Healthy Sex Support Group

This community is dedicated to an open discussion about healthy sex and sharing thoughts and feelings about sexuality and improving one's sex life. Most active adults desire to have an active and fulfilling sex life, both for themselves and also their partner. Here we discuss common sexual challenges faced by both men and women.

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Sexual Coercion?

Halleys_Comet
Halleys_Comet

Hi, I'm kinda new here, but there are some things I need to get off my chest, and I can't really talk to my boyfriend about it.


My boyfriend, soon after we started having sex, started doing these things that I wasn't totally comfortable with. He's always had a higher sex drive than me and when he wanted to do stuff and I didn't he would beg and ask again and again until I did what he wanted. Also, sometimes when he wanted a BJ, he would start pushing my head down, which is fine, but when I shook my head, said no or tried to move my head away, he would keep pushing my head down until I gave him one. Afterwards, sometimes we would ask me if it was ok, but at the point I would just want to forget about it and move on so I said yes. But, also, I feel like you can't really ask for consent after doing something. I understand that it could be confusing causes I said yes afterwards, but before I would always tell him no, or I didn't want to before doing it. This finally ended after I got so frustrated and yelled at him to stop because I have tried to talk to him to not do it before.


This all happened months ago, so I may be overdramatic, but for some reason it has been really bugging me lately. I just feel so disrespected and I have tried talking to him about it, and at first he listened, but now he seems inpatient and annoyed when I bring it up, so I stopped. I know he doesn't think he did anything wrong and it was ok because he got consent afterwards. Maybe I'm being overdramatic about the situation, but it's hard for me to get over it especially since he doesn't see an issue with what he did. I feel like I can't talk to him about this anymore, but I know I need to talk about this, which is why I guess I am here. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. :)


MemphisWH
MemphisWH
hello and welcome,
forced/coerced/non-consent is never good.
You need to feel comfortable doing whatever you do, and you have to be wanting to or willing to.
Just because you said yes early - a hour ago, a month ago or a year ago- does not mean you have to do it or like it now.
just because you are having sex does not mean you are in a healthy relationship. In many cases it means the complete opposite.
If you say no, others must respect your choice in any situation.
Once you have been emotionally scared it takes longer to heal normally, and the fact you are not getting comfort that you need your scars will get infected and need more attention later.
If you allow someone to disrespect you, they will continue until you draw that hard-line and stick to it.
His opinion does not matter, his actions and words toward you are more important.
While he is not responsible for making you feel good or being happy, he is responsible for his actions that degrade you or hurt you.
His actions and words should be encouraging you to grow stronger, wiser, healthier, and supportive.
You need to stick your boundaries and own your self-esteem.
veggiequeen
veggiequeen
In my opinion, you are NOT being overdramatic, I would also feel disrespected and completely discounted as he continued to go after what HE wanted regardless of what you did tell him. If he did ask me after the fact-- I am a lot like you and try to avoid confrontation or a disagreement, but unless you do , he will continue to bully you into getting exactly what he wants at your expense. It should work both ways-- neither of you are forced to do anything you are not comfortable with at that time.
Halleys_Comet
Halleys_Comet
Thank both of you guys, it's really what I needed to hear and helps a lot. Sometimes I feel invalidated in my relationship and this helps me feel more self assured. I am trying to be more assertive now, I just don't think he understands what he put me through.
MountainRock
MountainRock
Halley, not over dramatic at all. He needs to respect you and your wishes. It may be difficult, but you must be more assertive with him. If you say no, it means no. Not negotiating. I wish you the best and hope that he learns to respect you and your feeling.
honeyteatime
honeyteatime
I am going to reinforce what other people have said and say that your are absolutely not being overdramatic! It is so so important to respect a partner if they say no. Your bf should be understanding if you're not in the mood -- whether or not you have agreed to something in the past makes no difference in terms of what you consent to in the present. Try to explain how your boyfriend's behavior makes you feel and see if that helps. And above all, please do not feel guilty or think that you are being unreasonable. Relationships must be built on mutual respect and there is nothing wrong with asking for your bf to respect your boundaries!