So, Im a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. My first abuser was my dad (as far as I remember anyway)! There is no telling how young I was when that started. He engaged in many forms of play (pinning us down and tickling us; slobbering and blowing on our bellies; any excuse to put is mouth or hands on us. I have two older sisters and an older brother. My sisters recall him abusing them also. He was subtle and made us think this was normal play, so we were not able to explain that the touching was wrong; he liked to make us struggle and try to escape. I am 31 and the memories are just now coming back to me. He touched me when I was sleeping; I recall waking up to it and fighting him off. He would grope my undeveloped breasts, and to this day I sleep with my arms crossed over my chest; protecting myself. I just didnt realize what I was doing or why I was doing it. I have many well developed sexual inhibitions and idiosyncrasies like this. There is no telling how many times my sleeping body was violated.

When I was seven years old there was one instance of abuse from my brother who was eighteen; he disguised it as play the way that my dad did; only I felt his erection, and I knew that it was wrong. At seven, I was molested by my sisters boyfriend. He had me masturbate him to orgasm. That began occurring regularly and continued until I was ten. Five of my friends were also molested by this man. I felt awful for not stopping it and I didnt tell anyone because I thought I was doing something wrong and was ashamed. There were other people who used me as a young child, a neighbor, a neighborhood kid; I lost my virginity at 14 to a 24 year old while I was drunk on whiskey. I was a promiscuous teen.

I recently read an article about learned helplessness. This is a very helpful article: (sorry not allowed to post URL - search learned helplesness/Grantley Morris). Its true; I fought my dad and it was no use, my spirit was broken, so I never even tried to fight the abuse that would follow even when it came from others.

So, mom left home when I was eight. She had developed schizophrenia and when she left she ran far from my dad and abandoned us kids; there were a few time when we communicated through the years, but this was very limited. To this day I do not know where she lives. My dad dominated and raped her in front of us children. He apparently raped other women also; as I said he enjoyed watching his victims struggle. She had been married to him for twenty years before she broke down. The fights they had before she left were awful. By the time my mom left, my brother had already moved from the home and my dad was left with three girls: eight, thirteen, and sixteen. I was the youngest.

Amazingly the abuse stopped (for the most part; he still gawked at me and stuff). We moved and started a new life. He was out making other women and children victims, but we did not know. My siblings and I never talked about what dad did and I started to remember it only as tickling and kissing; I forgot what he did when I slept. He comforted us regarding our moms illness My sisters were older and each moved away from the home at eighteen. I was his baby We lived together alone from the time I was thirteen to eighteen. He died in a car wreck when I was eighteen. Like I said; I am just now realizing that he was a rapist and a pedophile; there were many victims; he was a sex addict.

There are many things for me to deal with now I know. The intense anger Ive carried all these years and never released, the pain of losing my mother and the abandonment issues that still affect me. My sexual inhibitions which are so extreme; examining those scars are what forced me to realize my dad abused me. Now that I do have memory recall intimately is even worse; my marriage is affected. I cant seem to have a normal sexual experience. There are all the things I did; forgiving myself for those things; feeling loved despite the fact that Im the offspring of a pedophile and a schizophrenic. My dad gave me a huge complex while trying to cover his tracks; I always questioned my thoughts, feelings and memories because I could be crazy like mom. He compared me to her a lot. I also try to care for a teenage step daughter and I find it difficult to know how to care for her; my dad mostly neglected me as a teen; I dont have a very good example to follow.

I need to deal with each of these things and as time goes on I think I will address them each separately; perhaps by addressing each issue separately here, finding people who have been though similar things and sharing thoughts, ideas and feelings.

I am finding that I have a greater issue here though and this is what I need to get off my chest. I have moments of pure rage and loathing, but its not how much I hate him that bothers me; its how much I love him! He was my only parent and as ill minded as he was, hurt people, hurt people. Im certain he was once a victim himself and that he endured worse pain than I endured. He was actually showing me his pain. I pick things up from other people I can read into others very well. I am clearly empathizing with him. Also, my dad, was not always a bad guy; he loved me in his own way. When I was a teenager; he couldnt stand to watch me cry; he would have done anything to stop me from spilling tears The same man who abused me was my primary source of love. My mother abandoned me; he was all I had!

It must have been hard for him to see me grow; to watch all the pain I endured; I remember one time he tried to tell me sex was supposed to be about love. That was all he managed to get out and then he just gave up. How could he possibly explain such a thing to me! After all, he knew what I had endured.

So, Im married, but intimacy has always been an issue. Im still sexual and want sex, but my fantasies revolve around rape and violent sex. Yep, the idea of being raped turns me on and Im a sexual masochist too! My husband is sweet and he will not hurt me, so I went to this virtual world called Second Life and started acting out my sexual fantasies. Id role-play there while inflicting real pain on myself and masturbating in real life. This is the only way I have found I have been able to enjoy my sexuality. Oh course that comes with a huge amount of guilt. Also, endorphin, fed through both physical and emotional pain/excitement is like a drug; and my master in Second Life sought to control me by getting me addicted to that drug. Guess what? It works. As role play on Second Life has stirred up deep emotional pain; Ive used this sexual high as a way of coping with it; great huh?

Well, I struggled with that, felt very badly and finally withdrew. That is when I finally had to face what my dad did to me. I went to Second Life and I acted out a role; the victims role; my mothers role. Its actually a way I managed to sympathize with her a put together what happened. However, something else happened there too. I was a victimized child, repressing the memories, and acting it out subconsciously as an adult which led me to develop a sexual addiction. Yep, I sympathize with daddy too!

Im not giving into to my desire to return to Second Life as I know it would be self destructive for me to do so and I want to heal. But, you know what? When I want sex; I want to feel some physical pain; I crave it and want to feed it; I dig my nails into my skin or pull my hair; the beast inside my skin has tasted this pleasure and I cant seem to stop the craving. I like violent sex; Im genetically hard-wired to like violent sex. Its family trait; both in my mother and father!

When my dad abused me, he showed me his pain and in some sick twisted way; that is love to me. He created a sympathizer and that is a bond of love. I know that sounds crazy, but its true. When my Master in Second Life caused me emotional pain; if caused me to feel more loved and more needy for that love. Its hard to explain. I want him to hurt me because I crave love so badly. Hurting me is like loving me because Ive always been hurt the most by those who I love the most. Im subconsciously looking for a partner like my dad.

It would be awful to have a partner like my dad! But, I still seem hell bent on doing so and cant seem to stop the impulse from repeatedly calling to me. Have the violent sex you want, let me hurt you, I love you Yah.

If you have walked this path and found a way out please contact me; Id like to hear about it.

Thank you.