Healthy Sex Support Group
This community is dedicated to an open discussion about healthy sex and sharing thoughts and feelings about sexuality and improving one's sex life. Most active adults desire to have an active and fulfilling sex life, both for themselves and also their partner. Here we discuss common sexual challenges faced by both men and women.
Hiya everyone. I'm having some troubles as of late, and I figured maybe someone might of had a similar problem and I should ask here. I for whatever reason, seem unable to orgasm. I have been having sex with someone for the last 4 or so days, and from what she tells me, she is having mind blowing orgasms. I have no problem in pleasing her at all, but for me, it seems very different. I feel pleasure, I feel my body being overwhelmed with pure and raw pleasure, but for whatever reason I can't. I'm normally left in an euphoric state, and can barely walk or talk, because of how happy I feel, but the actual orgasm part never seems to happen.
I got some health issues with my lungs, that makes things a little complicated. I can't do physical stuff for any real amount of time due to the fact that I start being unable to catch my breath. We normally do some foreplay and all prior, but even then, it doesn't seem to be enough. I feel like the chemicals that are being released by my brain are so overwhelming, that it winds up taking my breath away a bit quicker then normal.
And to farther complicate things for me, the last 10 or so years I was in a relationship with an ex. Long story short, we were into some very kinky things, and for lack of a better term, I was her slave. Over the years, I was taught when and when not to, almost like conditioning. I normally was punished for orgasming with her, but it was what the price was and I, to be truthful didn't care. After awhile, I enjoyed doing it, I won't lie. With her, for the last 2 1/2 years I haven't had actual sex with her. She felt my lungs couldn't do it anymore, and in her controlling way made me pleasure myself while watching her, or pleasing her with no release. Being conditioned in this way, I was used to this.
But I'm wondering if my ex has got me all mentally screwed up in this department. When I'm with my new woman, I don't think of my ex at all, or anything along those lines. We are in a vanilla relationship sexually wise, and I don't want this to change. I feel ashamed because I am unable to, even though I have no real issue pleasing her. My motto has always been please your woman before yourself, but even being selfish today, on my birthday, I still couldn't. So is there something wrong with me? Is there any advice that could be suggested to help me get over this hurdle? I don't want to make her feel like she can't please me, because she does, just not in a way that can be shown at this point. Thank you for the help, I really need it.
I got some health issues with my lungs, that makes things a little complicated. I can't do physical stuff for any real amount of time due to the fact that I start being unable to catch my breath. We normally do some foreplay and all prior, but even then, it doesn't seem to be enough. I feel like the chemicals that are being released by my brain are so overwhelming, that it winds up taking my breath away a bit quicker then normal.
And to farther complicate things for me, the last 10 or so years I was in a relationship with an ex. Long story short, we were into some very kinky things, and for lack of a better term, I was her slave. Over the years, I was taught when and when not to, almost like conditioning. I normally was punished for orgasming with her, but it was what the price was and I, to be truthful didn't care. After awhile, I enjoyed doing it, I won't lie. With her, for the last 2 1/2 years I haven't had actual sex with her. She felt my lungs couldn't do it anymore, and in her controlling way made me pleasure myself while watching her, or pleasing her with no release. Being conditioned in this way, I was used to this.
But I'm wondering if my ex has got me all mentally screwed up in this department. When I'm with my new woman, I don't think of my ex at all, or anything along those lines. We are in a vanilla relationship sexually wise, and I don't want this to change. I feel ashamed because I am unable to, even though I have no real issue pleasing her. My motto has always been please your woman before yourself, but even being selfish today, on my birthday, I still couldn't. So is there something wrong with me? Is there any advice that could be suggested to help me get over this hurdle? I don't want to make her feel like she can't please me, because she does, just not in a way that can be shown at this point. Thank you for the help, I really need it.
I have no idea how to re-train myself. Honestly speaking here, I don't think of anything while I'm having sex with her. The rush from it is just so overwhelming, that I don't really have the capacity to think, which trust me, is very rare for me. I think almost all the time, analyzing stuff and for the lack of a better way of putting it, drive myself crazy with it. So for it to be all shut off, and for me to be in such a euphoric state, where all I see is her, is a wonderful thing.
So I'm guessing this is an emotional issue, or a mental issue at best, so I'm unsure how to proceed. I don't want to go back to that type of lifestyle, nor is it possible with this relationship. I want to show her how pleased she makes me, and feel that I can't, and this makes me feel disgraceful and ashamed. I don't really know what to do, but I want nothing more then to fix it.
As far as meds go, nope. I'm not on any. I have medical issues, with having Myasthenia Gravis, and something is wrong with my lungs, seeing as they are at 38%. But as far as treatments go, I'm scared of what they will do to me, so I haven't done any.
So if any of you have any advice, I hope you will be willing to share with me. I feel very vulnerable posting this out on the internet, but I don't really know where else to turn, and this website has been a godsend to me. I really look forward to more feedback, and thanks leather and dogg for your feedback, and suggestions.
If so, maybe you're feeling guilty for enjoying so much pleasure with her, when she's in pain. To which I say, if SHE is enjoying herself, relax, embrace "the devil" within...the stuff will spurt.
And, yes, you're "thinking" too much. Beneath all that thought and analysis is a horny little devil...who wants to spurt his spunk.
To re-train yourself, you need to change your mindset and re-train your body to accept different stimulation, none of which is going to happen over night. It's no different than breaking any type of habit or something you've been conditioned to for a long time, it's a slow process, replacing old thoughts with new thoughts, old stimulation with new.
I went to various doctors, who could find nothing wrong. We went to a counselor, who said that I might not need it DAILY. Also, it might have been that I felt spiritually guilty. Everything was OK when we got married.
It isn't confidential, but I can say I'm a little embarrassed to post such things. I find it amazing that my mind has such a strong hold on me and I don't even realize it. Leather, how do I go about changing my mindset? I don't want to be involved in that lifestyle no more, and don't want to be a slave to anyone anymore. Isn't that the definition of a changed mindset? If it is subconsciously, I have no idea how to alter that.
I sent you a PM.
I did another trial tonight, as I was feeling a bit stronger, and watched over 2 hours of vanilla sex, without doing anything, and barely a register. I watch it, listen to it, try my hardest to feel it, but I just don't. The only times anything sparked is when they tried to role play a little, but that quickly faded when it didn't lead anywhere.
I switched to a BDSM channel, and within a minute I was sitting here raging, trying my best to resist myself. After being aroused to such a degree, I switched back, and watched as what was raging went down to almost nothing. So it is definitely mental or emotional. I apparently am wired completely different now, and I'm not sure how to reverse it.
I am going to have to guess that I might actually long for a relationship like that again, but I won't be doing that for awhile regardless. My relationship with this girl is far more then just sex, and for her, she is being highly pleased, so that is a new experience and want to really keep doing that for her. She is my whole world, and with all the circumstances and variables in play, morally it just feels right to do what I can.
I enjoy helping her, I enjoy even pleasing her. I want nothing more then to be with her, and at night like tonight, all I'm doing is thinking of her. My heart fills with such joy when I see her, and while it has been only a very short time, everyone that is around her has noticed a vast improvement in her spirit and in her health, and have personally thanked me for whatever it is I'm doing. She truly is my whole world, and I can't even imagine life without her, even though I know it is bound to happen within the next 3-6 months.
I guess for me, I am just not going to be sexually satisfied, and I don't know what exactly to do about that one yet. My big concern in all this, is how do I explain this to her that doesn't cause there to be more stress added to it. She cried yesterday when she couldn't make me, and that makes me feel horrible inside. I wonder if some of the pressure to orgasm was off my plate, maybe it would happen once in a blue moon. I don't know. I just really don't know.
It very well could be you're putting way too much pressure on yourself to get off and if your g/f gets upset when you don't get off, that's a lot of pressure. Our mind is our biggest sex organ, orgasms start in the mind and if you're worried about it not happening, you're feeling pressured by her or yourself, that's an orgasm killer and can lead to performance anxiety. Both of you need to relax, enjoy each other, enjoy the sensations, don't make having an orgasm a goal. Allow your mind and body to come together to feel the sensations, enjoy what's going on (with no pressure or worries or wondering if you'll get off or not) and allow nature to take it's course.
Just an idea
Trouble is, is that I'm very stimulated by this girl. Far more then I ever was by my ex. Her touching me does something I can barely explain, but it feels amazing, and is very erotic I guess you could say. I guess for me, it doesn't make too much sense how I can be so turned on, so revved up, and yet nothing. But as leather has stated, it is most likely conditioning from the 10 years prior, and I'm going to have to work on reteaching myself. I don't think withholding sex is going to work for me personally, but I will give it a shot. At this point, I'm willing to try anything to fix myself. Otherwise, I'll wind up being sexually frustrated and that isn't healthy for either of us.