Healthy Sex Support Group
This community is dedicated to an open discussion about healthy sex and sharing thoughts and feelings about sexuality and improving one's sex life. Most active adults desire to have an active and fulfilling sex life, both for themselves and also their partner. Here we discuss common sexual challenges faced by both men and women.
Hello, everyone. I've never written in this group before, so if what I write is not what you feel should be shared, I will leave. I have been married for the last 33 1/2 year. We celebrate 34 in December. Right before we got married, I discovered that my husband had porn magazines. I turned 21 a month before we married, so I was very young. I threw the magazines away and thought that would be the end of that. He was getting married, so he had no need for such things. Over the years, I have caught him watching porn and masturbating. While some people may not find this to be a big deal, I find it to be a very big deal. We are Christians. We do not believe that this is right. I am not judging anyone one here, so please don't take it in that way. I am only trying to explain how we live and feel. I have caught him on several occasions over the years, but I have not always confronted him about it. I have never denied him when he wanted sex. I have 2 occasions where it was "that time of the month" and I told him as soon as that was done, I would, and I did. I do not understand this. He said he is ashamed of his behavior, but he won't talk about it. It has hurt me deeply. I cannot compare to these women he watches. I had two children, so I have not been thin in years. My heart is broken. Yesterday, I had a meltdown of unbelievable proportions. Between all of htis, my mother, my sister, and a myriad of other problems, I just broke down. Today, I am just numb. I know you guys may think I am ridiculous. Many people think that pornography is acceptable and I am just being ridiculous. I am not judging. We just disagree. I am deeply hurt. I feel completely alone, and I feel like I simply do not matter anymore, to anyonr, regarding everything. If you believe in prayer, will you please pray for me? Thank you very much. As for me, I will pray and ask God to help me heal from all the hurt. Thank you.
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
I'm sorry that this is hurting you
You've written that 'we' don't believe in using porn but I'm wondering if it's really only you that doesn't agree with it and your husband goes along with what you say because it upsets you??
If he's been using it all this time I can't help but wonder?
And I write this with the utmost respect to you
I don't like porn however I think people use it as fantasy
I don't think that people who use it see it as cheating even if that's how their partner feels
Even if your husband won't go to talk with someone about this you can and it might help you
Another hug of comfort and support...xo
There are people from many faith groups on this forum, so I think you will be well supported here in doing what makes sense to you to cope with what is hurting you. Suggestions may be very different, but these kind folks will want to offer suggestions you can consider as matching your needs and beliefs.
I understand that there are a number of counseling/treatment approaches available which you can consider suggesting to your husband if he is willing to change this behavior. One approach is very much like the Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Step model, and deals with pornography as an addiction that can be helped by group support and an extensive personal life review/examination and dependence on a "Higher Power" in your cases God for help with this lifetime concern which is assumed to get better with this approach, but likely have flareups from time to time, especially (as for any type of addiction) when under high stress. Your husband would need to commit to attending daily meetings
under this approach to have the support others have needed to deal with addiction.
A second possibility is in-person group or individual therapy with a Christian counselor who has a particular church recognized approach (counseling plus scripture meditations and supports). A secular counselor offering dialectical behavior therapy or a different behavior change approach can also give help to deal with behavior change (which also assumes that the behavior has become an addiction).
A third possibility are on-line individual or on-line group counseling.
And of course, to many couples, there are addiction or behavioral issues for one person, and betrayal or other issues for the other. and Couples counseling can address that with pastoral or other counseling approaches. If you can approach your pastor or one from your denomination they may be best able to help you---assuming your husband is willing to change or attempt to change this behavior---find an approach that fits well with your faith/beliefs.
12 Step programs have some of the longest records of success with treating addictions, and are usually no-cost except for voluntary donation (if that) to help cover meeting place cost or coffee. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Rogerian therapy, Freudian therapy, and Adlerian Therapy are older treatment approaches with successes as well. Of these Cognitive Behavior Therapy is just slightly newer as an approach. A Google search for porn treatment can help you locate treatment providers in your area.
Your pastor may know of an especially good counselor or program match in your area. I imagine this is a difficult concern to share with others, but incidence of pornography addiction is high enough that I imagine that most pastors or priests have experience in providing direct help or making referrals to someone with that specific experience.
For you, please know that your pain deserves to be addressed with your own private counseling and support. Addictions can be treated, but they are NEVER the other person's fault. Your husband may have wandered into porn by curiosity, and have found himself in a behavior which becomes harder and harder to satisfy or quit over time.
Blessings for you as you find your way through this..
To be very careful with my words and your feelings, when I said addictions are never the other person's fault, I meant that you have no fault in your husband having an addiction. Your circumstances or looks---nothing about you gives him that addiction. Porn is a pretty potent trap for men or women, and men as slightly more visual creatures have a bit of that brain wiring for that path to arousal that makes them more prone to that particular trap.
Prayers for you both.
Prayers for each of you.
Liam
You've said your husband won't talk about it?
It might help you to reach out to one of these therapists Annabelle...xo
(My husband shut down both physically and emotionally after less than 5 yrs in an 18 yr marriage) Your husband does still turn to you so I do believe he does love you.
I do wonder if maybe SunCloud has a point? (That he agreed to put you at ease. Also it is alot about fantasy for many. Or perhaps he just has a bit more libido and doesn't want to tire you out?)
I will certainly include you both in my prayers that you may find your way through this.
I think you should tell him how this makes you feel. . . watching all those skinny little nymphos do some rather unGodly things. (ask him how he'd like if you drooled all over some pumped up young pretty boys? lol