Highly Sensitive People HSP Community Group
The highly sensitive person (or HSP) is someone who cares deeply about everything ... feels emotions with great intensity ... is highly conscientious ... has a rich and complex inner life ... is very intuitive ... is often creative in a variety of ways... is easily overwhelmed and/or overstimulated. A HSP needs lots of quiet time,space, and freedom. If this sounds...
Lately, I have been feeling rejected by my ex-best friend. Rather than just letting myself feel the difficult painful feelings, I intellectualize by thinking about all the reasons why she stopped talking to me.
These are reasons I have come up with:
1-She got bored with me and has met a new friend who is more outgoing and entertaining ( I met this new friend and see pictures of her on facebook).
2-I became too serious during our friendship and began analyzing things and complained too much (she told me that I analyze and that I always complain)
3-She got tired of my fiance and I being late when she invited us to dinner.
4-Her husband passed away and I knew him back when he was alive and for this reason, she wants nothing more to do with me to remind herself of that time.
But, here's the thing: I know I did not always complain. There were often times where I listened to her complain and empathized with her. In turn, there was only so much of my complaining she could take. For example, once I told her that I did not want my dad to give me a ride to work because of the fact that I had a difficult time getting along with him. After I said this, she started yelling at me. I think its because her dad was not available for her when she wanted him to be.
I admit in some ways I am a serious person. I philosophize, I analyze, I intellectualize. But, at the same time, I can be funny, goofy, silly and I love to have fun just like anyone else. I am a social worker and a psychologist and an introvert so of course I analyze people by nature and I enjoy talking about feelings. But I think this became annoying to her.
Okay, I can understand the being late thing. I admit this was something I probably should have worked harder at avoiding. I don't like to blame others, but my fiance was often the reason for being late. He does not like to follow a schedule, but prefers to do things on his own time and often get precocuppied while shopping for ingredients (he was often the cook at dinner). But when meeting her alone, most of the time I was on time. The funny thing is when I asked her once if it bothered her she said no and that the only thing that bothered her was that we could not spend more time together.
And finally, with the last thing, there is nothing I can do about that. Ultimately, I admit I have no control over how she sees me or how anyone sees me. I know that friends grow apart and that this happens to many people, but it still hurts.
These are reasons I have come up with:
1-She got bored with me and has met a new friend who is more outgoing and entertaining ( I met this new friend and see pictures of her on facebook).
2-I became too serious during our friendship and began analyzing things and complained too much (she told me that I analyze and that I always complain)
3-She got tired of my fiance and I being late when she invited us to dinner.
4-Her husband passed away and I knew him back when he was alive and for this reason, she wants nothing more to do with me to remind herself of that time.
But, here's the thing: I know I did not always complain. There were often times where I listened to her complain and empathized with her. In turn, there was only so much of my complaining she could take. For example, once I told her that I did not want my dad to give me a ride to work because of the fact that I had a difficult time getting along with him. After I said this, she started yelling at me. I think its because her dad was not available for her when she wanted him to be.
I admit in some ways I am a serious person. I philosophize, I analyze, I intellectualize. But, at the same time, I can be funny, goofy, silly and I love to have fun just like anyone else. I am a social worker and a psychologist and an introvert so of course I analyze people by nature and I enjoy talking about feelings. But I think this became annoying to her.
Okay, I can understand the being late thing. I admit this was something I probably should have worked harder at avoiding. I don't like to blame others, but my fiance was often the reason for being late. He does not like to follow a schedule, but prefers to do things on his own time and often get precocuppied while shopping for ingredients (he was often the cook at dinner). But when meeting her alone, most of the time I was on time. The funny thing is when I asked her once if it bothered her she said no and that the only thing that bothered her was that we could not spend more time together.
And finally, with the last thing, there is nothing I can do about that. Ultimately, I admit I have no control over how she sees me or how anyone sees me. I know that friends grow apart and that this happens to many people, but it still hurts.
Most of the time when I find extreme feeling coming up about anything but certainly about relationship(s) I go out of my way to deal with the feelings and NOT continue making up stories based on the extreme feeling.I have learned that I can experience intense feelings but that what is really happening is not that extreme and not the direct cause for my extreme emotion which then plays out in making up stories to refuel and perpetuate. What is the cause comes from the past and for this it is not usually rational but totally irrational.
Main point is that my head has the potential to make mountains out of mole hill. not always but I have learned no matter what space and time are necessary. Also being able to be clear on what is interpreted as a threat (fear)to small helpless needy blah blah baby self.
Your words are comforting!
This sounds so similar to my life. I have a friend (or should say I had a friend), we had been friends since the 6th grade. Whenever she had something in her life troubling her, I was always there to hear her sorrows but I never complained about it; but when I wanted to talk about something she would give an excuse as to why she was hurt from my statements or that I said something to hurt her feelings. In 2005, I had a phone conversation with my friend and read a letter from her. In her letter I read the part where she said that I said something to hurt her feelings, I wrote her two letters after that and apologized to her, but I don't remember what I suppose said that would hurt her feelings. Although I had said sorry to her, she never acknowledged my letters or my apologies. I sent a letter to her old address and did not receive a reply from her then I sent her letter to her new address and my letter was sent back to me, with a yellow sticker on it, saying to me not to ever write her to her again. In the phone conversation, I told her how sad I was that my cat died (I had since 1993 and she died in 2005). I said to her that she was lucky that she has a car to take her dog to the vet (the vet near her home). I felt so bad about my cat's death because I thought I did not take good care of her. After the phone conversation, she was not the same friend.
When her father died in 1993, I was very sad for her because I knew her dad, I thought he was a nice person. She wrote me a letter telling me how he died and so forth but I never turned my back against her. She also told me other personal things that is really painful for her but I never judged her instead I was supportive to her. A year ago, I tried to get back in touch with her but don't know where she is. I tried to find information about where she is living, I think I found it. She is living in California, but she don't want to communicate with me. I just hate being rejected by people without knowing why they rejected me and there were a few other things that happened in my life that made me feel bad.
I am sorry that this person no longer wanted to speak to you. Perhaps she does not have the emotional intelligence or strength to be there for you the way you were for her. That is the only way I can make sense of the behavior you described, otherwise it does not make sense.
Often there's not a strong reason why friendships end and it doesn't have to that anyone did anything wrong.
Life circumstances change and often, that's when relationships shift as well. And it sounds like your friend has a lot of those.
Women I absolutely had a sisterhood with when my kids were little have now faded. After my divorce, I chose to hang out with others who had gone through a similar experience. It's not that my old friends did anything wrong at all and we still talk now and then but we just related to the world differently.
I also have a strong need to be needed and learned that when I do this in relationships I draw narcissists. Instead, I am doing a lot of volunteering now. Helps me feel needed without getting into that co-dependent place that is not good.
I am happy that we talk and hang out again and I no longer feel so hurt.
I think I understand the strong need to be needed mentioned above. I have drawn narcissists quite a bit. It's an interesting paradox because they only need you as long as you serve them in the way they want and can easily no longer need you just as quickly!
So, our 50th birthday dinner. I picked the restaurant, 1/2 way between where we live, takes me 8 min. at tops to get there. Left 10 min. ahead, didn't realize all the major streets were closed, detoured way off track, I was late. I am ALWAYS early. One time I'm late, she's got an attitude. My boyfriend, who knew her when we dated in college, and met again during my divorce, didn't know we were meeting.
She calls me, responding to an e-mail I sent her regarding my son's track meet, where he set a record, so far, for the season, in his event. She mentioned that she thought about attending, but was sure I'd be a no show. Then, got this rant and rave that I'm an angry, old and lonely B*****. My son, or my ex never wanted me to attend the meet, of which my ex and son were supportive of my being there. Then, brought my sisters and brother, and their families into it, saying they want nothing to do with me.
I've been working on my issues, family issues are working. I don't mention that. I trusted her way too many times, and sometimes it's good to let go.