Healthy Sex Support Group

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I have a casual relationship/lover

Mars1212
Mars1212

So my last semi-serious relationship was four years ago.  I was really crazy about the guy.  He was the last person that I slept with before lockdown and the lockdown and the political upheval stressed me out so much that my sex drive died completely and I thought that I would never get it back.


Well that has changed.  I was unsuccessfully trying to date this summer, and then out of the blue I met this guy who is 20 years younger than me. That is not what I had planned.  Guys my own age...IDK...some of them were just so misogynistic, we weren't clicking. I'm not trying to say that a younger guy is better for me.  All of the sudden I realized I really clicked with this guy.  To be clear, I'm not "in a relationship" or even dating per-se.  I'm now in an agreed casual relationship where basically I am casually dating someone and have a lover.  I'm kinda worried that I'm going to catch feelings or that he is going to catch feelings, by the things that he is saying.  He was clear that he wanted a sexual relationship up front. I was surprisingly OK with that. I usually never take late night calls and texts from men, but with him it was OK.  I enjoyed our drink date and our conversation.


I guess my dilemma is, he does not want to use a condom. I insisted upon it. This guy is very attractive and obviously he doesn't lack for action.  Sorry to be descriptive, but I saw the used condom wrappers on the floor when I came in his room.  Not throwing any shade, just saying...he kept insisting during sex that he wanted to take the condom off and that "he was clean" etc. I guess he prefers it that way. I kept insisting no.  I've been through menopause and supposedly can't get pregnant...according to the doctor...but I have the occasional random period once or twice a year.  Much older women have warned me not to always believe the blood tests, and to be careful of the of a stray ovulation. I know that seems far-fetched...  As we know, abortion is practically off the table.  But the worst case scenario would be a really bad STD.


It is hard to set boundaries in life...it is even harder to set boundaries in the middle of the act, like so hard.  Especially when you are so into someone.  I feel like if this relationship goes on I have to lay down the law, get tested again and demand he be tested, possibly a full panel.  It is risky, always.  I mean condom wrappers on his bedroom floor, damn.  I was practically a born-again virgin until this weekend. He was very sweet even though it kinda hurt-at first. In the past, I've had some boyfriends slam me for being too tight down there-like serious criticism. One even broke up with me.  He was much more patient and understanding and the whole experience was better overall-didn't shame me for that.  That is what I will want in any kind of sexual relationship going forward.  Patience. Amazing when you can get more understanding from a friend with benefits than from a boyfriend.  His attitudes toward women were WAY more open and egalitarian.  Maybe it's because he's a millenial-just saying.

GreenEyes727
GreenEyes727
Wow! Good for you that you stuck to your guns about the condom. I'm glad that you enjoyed the experience.
davidnwoyie
davidnwoyie
That is amazing, as far there is mutual understanding between both parties
Not being ashamed, I'm cool with that
adriasm
adriasm
I never could or would have a casual relationship can’t handle it mentally and I’d be scared of STDs. Just saying this to let you know where I’m coming from. But keep sticking to your guns. He’s too sexually active to not use a condom. Even if he’s tested today and clean he might not be tomorrow. Get yourself tested regularly too. Be safe. You make the rules, no compromises. That’s the point of not being in a relationship. He sounds mostly nice but the pressuring to not use a condom is disrespectful especially if you already said no.
MaryContrary
MaryContrary
I would be afraid of std. I like younger guys too.
Reality100
Reality100
Casual relationships until you find someone serious is perfectly fine and the reason why most of you are in relationships with wondering eyes.
touchedbythesun
touchedbythesun
Hard to say no to fulfilling basic needs. Some take a moral position as if it solves the problem but it leaves you empty when your mind and body have definite needs for health. Ive read articles where the religious people often are empty because of ideas of purity and dogma. Same group ignores the pain of no fulfillment or emotional needs. Companionship is important. The human touch, scent, closeness, openness and letting yourself feel alive are real needs. How you balance this becomes the real question. Open relationships, as this seems to be, do raise the spectre of a different sort of problem. Frankly, I don't think anyone can give you or has the right to give you an answer. I'm with the others on the concern about std. Having said that, at least you know what he's doing. That means your 'on notice'. The sort of in your face discovery of packets would be annoying but shouldn't be surprising. I tend to wonder how often you might need to check for infection. There are certain stds like syphilis that have skyrocketed because people don't use protection. I suppose its safe to say that you'd have to try and do the math (which I can't) on how many different persons you potentially get connected to that he's been with. Each of his partners potentially with someone else, and so forth. Branches out like a root system. Cellular and viral sharing is not the way one thinks about it but its unavoidable. There are, of course, ways to be close and intimate that avoid exposure to potential fluid. No need to get into that here. But I hear your dilemma and sympathize.
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