Highly Sensitive People HSP Community Group
The highly sensitive person (or HSP) is someone who cares deeply about everything ... feels emotions with great intensity ... is highly conscientious ... has a rich and complex inner life ... is very intuitive ... is often creative in a variety of ways... is easily overwhelmed and/or overstimulated. A HSP needs lots of quiet time,space, and freedom. If this sounds...
I have never had many friends, and at many times I haven't had any friends. As a kid and through college, I had one or two. But now I feel like I don’t have any – and it creates a deep aching loneliness in me. I have lived a solitary existence for a long time. I've had girl friends and now that I'm married, well, they can't be friends anymore. Of course my wife is my friend, but then she has to be - she's stuck with me. There have been guys that I've been friends with. I've always been the one who tries to keep in touch - with no success. There a couple of guys I know, but we never get together. If I had a real emergency I could probably call one of them for help, but we really don’t share anything in common.
I think that’s the problem: I’m so strange that I feel like there isn’t anyone who could possibly have anything in common with me. Sometimes, if I’m called strange, I feel that it is in a way a compliment – not that I try to be strange.
Socially, I feel very awkward. It wasn’t always that way. In high school I felt extremely awkward. Those were very painful years. Then I got a boost when I figured out how to “pick up” girls. I feel like I did so with good intentions, always trying to give more than I got. Of course that kind of boost is out of the question now.
I’m very deep and I’m thinking all of the time. When I try to say something to be sociable, people look at me and think: “What planet did he come from?” I simply can’t handle small talk, and most people don’t have enough depth to engage me.
I’m sure someone is probably going to suggest something like: “To make or find a friend you have to be a friend.” But I also have to be true to my self, which seems to alienate most people.
Anyway, I was just wondering if anyone else had a similar problem or any suggestions.
I think that’s the problem: I’m so strange that I feel like there isn’t anyone who could possibly have anything in common with me. Sometimes, if I’m called strange, I feel that it is in a way a compliment – not that I try to be strange.
Socially, I feel very awkward. It wasn’t always that way. In high school I felt extremely awkward. Those were very painful years. Then I got a boost when I figured out how to “pick up” girls. I feel like I did so with good intentions, always trying to give more than I got. Of course that kind of boost is out of the question now.
I’m very deep and I’m thinking all of the time. When I try to say something to be sociable, people look at me and think: “What planet did he come from?” I simply can’t handle small talk, and most people don’t have enough depth to engage me.
I’m sure someone is probably going to suggest something like: “To make or find a friend you have to be a friend.” But I also have to be true to my self, which seems to alienate most people.
Anyway, I was just wondering if anyone else had a similar problem or any suggestions.
Frankly, I want to have discussions on things that matter - politics, great religions, how historical events are relevant to current events, interesting books, journal articles. Most people prefer to talk about which car they'll buy next or the latest diet.
So while I feel a mis-match with a lot of people, with other HSP's I feel right at home. The trick is trying to FIND our "tribe."
One of the bits that trips me up is the way HSP's are so self-aware and introspective. And that makes us look pre-occupied which doesn't help us make friends. We're too "serious" and "intense" and we "try too hard" while others just sort of go with the flow. Other HSP's get that. Non-HSP's can think we're a little weird.
Because we're not "naturals" at making friends, there are places we can find like-minded folks. There are meet-up groups, gamer groups, art classes, etc. where you can meet people. Just think about things you enjoy doing and find others who do those same things.
I don't always relate well to people. I find that when I am truly myself I don't often get on well with new people. If I am going to a party, I find that I have a much better time socially and people respond better to me, when I am not my true self. When I am a bit indifferent, a little less interested, a bit more quiet, new people me better.
I'm not sure who that speaks more about, me or them. :) But I am a little tired of caring these days.
I agree with Reed31, in finding like minded folks in places of interest. Seek what brings you joy and hang with those who make you feel alive and interested in new things and new adventures!
I suffered a long time, socially. In H.S., I hardly had any friends and was very lonely. I vowed to make sure I at least tried to make friends in college, but I was quite awkward about it. I think I was socially behind my peers because I had spent all of high school locked inside my home. When I started trying to make friends in college, I did things that really embaressed myself. For example, there was a guy that liked me my sophomore year. He was really cute, in a band, very eccentric, and wild and crazy. His behavior was the opposite of mine, but I grew to really like his attention. I was always terrified of letting him get to know me because I thought that he would find me borring. For this reason, I kept my distance from him. Over the summer, I spent time regretting that I did not share more with him and realized that I needed to do this if I would ever have real relationships with people. When we came back the following fall, I made a complete fool out of myself. I planned exactly how I would approach him the first day we came back, but all of that failed. I tried talking to him and asked him why he had not called me over the summer as he said he would, but choked on my words. He ended up taking advantage of it and sang a song in the cafeteria about me and how I had diarrhea and just let it all (figuritively with my words). His friends made fun of me and treated me like I was a dork whenever they passed me in the halls of the dorms. Similar awkward situations happened with other guys after him and similar embaressing situations plus heartache and heartbreak. I suffered a lot when I was younger. In my twenties, I was so lonely due to people being so different than me. It seemed like everyone around me was promiscuous and I could not bring myself to be this way, even though I wanted to try. Something kept holding me back, however, because it did not feel right to me. The girls I hung out with would nto understand the real me, so I pretended to me someone else that I thought they would like. I hid my true self for a long time and it was not until my thirities when I finally felt like I could be myself more and find people who could better appreciate me. I think I am at a point where I make friends pretty easily, but it took years of practuice. I also no longer feel like I need as many friends as I used to. I think this came through no longer feeling like I needed validation from people. I am happier with just a few good friends and even with these, there is a lot I don't share. I think it's probably because I don't find a lot of people who would understand and accept me as an HSP. At the same time, trying to keep up with a lot of friends has become exhausting for me. I am an introvert who often enjoys being alone. I'd like to think that there is someone out there who would understand and appreciate me as an HSP and would also be one, themself.
Wait for friends who enjoy your deepness - but also don't retract and cut them off if they are not as deep as you and seem to need a break from your depth. Nothing personal - just not everyone can handle discussing the deeper issues we tend to. You are not WEIRD for having few to no friends. NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU :) If you honestly asked people who you think have 'tons of friends,' you'd find that most of those are shallow connections that you as an HSP wouldn't consider friends...True friends are rare and when they come - you have to embrace them and accept them for their flaws and for their differences.
I think HSPs are often so worried about friend's feelings - that we put them first - and then when they are for themselves and take a break to spend time with others or do things we find hurtful - we think they are being terrible friends. Your friends can be different from you. Don't be afraid to fail...don't be afraid to make a few shallow connections, either.
One thing my NON HSP husband has taught me - is I try to rush into friendships. (I think that's HSP) I get deep too soon and it scares people off! LOL Maybe you need to try building shallow connections - and through slow repeated hang outs - you'll establish real friendships - put in the work of the boring small talk - and maybe you'll develop friends you can enjoy going so deep with. Hugs!