My in laws got married in their young 20s, and were married for...40 years? Something like that. Very happy. I loved my former MIL like crazy.

They had 4 children, girl, boy, boy, boy. I was married to the middle boy. Lets just say that between the kids...they put their parents through a LOT. From my ex eating the baby aspirin, chasing a ball into the street and getting hit by a car, to the older girl and boy being on a hayride that was hit by a drunk driver. One girl died, one lost a leg, and their daughter was laid up for months recovering. And then the legal issues....

So anyway, within 3-4 months of Nancy dying, Rich started dating again. More challenging, Jennifer was younger than him, and both being from the same small town....her ex-husband used to drink with my ex's oldest brother. (Small towns...right?)

So as the kids were talking about this...sentiment wasn't leaning very favorably towards Jennifer.

***

Metaphorically...I smacked my ex upside the head. And made it clear to him that his father had stood by us through all kinds of things for years. And that whatever happened long term with Jennifer, that Rich would remember FOREVER our response to it all. So my ex welcomed her warmly into the family, and slowly pulled his sister and brothers along with him.

Twenty years later, Rich and Jennifer are still together.

***

I can't tell you when or if to date again. I will say...you might want to take your time. I've heard of some bad relationships that came from too hasty decisions, but at the same time...Rich and Jennifer are a true happily ever after. It doesn't mean that he didn't love Nancy with all of his heart for the entire time that they were together.

***

I don't know if that helped at all, but best of luck

Oh and before the jokes start....what am i going to do with myself?! Go ahead, giggle, laugh and now that that is out of your collective systems...??

Patti....you hit the nail on the head. The old fashioned, Italian Catholic in me says, wear nothing but black, become celibate and if possible mourn if not permanently, at least for a year. The human being in me says this hurts, you are lonely and as a human being you have needs, However, society seems to have it in their heads that after 50 people shouldn't date (if they're not married) let alone have sex or even sexual feelings. It reminds me of a comedian. His niece told him if he didn't get married by the time he was 50, he would become creepy! As funny as that sounds, I do not want to be or become creepy.

Pardon me but you are not dead! My Italian uncle was married 3 times! He was also 20 years older than my aunt--his last wife.
I think it is fine if you want to date or more. I would be quite happy with a 58 yo guy. The fact that you still have yearnings shows you need to restart your life. I am sure your dear departed loved one would not want you to spend the rest of your life alone. So get off your rear and go for it!

Thanks...I guess I don't have to become a monk or celibate any time soon!

Nope--- If I am not headed for the convent, you don't need to head to the monastery. lol

I think the fact that you are finally getting through the grief and sadness of losing her (and I do know how much you do still love and miss her)-- the fact that you are actually realizing you are still very much alive (and also at 58. I say too--- I am not dead yet- even though many expect me to just sit and crochet with the cats. ) wants, needs desires are still very much there. does tell me that you are beginning to heal.

These days I know I worry too much about what others think and say--- part of the reason I am still here in such an unhappy one sided situation. There should not be such taboo with how long is acceptable before you can begin to date . That loneliness should certainly be allowed to be alleviated even if getting out with others in a group to get you comfortable and around more people to start) I say good for you . If anyone gives you grief, just tell them--- Kira told me to rendez vous. (wink, wink)

Naaaa....I'll tell them Karen told me to rendez vous.!!!! Mwahahaha!!!! What you said about crocheting with the cats, I busted out laughing!! That is too funny!!!!

Downandout, first, thank you for sharing your story.

Second, please take things into your own hands! It is natural and it is healthy! (It's shown to have medical and psychological benefits!)

It can be tricky when you start feeling attraction for other people. But that is also natural! You are ALLOWED to have sexual feelings for others. Also, please don't think that no one would date you.

I know several people in their 50's who think that they are gross, unattractive, etc. That is in your head! You seem like a kind person, and I think kindness is the #1 most important personality trait.

One friend of mine, who is 50, constantly tells me how disgusting he is, how no one would want to date him or (heaven forbid) see him naked. I can always prove him wrong because I know someone: me! LOL.

You don't have to LOVE yourself, but don't hate yourself. You're not disgusting. I guarantee it. At least feel kind of neutral about it. And I agree with Patti--take it slow. Best of luck to you :)

Hmmmm.... I just don't want people to think I am creepy.

Yep--- that's about how I feel. When you hit 50 is like they wanna send ya to the rockers on the porch... little do they know we wanna jump on the bed. (hahaha)

PS There is nothing wrong with taking matters into your own hands. unfortunately many do have to resort to this. It sucks, but does help Please know this is not a betrayal, but fulfilling a basic human need.
.( I would send you to Bettersex. com just to get a glimpse of some of the toys, but being a man- and Italian you will probably cringe. If ya get bored just go on the link and see some of the stuff out there. Toys for you guys now too. If nothing else will give you a peek and a smile. )

Toys, me, Italian...YIKES! Me...naked with (ahem...TOYS)....I have a hard (no giggling here) enough time just being nude, let alone, taking things into my own hands. That is that Catholic guilt.

Maybe find a hobby. I have an idea for a new olympic sport...full contact olympic NUDE ballroom dancing. Maybe nude volleyball. But I digress.

After my father passed away and my mother many years later at Christmas time denied she was dating (EVERYONE knew she was dating and she was a terrible liar) she told us VERY loudly, "I AM ASEXUAL". Everybody stopped talking, stared at her and busted out laughing.

I think when I grow up I will follow in my father in laws footsteps....I'll be a dirty middle aged/old man.

I am not Catholic but all too familiar with the guilt. Was taught to be ashamed of my body and sex was dirty... even the thought of it. (This all came into play when as a young budding teen I did develop and start to get attention and turn some heads. Scared parents , especially Mom so she did put that fear and guilt into me. I realize now she may have had good intentions , but it did screw me up for a long time.

LOl I am thinking you may just be as naughty as the rest of us. (wink, wink)

I also know many of the guys if they were on here right now would be all for your naked sports--- especially the volleyball. (bouncey, bouncey .) Sorry I am so bad. :)