Healthy Sex Support Group
This community is dedicated to an open discussion about healthy sex and sharing thoughts and feelings about sexuality and improving one's sex life. Most active adults desire to have an active and fulfilling sex life, both for themselves and also their partner. Here we discuss common sexual challenges faced by both men and women.
I realize this topic comes up offend, but I still would like to get some input.
I have been with my gf for over 5 years and while the first half of our relationship was pretty good, the last couple years have not. We started off with a healthy sexual relationship, having sex no less then 4 times a week. But after some med changes her sex drive died.
We have tried a number of different meds, seen doctors and even tried a relationship therapist, but nothing seems to help. At this point I am pretty sure it is sociological, and I don't know what to do. Nothing I try seems to help, with some of it making things worse. I am a very physical person (I love hugs, kissing etc.) and she almost always freezes up or tries to get away from me. Now she is tell me I am using the wrong types of touching, and that I don't make her feel like a "women". I am really not sure what this means, she makes it sound like the "women" is supposed to be the one who starts any kind of "lovey" or "cuddling" touch, but I know she won't.
She is always very specific in telling me what is a turn off and very general and vague in what is a turn on. Ever day I feel like I am losing tools that used to work leaving feel more and more hopeless.
I don't want to leave her, I love her a lot and she is pretty much my best friend. If it wasn't for our sexual problem I am sure we would be very happy together. But without sex and physical contact I feel completely reject and unloved. I feel angry and resentful towards her, which can make things very uncomfortable some times. We feel more like roommates then lover and I don't think I can take it much longer.
Has anyone here managed to conquer this type of problem, or have any advice?
I have been with my gf for over 5 years and while the first half of our relationship was pretty good, the last couple years have not. We started off with a healthy sexual relationship, having sex no less then 4 times a week. But after some med changes her sex drive died.
We have tried a number of different meds, seen doctors and even tried a relationship therapist, but nothing seems to help. At this point I am pretty sure it is sociological, and I don't know what to do. Nothing I try seems to help, with some of it making things worse. I am a very physical person (I love hugs, kissing etc.) and she almost always freezes up or tries to get away from me. Now she is tell me I am using the wrong types of touching, and that I don't make her feel like a "women". I am really not sure what this means, she makes it sound like the "women" is supposed to be the one who starts any kind of "lovey" or "cuddling" touch, but I know she won't.
She is always very specific in telling me what is a turn off and very general and vague in what is a turn on. Ever day I feel like I am losing tools that used to work leaving feel more and more hopeless.
I don't want to leave her, I love her a lot and she is pretty much my best friend. If it wasn't for our sexual problem I am sure we would be very happy together. But without sex and physical contact I feel completely reject and unloved. I feel angry and resentful towards her, which can make things very uncomfortable some times. We feel more like roommates then lover and I don't think I can take it much longer.
Has anyone here managed to conquer this type of problem, or have any advice?
I know in a lot of cultures, open relationships are the norm - or poly relationships - or the one with a higher sex drive has someone on the side that their primary partner knows about and is okay with.
I still remember a big scandal with a politician where photos were leaked of him making out in a car with a lady who was not his wife. He held a news conference with his wife and kids right next to him where he said that he and his wife had an arrangement and he had been dating this woman on the side for over 20 years. Then the wife got up and said, "We've been married over 30 years and this is our business and no one else's. This is what works for our family."
I know that may not go over with your current girlfriend but it may be something to consider if you move forward. A lot of people are okay with open relationships.
-The lack of sex is usually symptomatic of a larger problem.
-You can TRY candles, flowers, romance...but this usually doesn't work in a relationship gone sexless.
-The solutions are endure, leave, or outsource...and outsourcing (whether overtly as in an open relationship or cheating) seems to have a somewhat short shelf life.
I eventually determined to my own satisfaction that my ex is pretty-much asexual. Asexuals actively dislike sex, they find it invasive. It's distasteful to them. It is its' own sexual orientation, basically-a null one. My ex wanted the flowers, the candles, the poetry...not the horizontal hokey-pokey part though. None of that.
So that's one possibility.
The other possibility is that your partner is passive-aggressive and is withholding sex from you as a control measure, or to punish. If that is the reason? Well, that's not generally fixable either. Passive-aggressives generally don't break out of trying to control the people around them. If she were to do that, that would involve a lot of hard work on herself.
...Unfortunately, that is what I have to pass on...and it's not good news.
I do think you should try to fix it anyway.
If you try to fix it one last time and fail, it'll lighten your conscience.
Also, trying to fix my bad marriage taught me a lot that I can now use to make a better relationship. So the effort was not wasted at all.
She said that when she and her husband got out of sync on the sex front, he was so starved for sex that when she showed any affection, he got pretty grabby. That turned her off so she didn't want to even hug or kiss him or cuddle.
And this was the key piece - to get to the place where she actually WANTED sex, she needed a lot of the hugging, kissing, touching, cuddling that would sometimes evolve into sex but because he was so starved, every time she showed the least bit of attention to him, he was ready to go and pissed if they didn't have sex. So, she showed less and less affection which cut this avenue to sex off so sex became even more silted and awkward.
Just wanted to toss that out there in case it helps anyone.
The solution they found came from one of those couples retreats on sexuality. Sounded like it was a ten day thing. It helped them turn things around and her husband now understands what gets her going and she understands how he can get frustrated.
And they've found a way to make allowances for one another although she didn't want to get into what they were.