Highly Sensitive People HSP Community Group
The highly sensitive person (or HSP) is someone who cares deeply about everything ... feels emotions with great intensity ... is highly conscientious ... has a rich and complex inner life ... is very intuitive ... is often creative in a variety of ways... is easily overwhelmed and/or overstimulated. A HSP needs lots of quiet time,space, and freedom. If this sounds...
Lately, I have been feeling rejected by my ex-best friend. Rather than just letting myself feel the difficult painful feelings, I intellectualize by thinking about all the reasons why she stopped talking to me.
These are reasons I have come up with:
1-She got bored with me and has met a new friend who is more outgoing and entertaining ( I met this new friend and see pictures of her on facebook).
2-I became too serious during our friendship and began analyzing things and complained too much (she told me that I analyze and that I always complain)
3-She got tired of my fiance and I being late when she invited us to dinner.
4-Her husband passed away and I knew him back when he was alive and for this reason, she wants nothing more to do with me to remind herself of that time.
But, here's the thing: I know I did not always complain. There were often times where I listened to her complain and empathized with her. In turn, there was only so much of my complaining she could take. For example, once I told her that I did not want my dad to give me a ride to work because of the fact that I had a difficult time getting along with him. After I said this, she started yelling at me. I think its because her dad was not available for her when she wanted him to be.
I admit in some ways I am a serious person. I philosophize, I analyze, I intellectualize. But, at the same time, I can be funny, goofy, silly and I love to have fun just like anyone else. I am a social worker and a psychologist and an introvert so of course I analyze people by nature and I enjoy talking about feelings. But I think this became annoying to her.
Okay, I can understand the being late thing. I admit this was something I probably should have worked harder at avoiding. I don't like to blame others, but my fiance was often the reason for being late. He does not like to follow a schedule, but prefers to do things on his own time and often get precocuppied while shopping for ingredients (he was often the cook at dinner). But when meeting her alone, most of the time I was on time. The funny thing is when I asked her once if it bothered her she said no and that the only thing that bothered her was that we could not spend more time together.
And finally, with the last thing, there is nothing I can do about that. Ultimately, I admit I have no control over how she sees me or how anyone sees me. I know that friends grow apart and that this happens to many people, but it still hurts.
These are reasons I have come up with:
1-She got bored with me and has met a new friend who is more outgoing and entertaining ( I met this new friend and see pictures of her on facebook).
2-I became too serious during our friendship and began analyzing things and complained too much (she told me that I analyze and that I always complain)
3-She got tired of my fiance and I being late when she invited us to dinner.
4-Her husband passed away and I knew him back when he was alive and for this reason, she wants nothing more to do with me to remind herself of that time.
But, here's the thing: I know I did not always complain. There were often times where I listened to her complain and empathized with her. In turn, there was only so much of my complaining she could take. For example, once I told her that I did not want my dad to give me a ride to work because of the fact that I had a difficult time getting along with him. After I said this, she started yelling at me. I think its because her dad was not available for her when she wanted him to be.
I admit in some ways I am a serious person. I philosophize, I analyze, I intellectualize. But, at the same time, I can be funny, goofy, silly and I love to have fun just like anyone else. I am a social worker and a psychologist and an introvert so of course I analyze people by nature and I enjoy talking about feelings. But I think this became annoying to her.
Okay, I can understand the being late thing. I admit this was something I probably should have worked harder at avoiding. I don't like to blame others, but my fiance was often the reason for being late. He does not like to follow a schedule, but prefers to do things on his own time and often get precocuppied while shopping for ingredients (he was often the cook at dinner). But when meeting her alone, most of the time I was on time. The funny thing is when I asked her once if it bothered her she said no and that the only thing that bothered her was that we could not spend more time together.
And finally, with the last thing, there is nothing I can do about that. Ultimately, I admit I have no control over how she sees me or how anyone sees me. I know that friends grow apart and that this happens to many people, but it still hurts.
I always thought I was there for her especially when her dad died in 1992. She used to call me every night and talk about his death. After his death she and her mom moved to Oregon where friends and family are. She said that everyone she met, she would tell them about her father's death. In 1992, I was in school, I did not have anything to eat at school because I did not have money but I still talked with her at night until I could not.
Since I've been here in Wisconsin, we would talk on the phone, she would have to be the one to talk about her day first then she would say "now tell me about your day". I never said nothing about that. Last year, I wrote to her new address and my letter came back with a note on it saying "don't write here again". I throw my hands up about this crap. I feel now I don't have any body, I don't have a friend, no school, or church. I feel so alone. All I have is my computer.
I really still am blown away at her remarks. Yes, my daughter wants nothing to do with me, and my son moved because his father is ill. I get along well with my family, have a boyfriend, and other friends, and maybe that's her problem. She's not my constant go to.
I haven't spoken to her in over a month, my boyfriend is amazed.
Sometimes, I think our friends feed off of us, and that's not a friend.
I hope you find peace.
--Expect a reciprocal, fairly balanced interaction.
--Follow through with plans you make with them.
Reach out to those you feel safe and comfortable with.
Do simple activities like out for tea or a walk.
Building Reciprocity=
A real friendship is based on each person giving the other approx. the same time amount of energy as each receives. In the form of attention, invitations, gifts, advice, help, or understanding. This is Reciprocity.
As a caretaker, you were used to giving a lot more than you received, so you may think that non-caretaking friendships are out of balance when you actually receive as much as you are giving. Other people need and want to give to you, so you give them a chance.
If you overgive, you tend to make healthy people feel that you don't want or value what they give to you, and you will tend to attract needy people who want a caretaker. Having reciprocal friendships help you quit caretaking.
The exact form of giving and receiving doesn't mater, it is the energy that is exchanged.
*Notice how often each of you calls the other.
*Who suggests the most activities.
*Who is paying for more things.
*Who gives the most advice and help.
*Who cancels the most.
Work at keeping a balance by taking one step toward the other and waiting for the other person to take a step toward you.
Watch the energy each of you is giving.
Does the other person feel more needy of the other, seem stronger, angry, hurt, when the other doesn't call for awhile?
Is the relationship unfair?
Out of balance?
Don't demand the less person give more.
*Notice the level of energy exchanged and try matching the other person by giving more or giving less. See how that feels.
Demanding that the other person give more or less or being hurt that the relationship is out of balance are old caretaker feelings and behaviors.
Healthy people can be honest. Healthy friendship skills:
--Ability to share thoughts and feelings, describe emotional processes.
--Sharing back and forth.
--When you find friends who give back to you--it can be tempting to-turn the tables and become the person who just receives. It can be heady and exciting and so fulfilling to be listened to, responded to, and cared about.
(But your friendship will no longer be true)
Friendships if they begin to serve as ways to fill up your neediness left over from the past--
If you notice a strong desire on your part to get more support and understanding from your friend, than you are giving or more than the friend is comfortable with (maybe you need a therapist)- Or the other way around...
Healthy friendship boundaries--
As you move away from caretaker, to being a whole and healthy person. Some of the former relationships don't meet the standards of being real friendships.
Many were one-way giving of your energy to help, someone.
Not being mutually complaint sessions, do you think that this is what you deserved?
Once comfortable with reciprocity the worn-out, drained, feeling the old one-way relationships will be less and less attractive.
However, as you give less and less and expect to be given to in a more equal way, you will notice these so called "Friends" disappearing.
Best thing to do: LET THEM GO.
Letting nonreciprocal relationships go without attack, rejection, criticism, or resentment is an art in itself.
Keep in mind that you might have did a lot to maintain the imbalance in the relationship by accepting and putting up with the imbalance by not asking for what you wanted.
What you wanted in the past such as being needed, being overly helpful, or being humble and undemanding just aren't the things that you ant in a friendship now.
Be thankful for this former friend helping you to realize how an unbalanced friendship feels.
Accept the lesson learned and let them go with your blessing.
Now you have the time and energy to focus on You. Letting go of caretaking and getting rid of as many "have to and should do" activities as possible.
--Self-responsibility
--Pleasing yourself.
_Creating the life you want.
--Self direction and life plan.
--Problem solving skills.
--Relaxed and clear thinking.
--Reaching out to others.
--Making healthy changes.
--Assertion skills.
--Understanding.
Loving yourself for who you are (add your own)....