Impotence & Erectile Dysfunction Support Group
Erectile dysfunction or impotence is a sexual dysfunction characterized by the inability to develop or maintain an erection of the penis for satisfactory sexual intercourse regardless of the capability of ejaculation. There are various underlying causes, such as diabetes, many of which are medically reversible. The causes may be physiological or psychological.
ED has been an on going problem in my marriage from the get go. It started a few weeks before our wedding and has been swept under the rug for too long. I tried explaining to my husband that performance wasn't the deal sealer for me -- that it was the closeness and intamacy that I really craved. Being such a sensitive subject, I was always careful on how I approached it, always tried to take the spin that it would be something we could work on together and that it could bring us closer if we tried. I tried buying toys for us to use - but they sat unused in a drawer. I bought and encouraged porn for us to watch together, but again the DVDs turned into dust collectors. I would doll myself up and flirt and use every seductive trick in the book, but he was too tired, had too much going on at work, wasn't in the mood...etc.
A woman can only be rejected so many times before HIS problem becomes HER problem.
I begged him to understand how painful it was to be brushed aside and have a back turned to my needs. I tried to warn him that each time he pushed me away, it was yet another brick in the fortress that was beginning to imprision me. Not knowing where else to turn, I turned to food. Surely if I gave him a reason to find me undesireable, I could put these demons to rest. I gained 60 lbs and felt more miserable than ever. My esteem hit an all time low, I couldn't bear to look at myself in a mirror. I was unrecognisble both inside and out. Luckily, I copped on to myself and lost the 60 lbs, realizing it had nothing to do with the way I looked. That it didn't matter what I said or did or how I looked, this problem in my marriage could not be fixed by ME alone.
Upon losing the weight and regaining a bit of self respect, I started gaining the attention of men again and it felt wonderful - yet wrong. The eyes I was attracting wasn't the ones I longed for and in truth, I didn't trust myself in certain company because I so desperately missed feeling desired and attractive. There was a point that I seriously considering leaving my husband. Instead, I stayed.
He's such a good man, he puts the needs of his caring for his family very high on his priority list. He's a briliant father and can be wonderfully considerate and kind. But over the years he's become a complete stranger to me in the bedroom. And I've had to completely give up on the idea that we'll ever be able to address this problem, not alone fix it.
Years ago he agreed to go to a sex therapist with me. And within the first 3 weeks, it was painfully obvious that it wasn't going to be our answer. The therapist suggested making time for each other - put it in the diary as a 'priority' on the "to do" list....but he couldn't commit to the programme, called the doc a quack and never truly gave it a try.
I pleaded with him to give up smoking and drinking his few beers at night, knowing that they can have negative effects on ED. It took awhile, but he's a non-smoker and has gone to drinking non-alcoholic beer. I begged him to talk with our GP, it was one of those "I can't take it any more and if you don't do something about it, then I will!" kind of pleadings, which did result in him going in for blood work, all of which came back normal. Another sex therapist specializing in sexual dysfunction was suggested for him....not us, just him...which I thought was bizarre. Sure, he's the one who can't get or hold an erection but that doesn't make it any less of MY problem!!!
We've had heart to hearts and I came out and had to ask if he had ever been abused or if he was attracted to men....I just couldn't make any sense of it and needed to know where the root of this probem stemmed from. He said the only abuse he received was from an ex-girlfriend when he was in his 30s, who threw him out of her house after losing an erection. And as far as being homosexual, he assures me he's not and quite honestly, he doesn't fit the stereotype - which means nothing, I know...but I do believe him.
I've looked at this from every possible angle, trying to understand it. I even chalked fear up to being the culpret. Being hightly fertile - I think? - I stupidly thought a vasectomy might take the anxiety and pressure off of him and we could readdress this after he got the snip. I say "I think" because we didn't consumate our marriage until 10 days after we said our vows and that resulted in my son. Then, after going close to a year without sex - we had a 'date' (which was the first in 4 years) which resulted in my daughter. Understandably, fertility issues were a concern to him as he is unable to wear a condom due to the ED and due to my own hormone issues, I cannot take the pill. We got the 'all clear' from the Urologist last week and apparently it has relieved some of the pressure for him because when he came to bed this evening (we NEVER go to bed at the same time and I know that boils down to him avoiding me) for the first time in...oh my God...3 years??? He touched me. He kissed the back of my neck and continued to work his way down my back.
Now, surely you're reading this and thinkking "you go girl!" -- but don't. I blew it. I was taken so completely off guard that I started to feel all panic-y and my entire body went as stiff as a board as the tears became lodged in my throat. It may as well been the neighbour 5 doors down who crawled into my bed and touched me because it would have been just as familiar as the touch of my own husband.
So yeah...it's become painfully evident that HIS problem is indeed MY problem now too...and I don't know what in the hell to do!
I've gone from hurt and confused to disappointed - angry and frustrated to just down right sad. I feel as if I have had a part of myself die inside. I've always had an OTT (over the top) sex drive, I would've thought I would be able to JUMP at the first opportunity he gave me - only - the polar opposite happened and I'm completely devistated.
I couldn't go through with it - and it was because physically...I just could not relax, not alone enjoy. Every muscle in my body was contracted, my heartbeat thumped in my ears and I felt as if i were going to be sick. Mentally, I wanted to SO badly -- I have longed for the day when he wanted me again....and then I'm stricken with this?! How freaking unfair as that?! I don't know what a panic attack feels like, but if I had to guess - I'd probably describe it as what I experienced tonight..
He said he understood, he kissed my forehead and dried my tears. I tried SO hard not to cry, knowing how crappy that must have made him feel and I was able to get myself back under control quickly enough that I was able enjoy the feeling of having his arms around me for a few minutes before his back appeared once more...and this time I found comfort knowing he wouldn't cross the invisable electric fense in our bed...
A woman can only be rejected so many times before HIS problem becomes HER problem.
I begged him to understand how painful it was to be brushed aside and have a back turned to my needs. I tried to warn him that each time he pushed me away, it was yet another brick in the fortress that was beginning to imprision me. Not knowing where else to turn, I turned to food. Surely if I gave him a reason to find me undesireable, I could put these demons to rest. I gained 60 lbs and felt more miserable than ever. My esteem hit an all time low, I couldn't bear to look at myself in a mirror. I was unrecognisble both inside and out. Luckily, I copped on to myself and lost the 60 lbs, realizing it had nothing to do with the way I looked. That it didn't matter what I said or did or how I looked, this problem in my marriage could not be fixed by ME alone.
Upon losing the weight and regaining a bit of self respect, I started gaining the attention of men again and it felt wonderful - yet wrong. The eyes I was attracting wasn't the ones I longed for and in truth, I didn't trust myself in certain company because I so desperately missed feeling desired and attractive. There was a point that I seriously considering leaving my husband. Instead, I stayed.
He's such a good man, he puts the needs of his caring for his family very high on his priority list. He's a briliant father and can be wonderfully considerate and kind. But over the years he's become a complete stranger to me in the bedroom. And I've had to completely give up on the idea that we'll ever be able to address this problem, not alone fix it.
Years ago he agreed to go to a sex therapist with me. And within the first 3 weeks, it was painfully obvious that it wasn't going to be our answer. The therapist suggested making time for each other - put it in the diary as a 'priority' on the "to do" list....but he couldn't commit to the programme, called the doc a quack and never truly gave it a try.
I pleaded with him to give up smoking and drinking his few beers at night, knowing that they can have negative effects on ED. It took awhile, but he's a non-smoker and has gone to drinking non-alcoholic beer. I begged him to talk with our GP, it was one of those "I can't take it any more and if you don't do something about it, then I will!" kind of pleadings, which did result in him going in for blood work, all of which came back normal. Another sex therapist specializing in sexual dysfunction was suggested for him....not us, just him...which I thought was bizarre. Sure, he's the one who can't get or hold an erection but that doesn't make it any less of MY problem!!!
We've had heart to hearts and I came out and had to ask if he had ever been abused or if he was attracted to men....I just couldn't make any sense of it and needed to know where the root of this probem stemmed from. He said the only abuse he received was from an ex-girlfriend when he was in his 30s, who threw him out of her house after losing an erection. And as far as being homosexual, he assures me he's not and quite honestly, he doesn't fit the stereotype - which means nothing, I know...but I do believe him.
I've looked at this from every possible angle, trying to understand it. I even chalked fear up to being the culpret. Being hightly fertile - I think? - I stupidly thought a vasectomy might take the anxiety and pressure off of him and we could readdress this after he got the snip. I say "I think" because we didn't consumate our marriage until 10 days after we said our vows and that resulted in my son. Then, after going close to a year without sex - we had a 'date' (which was the first in 4 years) which resulted in my daughter. Understandably, fertility issues were a concern to him as he is unable to wear a condom due to the ED and due to my own hormone issues, I cannot take the pill. We got the 'all clear' from the Urologist last week and apparently it has relieved some of the pressure for him because when he came to bed this evening (we NEVER go to bed at the same time and I know that boils down to him avoiding me) for the first time in...oh my God...3 years??? He touched me. He kissed the back of my neck and continued to work his way down my back.
Now, surely you're reading this and thinkking "you go girl!" -- but don't. I blew it. I was taken so completely off guard that I started to feel all panic-y and my entire body went as stiff as a board as the tears became lodged in my throat. It may as well been the neighbour 5 doors down who crawled into my bed and touched me because it would have been just as familiar as the touch of my own husband.
So yeah...it's become painfully evident that HIS problem is indeed MY problem now too...and I don't know what in the hell to do!
I've gone from hurt and confused to disappointed - angry and frustrated to just down right sad. I feel as if I have had a part of myself die inside. I've always had an OTT (over the top) sex drive, I would've thought I would be able to JUMP at the first opportunity he gave me - only - the polar opposite happened and I'm completely devistated.
I couldn't go through with it - and it was because physically...I just could not relax, not alone enjoy. Every muscle in my body was contracted, my heartbeat thumped in my ears and I felt as if i were going to be sick. Mentally, I wanted to SO badly -- I have longed for the day when he wanted me again....and then I'm stricken with this?! How freaking unfair as that?! I don't know what a panic attack feels like, but if I had to guess - I'd probably describe it as what I experienced tonight..
He said he understood, he kissed my forehead and dried my tears. I tried SO hard not to cry, knowing how crappy that must have made him feel and I was able to get myself back under control quickly enough that I was able enjoy the feeling of having his arms around me for a few minutes before his back appeared once more...and this time I found comfort knowing he wouldn't cross the invisable electric fense in our bed...
And another thing...i have noticed for some time now that i take my aggression out on shoping...smh
A little more understanding for a man who has ED is what is needed. Men who cannot perform don't act right. This is all they have. This is their manly hood, and it doesn't work. We as men feel like a loner once we have hit that point. All you both need is understanding. Once you understand that its not you, and that it is a medical problem you visit your doctor about the issue. Be sure to comfort him and make him feel as it is not his problem. This will relieve any stress he might have about the issue.
There are medications, shots, and even pumps that can help him regain an erection. I was in the same boat a few years back and can only imagine what my wife was going through. I tried the pills and everything, nothing worked. Finally I tried a pump from a company by Pos-T-Vac. If you want to message me about it you can. If you have any other questions you can message me too. Just remember to be understanding and caring for him and his problems.
I could seriously be awarded a metal for the amount of support I have given to my husband over the years. It's not physical problem, apparently "it's all in his head" according to the doctor - which, in my opinion has only compounded the problem ever more! He has a heart condition called "wolff parkenson white" syndrome, which prevents him from taking anything like viagra for the problem. And unfortunately, he has no desire to use a pump. He has no desire - period. And that's the problem. A result of this lack of desire is ED. It would be one thing if he were mad to get the problem fixed and he was trying or wanted to touch me or be close with me - but he's not. He simply has no desire to be intimate....so perhaps my situation is unique? The more I read about ED the more it is becoming apparent that the men who do decide to take the medication/pump route still have the desire to have sex but just cannot get the equipment to work. That's not my husband. He's made it up in his mind that there's nothing he can do about it, so what's the point of even trying. And it's that part that hurts. Not feeling important enough to want to keep trying. I have always been very careful about this subject with my husband because I can imagine it would be difficult for a man to lose his manhood. However, I'm starting to feel extremely bitter because my womanhood is being robbed from me.
As a man with ED, I appreciate the sensitivity to your husband's ego. At some point, however, it seems to me that you will be better off letting him know exactly how you feel. Your feelings are real, and they're not going to go away unless something is done.
I'm not saying you should be "mean" to him. I do believe there's a limit to how long it makes sense for you to hide your true feelings. If you communicate your needs and feelings to him appropriately and he chooses not to respond in a way that shows he cares about your needs and feelings, that's not your fault. And I don't think you "have to" stay in a relationship to prove anything.
Just my thoughts.
Although I'm not all that new to this wonderful DS site, I am new to this group. I was looking for a support group on how to deal with a totally Sexless Marriage, however after reading your post and many other's in this group, I realized that sadly we're all in the same boat.
I feel your pain because I've lived it every single day for the last 14 years, You are totally dead on when you say that his problem is absolutely your problem as well.
I met my 2nd. husband when I was 36 years old. That was 21 years ago. He is 9 years older than I am. I grew up in the 60's and 70's and never had one single hangup about sex, Rolled around in the mud at Woodstock and did the entire free love era. Looking back on those days, it was marvelous! I married briefly when I was 21 and divorced by the time I was 22. Cops don't always make the best husbands. I remained single from 22-36 and OMG- what a wonderful life I had. I don't know what the hell possessed me to ever get married again, but we did 7 years after meeting one another and living together for 5. Our sexual relationship was adequate. My husband was brought up in the West Indies and is very religious. I'm a middle class Jewish girl who got arrested for demonstrating against the Viet Nam war, so we are quite different in many ways. We used to compliment one another, but now we've just grown totally apart, living as roommates. The last time we had anything that resembled sex was in 1996- one year before we got married. Clearly that was something I never should have done, but I thought things would improve. No, I'm not kidding either! No touching, kissing, or anything. He is now gong to be 67 years old and takes meds for diabetes, high blood pressure, heart, etc. There was time when I believed that he was asexual and possibly also suffered from ED because of all the meds he had to take. It is likely that he hasn't had an erection for all of the 14 years we have not had any relations. And when I mentioned to him more times than I can recall, that a man can please a woman without having an erection he advised me that he doesn't do those type of things!
Yes, he tried Viagra a few times. It didn't work. Yes, we've had many talks and even more fights about this horrible situation. Nothing has changed all this time. After nearly 4 years of living totally sexless, I decided to have an affair. It lasted almost 5 years and probably saved my sanity and kept me out of jail for homicide. I had to end it because he became too demanding and clingy. All the while I am quite sure my husband knew about it. Bascially because I asked his permission ahead of time. Totally absurd, but he told me that if he couldn't take care of my needs, then I should find someone who could. All the while assuring me that he loved me. What's even more twisted is that I've never stopped loving him, but the rejection that I've endured has changed the person I am and I'll never get the old person back.
So now at the age of 57, soon to be 58.....here I am. I seriously doubt if my husband and I will ever have relations and that's really not ok with me, but I have very few options. For financial reasons I can't simply pick up and leave.
I'm sorry if I've dragged on so long, but I just wanted you Ticktoc and really everyone in this group to understand and know that someone else out there feels your pain and totally understands what you're dealing with. It's so easy for your partner to say to you...."it's not you," but what we feel in our hearts is totally separate from what our minds tell us. It's a struggle indeed and one I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Stay strong everyone and thanks for listening.
I don't know what else to say except to conclude that as a man, it does make one feel very inadequate. She wants and needs to be desired and I am failing in this one thing. I hear my friends some time, complaining of not 'getting any' and just think, "oh, if you only knew the other side."
About six or ago pills which had wouked 100% of the time after age 65, quit being dependible. However, I still want to be sexual. At 75 my libido still exists, although of course not as strongly as it did when I was a teenager. And, when stimulated, I do orgasm and ejaculate.
Being in open or poly relationships has given me the opportunity to be more active with more different women than most men my age.
I think women should know, speaking only for my self, I am much more incluned to want to be sexual with some women than with others.. I say that only because manh women seem to feel that it is the 100% the fault of the male when he does not want to have sex. I am probably only interested in a sexual relationship with no more than 10% of available women I meet who are within ten or fifteen years of my age.
I have no sexual feelings at alll toward 80 to 90 % of all women I see.
I still have have sexual relationships with women of my own age.. Until medical reasons made it unwise for her to take part in sexual activity, I was in a five year long sexual relationship with a women older than me.
My point is that even though some men say...and women want to believe...that "It has nothing to do with the partner" reality is that sexual stimulation for at least this man really does have something to do with the total attractiveness, physical, mental, and spiritual, of the partner.
Men also have feelings. Having ED is a very difficult subject to talk about with a new potential partner. As the chances of ED not effecting my performance increased, I have felt it more and more essential to disclose itt to a partner before we even begin to be romantic. I am capable and enjoy helping a woman achieve orgasm, so i have only had one instance in which the woman was a willing partner for more activity.
I consider myself to have more self esteem than most males, even so, it is very difficult to bring up my ED. I have wondered if other men also have pretty much that because they have lost sexual interest in a long time partner, and because they cannot concieve of being able to tell any female of thier dysfunction, they simply give up on the idea of ever having a happy sexual union ever again.
I wonder how many women have tried to get a ED hubby interested in some simple foreplay rather than intercourse. Women probably would not mention it publicly, but how many have actually tried asking hubby, Hey, I'm horney tonight, would you like me to to do oral on you to make you cum? I believe may men can still fexperience orgasm, even if they are not erect. Explain to your man that you would and could enjoy that feeling too, and "'now its your turn." You may need to actually teach him.
I would love to see some comments from women who have actually tried that.
Am there - doing that - every time - for the last year - am exhausted
What do you want to know?
Sorry I took up your time.