I have been in the same boat before and wish i had better advice to give you , but that relationship didnt make it. Much for the same reasons you desribe. If you havent yet try reading the 5 love languages is a incitful book . I would also sugest it for her. I think your just going to have to point blank ask her what she wants and maybe take some time away from the relationship to clear your thoughts and allow her to do the same.

I was married to a woman that was both BP and BPD and talk about meds ruining sex drive I lived it for 18 years. Needless to say the marriage didnt work out either , but at the end the medication was stable and the sex was good. It was the abuse I could stand anymore.

So I guess knowing were your coming from and if you really want to safe your relationship your going to have to talk to her about it and just lay it on the line that your needs are not being met !

I wish you the best of luck !

Meds do tend to do this to people that is why talking to the dr on how it is going to effect you sex wise is always a great question and sometimes there is different ways to deal with it. Talking is a good thing too. Good luck stay strong.

I also wish I had something positive to offer; sadly, my relationship became an acquaintenceship too, for the same reason. My now platonic female friend too was vague in describing what she wanted sexually, and about talking about feelings in general, when I worshipped her, adored her, and spilled my guts, my heart to her readily. Never again. My next GF will probably be an obsessive psycho trying to control my every waking thought and even invading my dreams, in the center of my very soul, tormenting me, but I think I'll find that preferrable to a "meh", lukewarm-at-best roommate thing.

I think a lot of couples get into a vicious cycle kind of deal. One has a higher sex drive than the other. So the one with a high sex drive pursues more sex via more hugs or touching but because the other partner thinks, "they're just doing this to get sex" they pull back. And then the higher sex drive person tries to find other avenues to get their needs met. Totally reasonable.

Then any sign of affection on the part of the low sex drive partner feels like a cue for sex to the high sex drive partner. So the low sex partner pulls back even more. Also reasonable.

The way I got through this with my partner was to take sex off the table. We just said that sex was not the goal and we discussed what we wanted to keep. Intimacy? Hugs and kisses? Cuddling?

And we agreed that signs of intimacy wasn't an invitation for sex but simply a sign of affection. So a hug or kiss didn't result in being pressured for sex. Without trying, often-times the high sex partner winds up punishing the very behavior they want!

Yes, the low sex drive partner needs to be in the driver's seat and giving them that control can help them feel safe enough to pursue intimacy.

Of course, the longer the high sex drive partner goes without sex, the less patient they tend to be with their partner saying, "I'd like to hug and kiss tonight but not have sex" or the like.

You may give it a try for 3 or 6 months and see where things wind up.

I've also been in relationships where our sex drives are TOTALLY mismatched so we've set up some rules for additional partners outside of the relationship.

Hoping you can find a solution.

The first part of the previous comment.. Very on target.

Thanks for all the responses.

To Reed, I think you are right. A close friend of mine pointed this out to me a while ago. I talked it over with my girlfriend and we decided sex would only be an option on certain days. The rest of the time sex was off the table, so no matter how cuddly she would get I would not expect it to turn in to sex. Unfortunately when the the "sex days" rolled around she would feel to pressured and would clam up. So that plain hasn't work very well.

I know some people can have a happy relationship with out sex, but I can't. I am not giving up yet, but I fear I may have to sooner or later. As much as I love her, we may just not be romantically compatible anymore.

Thanks again

I have the same problem. My boyfriend has NO desire to have sex with me and it has taken its toll on my self esteem. I feel your pain.

Hugs!

my grandpa told me the key to a strong relationship is friendship, trust and sex...yes he told all us surprised grandkids that that was a fact.
They stayed married til the day he died, over 50 years and still had that spark and happiness newlyweds have...so I think he may be on to something!

Hi Again, I think if you have "sex days" each week your gf is going to feel pressure on those days and it can undo things.

Imagine you adore whisky and you've enjoyed it for years - looked forward to it, savored it, felt it was the best thing in the world.

Then one night you overdo it - by a LOT. You get sick as a dog for days.

But in your family, you are expected to drink whisky or it will negatively impact your relationships. So you drink it when you have to but you try to put it off as long as you can.

It's not exactly the same thing but I just want to give you an idea of what your gf may be feeling.

So when you say that you you've specified certain days each WEEK for sex, it undoes the "break" that will allow your gf to miss sex with you and re-attach in other intimate ways. It allows sex to occur naturally. So it's not that you say "We absolutely are not allowed to ever have sex for a certain period of time" it's more "I am not going to expect it or initiate sex. You're in the driver's seat and I'm okay not having sex for awhile because I love you."

But you may need to decide if sex is more important than your relationship. If so, you may need to move on or ask your partner if it's okay to have an open relationship. If you want to put your relationship before sex, you may need to have an open ended agreement that you wont be expecting sex until she's ready. That may mean weeks or months and unlikely - but possibly - years.

In your own mind, you may say that you'll give it 6 months or a year but don't put that limit on her.

It may help to know that in many cultures, people have a wife who they rarely have sex with and someone on the side. Your problem is not unusual and it may be nothing you've done.

That said, after you've abstained for a bit if she's still not interested, it may be good to try and have an open discussion about what's going on. She may have no sex drive but she may also be embarrassed to mention something she doesn't like or afraid to hurt your feelings. Working through things could really bring you two a lot closer together.

My boyfriend has no desire to have sex with me and he's on NO meds at all. He has not a single problem masturbating thou. So yepp, it is a major self esteem killer to me. I am on the mode of ignore him anymore and even thou I love him dearly, after three months of no sex or touching at all, it will end. That's my limit. As hard as it will be, I have to do what is best for me.

I have found that calling it a "backrub time" worked very well. Back rubs are so relaxing for everyone, right? We would go into the bedroom and at least strip down to the waist and one of us would rub the other's back, and often the feet, always with happy results.
The thing that I started to find objectionable about, strangely enough, was that these sessions always seemed sooo looong! I swear it was an hour of him switching to every possible position before he finally came. He thought it was great, but after the first few minutes, I was DONE. Yes, I did start to dread sex with him because it seemed like an hour long commitment that could not possibly be enjoyable to me because it took forever.
I'm now in a relationship where our love sessions last long enough to make up both happy.

Good point, faykay. Awareness of what your partner wants - and doing that - is a great way to increase desire.

Good article in Huffington recently - 5 ways to keep the erotic spark alive - http://www.huffingtonpost.com/renee-lo-iacono/5-ways-to-keep-the-erotic_b_5242237.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

Also, good talk on the crisis of eroticism. Not only esoteric, she has some very good practical suggestions: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sa0RUmGTCYY

Some highlights:
The biggest turn on for your partner is for you to help her/him come alive. What is s/he passionate about? Help her/him do that. If s/he comes alive while s/he's skiing or doing pottery or whatever - help her/him to do that. Do it with her/him so you can see her/him coming back to life. And allow her/him to do that often. It'll be a turn on for both of you.

When you allow your partner to do things they love outside of the relationship - and to have lots of relationships (not sexually intimate unless you're good with that) it sets the stage for a great deal of desire. They get to have their life and then come home to someone who supports them in that.

The other thing to consider is that if your partner has been through trauma, they MUST feel a tremendous amount of trust and security and safety. Eroticism is the antidote to trauma so if you can offer healing in that area, it's a tremendous gift. But the focus should be about what you can do to help them receive pleasure.

Perhaps you can ask, "What can I do to help you receive the pleasure I am offering you" or less formally, "what can I do to help you feel good?" That sounds completely different than "I need sex and you've got 3 weeks to turn this around or we're over."

Thanks again for the advice. And thanks for the links, I have actually seen that TED talk before. I dont want you to think that my first response was Ill give you this amount of time to have sex or we are through. This is a problem that has going on for years. I have tried giving her space and waiting for her. I have tried building her up and removing the stress in her life. The part of this plain that back fired for me was it established I new norm that I was very unhappy with. What happened was the time between have sex would almost double ever time. We would have sex once a week, once every other week, and so on, until we got up to having sex once every 4 months or so. By that time I was completely miserable, but she thought I was okay with it because I didnt say much.

Once we went the see a relationship therapist, we started have sex
more often again. It still didn't reach a level that I was happy with and now it is dying down again.

Unfortunately at this point I can't wait months or possible years in
the hope that maybe it will get better. I am not saying there arent
people who could make that work, just not me. This may seem a little shallow, but I can love her, talk to her, and confide in her, all
outside of a "romantic" relationship. Sex is the one thing that only
she and I can share. When we are having sex regularly I feel SOO much closer to her, without it I feel rejected, unattractive, unloved and my self-esteem plummets.

After talking to the therapist, my main goal is to reminder my gf just how important sex is to me and that if she still wants to be in a romantic relationship with me sex needs to be a part of it. Other wise my choices are to live in a relationship I am unhappy with or just leave with out giving her a chance, or let her understand why.

The point of this isnt to say that she is broken or wrong just
that we have different needs. I am just having a really hard time
coming to terms with the fact even though I love her very much we may never be happy together and we just arent right for each other. Plus she doesn't want the relationship to end, it seems like she has no issues with me and would be perfectly happy if I would just shut up about having sex.

Sion, I know what you're going through, But if you you do leave her what are the chances of you finding someone with all the other good points she has too?
this is something I've made the mistake of doing many yrs ago myself, I learned i must decide are these good things she does are they worth dumping & not findin in another, just b/c 1 major issue is missing? 1 issue is better than 2 or more major issues not being found ever in another?
I hope I said this as nicely & put my experience & points across in good manners. The massages & nice gestures can help sometimes.
I did recently find an article in a mag. that perfectly describes your (our) feelings & hers (theirs) unfortunately I trashed it after a few weeks.

Does mine count has sexless too because I don't even have a man LOL