ED has been an on going problem in my marriage from the get go. It started a few weeks before our wedding and has been swept under the rug for too long. I tried explaining to my husband that performance wasn't the deal sealer for me -- that it was the closeness and intamacy that I really craved. Being such a sensitive subject, I was always careful on how I approached it, always tried to take the spin that it would be something we could work on together and that it could bring us closer if we tried. I tried buying toys for us to use - but they sat unused in a drawer. I bought and encouraged porn for us to watch together, but again the DVDs turned into dust collectors. I would doll myself up and flirt and use every seductive trick in the book, but he was too tired, had too much going on at work, wasn't in the mood...etc.

A woman can only be rejected so many times before HIS problem becomes HER problem.

I begged him to understand how painful it was to be brushed aside and have a back turned to my needs. I tried to warn him that each time he pushed me away, it was yet another brick in the fortress that was beginning to imprision me. Not knowing where else to turn, I turned to food. Surely if I gave him a reason to find me undesireable, I could put these demons to rest. I gained 60 lbs and felt more miserable than ever. My esteem hit an all time low, I couldn't bear to look at myself in a mirror. I was unrecognisble both inside and out. Luckily, I copped on to myself and lost the 60 lbs, realizing it had nothing to do with the way I looked. That it didn't matter what I said or did or how I looked, this problem in my marriage could not be fixed by ME alone.

Upon losing the weight and regaining a bit of self respect, I started gaining the attention of men again and it felt wonderful - yet wrong. The eyes I was attracting wasn't the ones I longed for and in truth, I didn't trust myself in certain company because I so desperately missed feeling desired and attractive. There was a point that I seriously considering leaving my husband. Instead, I stayed.

He's such a good man, he puts the needs of his caring for his family very high on his priority list. He's a briliant father and can be wonderfully considerate and kind. But over the years he's become a complete stranger to me in the bedroom. And I've had to completely give up on the idea that we'll ever be able to address this problem, not alone fix it.

Years ago he agreed to go to a sex therapist with me. And within the first 3 weeks, it was painfully obvious that it wasn't going to be our answer. The therapist suggested making time for each other - put it in the diary as a 'priority' on the "to do" list....but he couldn't commit to the programme, called the doc a quack and never truly gave it a try.

I pleaded with him to give up smoking and drinking his few beers at night, knowing that they can have negative effects on ED. It took awhile, but he's a non-smoker and has gone to drinking non-alcoholic beer. I begged him to talk with our GP, it was one of those "I can't take it any more and if you don't do something about it, then I will!" kind of pleadings, which did result in him going in for blood work, all of which came back normal. Another sex therapist specializing in sexual dysfunction was suggested for him....not us, just him...which I thought was bizarre. Sure, he's the one who can't get or hold an erection but that doesn't make it any less of MY problem!!!

We've had heart to hearts and I came out and had to ask if he had ever been abused or if he was attracted to men....I just couldn't make any sense of it and needed to know where the root of this probem stemmed from. He said the only abuse he received was from an ex-girlfriend when he was in his 30s, who threw him out of her house after losing an erection. And as far as being homosexual, he assures me he's not and quite honestly, he doesn't fit the stereotype - which means nothing, I know...but I do believe him.

I've looked at this from every possible angle, trying to understand it. I even chalked fear up to being the culpret. Being hightly fertile - I think? - I stupidly thought a vasectomy might take the anxiety and pressure off of him and we could readdress this after he got the snip. I say "I think" because we didn't consumate our marriage until 10 days after we said our vows and that resulted in my son. Then, after going close to a year without sex - we had a 'date' (which was the first in 4 years) which resulted in my daughter. Understandably, fertility issues were a concern to him as he is unable to wear a condom due to the ED and due to my own hormone issues, I cannot take the pill. We got the 'all clear' from the Urologist last week and apparently it has relieved some of the pressure for him because when he came to bed this evening (we NEVER go to bed at the same time and I know that boils down to him avoiding me) for the first time in...oh my God...3 years??? He touched me. He kissed the back of my neck and continued to work his way down my back.

Now, surely you're reading this and thinkking "you go girl!" -- but don't. I blew it. I was taken so completely off guard that I started to feel all panic-y and my entire body went as stiff as a board as the tears became lodged in my throat. It may as well been the neighbour 5 doors down who crawled into my bed and touched me because it would have been just as familiar as the touch of my own husband.

So yeah...it's become painfully evident that HIS problem is indeed MY problem now too...and I don't know what in the hell to do!

I've gone from hurt and confused to disappointed - angry and frustrated to just down right sad. I feel as if I have had a part of myself die inside. I've always had an OTT (over the top) sex drive, I would've thought I would be able to JUMP at the first opportunity he gave me - only - the polar opposite happened and I'm completely devistated.

I couldn't go through with it - and it was because physically...I just could not relax, not alone enjoy. Every muscle in my body was contracted, my heartbeat thumped in my ears and I felt as if i were going to be sick. Mentally, I wanted to SO badly -- I have longed for the day when he wanted me again....and then I'm stricken with this?! How freaking unfair as that?! I don't know what a panic attack feels like, but if I had to guess - I'd probably describe it as what I experienced tonight..

He said he understood, he kissed my forehead and dried my tears. I tried SO hard not to cry, knowing how crappy that must have made him feel and I was able to get myself back under control quickly enough that I was able enjoy the feeling of having his arms around me for a few minutes before his back appeared once more...and this time I found comfort knowing he wouldn't cross the invisable electric fense in our bed...