told him about what his dad had done to me. Id hoped that he might open up to me if he had been abused himself and I did ask him if he thought that he may have been abused by his dad or his grandpa and he said told me that he didnt remember his childhood. That, to me, is not a good sign. Anyway, even if my brother did not abuse him, I thought it might help him to know that even his dad did the same thing once, and that victims often repeat what was done onto them though often they do not understand why. I hope this intercession might help him work though any issues and might perhaps end the cycle of abuse. I told my nephew that he could talk to me about it, but he doesnt.
So, there is his little sister (the victim), she is now 15. I keep wondering if my brother has abused her and I know my nephew did, so I sent her an email just to tell her that I was abused as a child also and that I am working though the issues related to that. I just wanted to let her know that she could talk to me if she felt that she wanted to talk to someone else who would understand.
Opps. Apparently, and I dont know how they managed to keep it in the dark, but my niece forgot the things that my nephew did to her when she was eight and younger. She didnt know what I was talking about; now my brother is all pissed off at me for saying anything to her. Im pissed at him; she obviously hasnt received the help she needed if she now does not even recall this. He told me not to contact his family anymore. In a way Im hurt by him saying that to me, but at the same time, I think its very suspicious. Why wouldnt a man get his daughter help in dealing with the effects of abuse? Maybe because he doesnt want his daughter to realize more about what happened? Like maybe something her Dad did?
I dont know. What bothers me the most is that my nephew abused her while she was sleeping and that is what my dad did to me.
Of course, these are just rational suspicions. I dont know if my brother has abused his children or not. They do not confess it. My brother is saying to me, you are not a therapist and thinks Ive been way out of line with his kids. I did assume she recalled the abuse and didnt mean to stir up so much. She is fifteen. He says I have caused her damage by suggesting there is a problem when there isnt one. Now my husband is saying, well, shes fifteen; you should have probably talked to your brother first. Maybe I should have. I would have if I didnt suspect that he was an abuser himself.
I dont know. What do you guys think?
Should I just have kept my mouth shut?
Over the summer I was talking with my aunt and she told me that my dad abused her as a child, but that she never imagined he would be abusing us girls. Thats when the light bulb went on for me. Had my brother abused his son? Was my nephew a victim and repeating the abuse? Again, I may never know.
My nephew abused my nieces when he was about twelve and he is now turning nineteen. Because of the history of abuse in my family, this event pulled my family apart. My sisters dont feel comfortable having their daughters around his son My brother also abandoned his son over this. He left him with his mother. My nephew has attempted to commit suicide multiple times and is has more or less been made the scape goat for all this generational abuse.
Now, I dont excuse what he did, but I feel like we are just setting him up to repeat the cycle and abuse his children. So, I felt I had to have a talk with him and explain these things. Over the summer, my nephew and I took a walk and I told him about what his Grandfather had done to me; I told him about what his dad had done to me. Id hoped that he might open up to me if he had been abused himself and I did ask him if he thought that he may have been abused by his dad or his grandpa and he said told me that he didnt remember his childhood. That, to me, is not a good sign. Anyway, even if my brother did not abuse him, I thought it might help him to know that even his dad did the same thing once, and that victims often repeat what was done onto them though often they do not understand why. I hope this intercession might help him work though any issues and might perhaps end the cycle of abuse. I told my nephew that he could talk to me about it, but he doesnt.
So, there is his little sister (the victim), she is now 15. I keep wondering if my brother has abused her and I know my nephew did, so I sent her an email just to tell her that I was abused as a child also and that I am working though the issues related to that. I just wanted to let her know that she could talk to me if she felt that she wanted to talk to someone else who would understand.
Opps. Apparently, and I dont know how they managed to keep it in the dark, but my niece forgot the things that my nephew did to her when she was eight and younger. She didnt know what I was talking about; now my brother is all pissed off at me for saying anything to her. Im pissed at him; she obviously hasnt received the help she needed if she now does not even recall this. He told me not to contact his family anymore. In a way Im hurt by him saying that to me, but at the same time, I think its very suspicious. Why wouldnt a man get his daughter help in dealing with the effects of abuse? Maybe because he doesnt want his daughter to realize more about what happened? Like maybe something her Dad did?
I dont know. What bothers me the most is that my nephew abused her while she was sleeping and that is what my dad did to me.
Of course, these are just rational suspicions. I dont know if my brother has abused his children or not. They do not confess it. My brother is saying to me, you are not a therapist and thinks Ive been way out of line with his kids. I did assume she recalled the abuse and didnt mean to stir up so much. She is fifteen. He says I have caused her damage by suggesting there is a problem when there isnt one. Now my husband is saying, well, shes fifteen; you should have probably talked to your brother first. Maybe I should have. I would have if I didnt suspect that he was an abuser himself.
I dont know. What do you guys think?
Should I just have kept my mouth shut?
Now if a father were to touch his daughter he loses all rights as a parent in my opinon. He has no right to tell you what to do in regards to her. Of course he legally has rights but when has the law protected children from abuse. I would say do what feels right to you. Only you know your family and the exact abuse that went on. If you want to reach out to her by all means do so. I wouldn't stop if I thought my brother had done that. I would make sure that she got the help she needed and so on. Of course thats me. You have to decide what is the right way to go about it.
Maybe try talking to her in person, that way you can control what is said and there wont be a paper trail for your brother to see. He didnt protect his daughter, why pretend like he cares now? Oh....so he can save his own ass. If I were 15 and my family knew about the abuse before and after and didint do anything to protect me or help me after the fact I wouldn't know how to react. From what you said she needs support. Be that support for you. Just my two cents.......
Adults can be irrational, defensive, and would prefer to hide the abuse than talk about it. That is why it is has lived on for many many years and our medical industry reaps the cost of therapy now.
How do I know? Because my family is living through this and I have been in your shoes.I have written a book documenting my life as an Incest Survivor and Ritual Abuse based upon false religious beliefs that covered the "sins" of abusers in my family. The I in Me is available at: www.authorcynthiacox.com as a free enovel.
I wrote it to help others as yourself and even myself and family. It really has not changed anything in my immediate family but sharing with other survivors and trying to come forth with truth of this abuse, is the only way to prevent future harm to children and for adults to get better treatment and therapy to help deal with issues as you speak.
Please be brave and know that your best interests to help can hurt and be perceived wrong no matter who you talk to. We all have our own opinions but you know your family better than anyone. I wish someone would have stepped in upon my own behalf and pursued protecting me as a child and my siblings but they didn't.
May you go with strength, bravery, and courage in what ever decision you choose but please be forewarned that parents have rights even if they are abusing their children and the law and justice is not always in the best of the interest of the children who are being harmed. This is a sad cold truth of reality that is a hard dose to consume in our current day society but it is a fact. I see it daily and have my entire life. My thoughts are with you.
I wish I could just have a heart to heart with my niece in person. But the problem is, she lives 3000 miles away, so it is simply not possible. My sisters dont communicate with my brothers children, and they are really quite isolated. I dont know, but Im apparently the bad guy now, my sister in law is pissed at me and says me and my sisters are all crazy, she doesnt even believe my dad abused us, I have major problems and as for as she is concerned I am no longer related to her Actually, the backlash was so intense it was sort of alarming too.
I guess that my brother has never shared these parts of his life with his wife and with her attitude, I can see why he might have a hard time doing so. I feel sympathy for him really, but I am afraid that he abused his kids.
My gut? I visited this summer and I looked my brother in the eye. I frankly discussed things that were very difficult to speak of; him abusing me as a child He said he didnt remember doing it. I told him I was concerned that our dad may have abused his son, and he had a long list of well thought out reasons why my nephews issues have nothing to do with sexual abuse. To be quite honest, I sensed that he was nervous when I started talking about him abusing me, and as he went into his explanation about son, I was really disappointed. I felt like I was listening to my own Dad, my own, very manipulative dad, who always knew what to say to people.
I left there sick to my stomach. Id hoped my visit would have left me feeling like everything was alright, but I didnt feel that way. Id spoke to my nephew, who was eighteen, and he could not assure me that his dad didnt abuse him. He said, Id like to, but to tell you the truth, I really dont remember my childhood. That does not sit well with me. Though I hate to believe it, I really do suspect that my brother has abused his children and that is way I tried to make a connection with his daughter.
The cats out of the bag now. There is chaos in his home. I feel bad about that, but I didnt cause the problem, I just talked about it. Maybe when his daughter wakes up in the night at age thirty one in a panic, like I have because I was abused while I slept, she will at least have some idea where it is coming from and not be totally in the dark as I was or better yet, she can work though it before it ever gets to that point and be past this stage long before then.
Its so difficult to be part of a family so affected by incest. Thanks to you all for being supportive here.
I am a victim of Generational abuse and incest to along with many of the members of my family. My family also has Generational domestic violence abuse and a history of alcoholism. I have a very dysfunctional family unfortunately but I still hve some healthy relationships within my family.
Silence is what allows the abuse to continue. I think you did the right thing by saying something.Something you have to understand is that abuse is a very shameful dark secret. Exposing it for what it is doesn't make you wrong it just makes abusers feel guilty and angry with you for exposing them.