The CIA is interviewing three potential agents two men and a woman. For the final test, they bring one of the male candidates to a door and hand him a gun. We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what, says the interviewer. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.

You cant be serious, the man says. I could never shoot my wife.

Then youre not the right man for the job, says the interviewer.

The second man is given the same instructions. Five minutes later, he emerges with tears in his eyes and says, I cant.

Finally, the woman is given the test, but with her husband. She takes the gun and enters the room. Shots are heard, then screaming, crashing, and banging. After a few minutes, she comes out and wipes the sweat from her brow. You didnt tell me the gun was loaded with blanks, she says. I had to beat him to death with the chair.

Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up son, you'll wake your father.
Mommy, Mommy! The milkmans here;
Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy bent over and crying?
Shut up and eat your hot dog!
Daddy, Daddy! What is queer?
Shut up and unhook my bra.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!
Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Shut up and get away from the dart board!
Mommy, mommy, can I lick the bowl?
Shut up and flush.
Mommy, mommy, I hate my sisters guts!
Shut up or youll have them for dinner.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!
Shut up and get the marshmallows!
Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.
Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much.
All right, you can take another slice.
Mommy, Mommy! are you sure this is the right way to cook Beijing Duck?
Shuddup and close the microwave oven door behind you!
Mommy, Mommy! what's a vampire?
Shut up and drink your soup before it clots!
Mommy, mommy, are you sure this is how to learn to swim?
Shut up and get back in the sack!
Mommy, Mommy, I don't like running in circles!
Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!
Shut up and comb your face!

Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.

Mommy, Mommy, can I wear a bra now? I'm 16..
Shut up Albert....

Mommy, Mommy! Why are we celebrating Christmas in July?
Shut up, you know you have cancer.

Mommy, Mommy! I can't breathe!
Good, it's working.

Mommy, Mommy! can I have a bike for Christmas?
Nope. You already have your wheelchair.

Mommy, Mommy! Can Sheldon come out and play baseball with us?
Now you know your little brother has no arms and legs!
Yeah, we know. We just wanna use him for second base.

Mommy, mommy, dad's been run over in the street!!
Don't make me laugh; you know my lips are chapped

Mommy, mommy, what is a deliquant child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.

Mommy, Mommy! Why can't I play with the other kids?
Shut up and deal.

Mommy, Mommy! I'm so depressed!
Shut up and take my interferon!

How to calm a man down



A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband
seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your
husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start
swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it
until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and
reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my
husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and
swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your
mouth shut that does the trick..

Teacher: How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

Pupil: With a pair of Caesars!

pretty cool joke ranger. our hme care nurse just busted a gut over it.

Saturday is Star Wars Day:

"May the Fourth" be with you.

What do you call a fly without wings?

A walk

What did one eye say to the other eye?

Between you & me something smells.

What kind of cats love the water?
Octo-Pussies.



Who is the dogs favorite comedian?
Growlcho Marx.

I have a joke about Westboro Baptist church...

Q: What is the difference between the Phelps family and excrement?
A: Excrement is useful as fertilizer.

one more...

Q: What is the difference between Westboro Baptist Church and Coney Island?
A: You can see the freaks for free at Westboro Baptist Church

Spell Checker

I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

an out of work pianist with tourettes was walking down the street one day and saw a sign in a bar window advertising for a pianist. wtf he grumbled and approached the bartender. wheres the manager of this scuzzy shithole he inquires of the bartender. the tender summons the bar owner and the pianist asks about the job opening. the pianist sits at the piano and lays down an incredible musical number. the bar owner nearly had tears in his eyes from the great performance and asks the pianist what the tune was called. the pianist siad its called " excuse me prime minister but i just shot jizz in your daughters eye and now the cunts blind " . the pianist bursts into another astonishlingly beautiful number on the piano and again the owner is enthralled. the pianist said " that songs called if you do a bird up the ass you get shit on your c**k ". the owner wants to hire the man but doesnt want his patrons offended by the musicians foul language so he sets the condition that the pianist doesnt speak and just plays music without lyrics. as the bar fills up for the evening the pianist plays one after another lovely musical numbers and the crowd is clearly pleased. as he plays music a lovely blond in a split dress is sitting in the front seating right close to the pianist just simply driving the man nuts. at an intermission the pianist decides to run to the bathroom and wank off a quick one. he hears himself being reintroduced and hurriedly returns to the piano to play another few musical numbers for the roaring crowd. as the last musical set ends the pianist is sitting at the bar with a couple of cold ones, still not speaking to anyone as was earlier agreed. the aforementioned stunning blond steps close to the pianist and whispered in his ear " do you know your cock is hanging out and your dribbling spunk on your shoes " she asked. KNOW it the pianist bursts out, i fucking WROTE it !!