Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I have been unhappily married for the last 4 years. Somewhat happily 16 years before that. Happily married 2 years before that. 22 years in total.
I have 3 beautiful kids and have been unemployed for health reasons for the last 9 months. My oldest is 16 and really a loving kid.
Ok, so... My wife comes from a very authoritarian home where the father was not physically but emtionally abusive. He was definitely OCD and expected the same from his kids. Unfortunately his kids, including my wife, never learned to make their own decisions because of it. From the outside they were the most well behaved and well ordered Christian family. But on the inside they had to tow the fathers line. He even had a doorbell (wireless) that he carried around and his wife had to come running when he rang it.
I, on the other hand, came from a family where my mother was never satisfied nor happy but everyone around thought she was the most loving caring mother. She was overbearing and yelled most of the time. At her funeral our aunt asked myself and my siblings to talk about memories of our childhood. We were honest in telling that it wasn't very happy...
Anyways, I know that my wife is under a lot of pressure because of my health and her having to carry the financial load of the home. However, she has never shaken the training of her childhood and is never satisfied with our efforts at keeping a well ordered home. Tonight, it was hell in our home. We have a schedule for the kids to be responsible for cleaning rooms of the house. We were gone away for Thanksgiving and arrived back late this afternoon. We acually had a fairly decent enjoyable time away. But, when we got home we all had things to do.. Unfortunately, my son was in charge of the kitchen for the week and it was in need of cleaning. However, many things had been purchased and left in the kitchen and it was his responsibility to take care of it. The problem is my wifes "planned cabinets" are not that obvious and she is always changing them and my son knows that if he doesn't put things in the right cabinets he will be hauled out of bed and yelled at. So, he did what he was sure about but left the rest. We started setting up the christmas tree, which my wife does not like to celebrate, and actually had some enjoyable time singing carols and doing the christmas thing. When we went to decorate the tree we couldn't find the ornament hooks and left the boxes of ornaments next to the tree until I can get some hooks tomorrow.
I could see that my wife was getting irritated about the Christmas "Stuff" laying on the floor and told her we would finish tomorrow.
That is when she walked in the kitchen and saw ome things not put away. She got upset and went into our bedroom and told me to get my son down and make him clean the kitchen properly...
Well, the problem is that we moved into this house in July and have never really found places for everything. So, when I look in the kitchen I see a lot of things that don't have a place. That is exactly what my son said when he went into the kitchen. So, it is confusing to figure out what really needs to be put away. So, here is the crux of the matter. I went into my wife and said we are having a hard time figuring out where everything goes. She went off yelling at our son so much that he walked out in the snow crying (Unlike him) she then started throwing things in cabinets where they don't belong and complaining at the top of her lungs that the kids never put anything back right....
My wifes desires are always a moving target. when the kids or I do something thinking it will please her she finds something else to complain about. It is VERY discouraging and disheartening. But she does not see it!!
I am afraid that our kids are going to want to leave and never come back. I honestly believe that if this doesn't resolve that I will leave as well once our kids are graduated.
Not sure waht else to do...
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Good Thursday to you!I've been watching a really long trial on Youtube these last couple of nights and will finish tomorrowHopefully I'll be in the land of nod soon and I hope my peeps are having sweet dreams followed by a great daySending hugs...xo
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Hey all, i know its been quite awhile since i posted on here. Its been a summer all right. Its been something else........... You know how they say not to open the can of worms? Well a few months ago i decided to find out what my due date would have been for my first baby, the one conceived by r***. My baby would have been due on March 4th of 2006. They would be 20 years old. I was R**** on June...
You are in a bad situation. Now that she is the primary breadwinner, she is likely to want to replay all that childhood abuse only with her operating from the seat of power - in other words being the abuser. She won't see it as such, but that is what is happening.
Why did you say 'your son'? Is this a blended family or was this her way of temporarily disowning him when she didn't like his behavior or indicating that his behavior was somehow your fault?
Her behavior is abusive, pure and simple. This is the kind of behavior that really scars people, as you can see from looking at your wife's behavior. When is ever acceptable to put things above people, much less children? I would say, get her into therapy right away, cause it is only going to get worse. You are correct that the children are going to fly from the nest ASAP and be reluctant to relive all the mental abuse by visiting often. Now is the time to resolve this!
For example a man with domestic violence issues will act out ONLY with family members. Men with anger management problems end up getting written up and fired from their jobs, people at the gym, church or their basketball pals get fed up of dealing with their anger acting out. Is what's going on with your wife an issue only with family members or is she having trouble controlling her anger in other areas of her life? Knowing the answer to that will help you understand what you are dealing with and think of it in terms that might enable you to know how to proceed. Normally the man separates from the family until he has enough therapy under his belt to behave appropriately around his wife and the children.
I would experience much of this behavior as a teen. My mom died when I was 15. As a result, my father's alcoholism escalated. I was always taught to be polite, well behaved and did everything in my power to "fix" things (and of course, keep the image of the "happy family" in other's minds. what a joke.)
My younger brother was starved for attention, so he did all in his power to get attention. (sadly, it usually got the negative) There were many nights he would yank him out of bed to clean up something he felt was intolerable (often it was a mess my dad had made himself in a drunken stupor.) Anger and uneasiness of other circumstances, I would retreat quietly to my room and stay safely locked away (The only way I could get any sleep at all) I encouraged baby brother to do the same thing, but he never did. he went on quickly to become dad's new drinking bud . (And his anger grew toward me because of this.)
I would stay for 20 years to try to do all I could for them, while the two of them (brother especially) would be certain to inflict his pain onto me ....He was VERY GOOD at it) did make sure I felt as discounted and unworthy as they saw me (and women in general I think)
Your wife also shares this anger and loss of control.
For me it would take many years....several situations that would put me into counseling (or therapy) . In such sever dysfunction.....there is no way to survive and move toward a happier, healthier life unless you learn more about it and surround yourself with others who care and can support you . (This is just my opinion though)
I would hate to see this behavior have such a big effect on your kids....twisting them with guilt and doubt...thinking they should be better or do more. (When it is impossible to satisfy someone with such anger and resentment....when they cannot even do that themselves)
My hope is that you may find the strength to begin to do what you need to for you and your kids to move forward, if need be get away from her and begin your own counseling for you all. YOU NEED SOMEONE TO REMIND YOU THAT YOU ALL DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT AND DESERVE HAPPINESS. YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TO LIVE WITH ANGER AND FEAR.
I know all too well how these actions and words continue forever (I just had a very close call again, being pulled right back down with all the hateful negative crap from some newly inflicted examples of being used...and bullied into old habits.) For you I imagine she may try to use the fact that you have been unable to work recently because of your injury (or condition) to beat you down DON'T LET HER DO THAT TO YOU. There will always be ups and downs....in my perfect world we will someday find someone who will love and accept us as we are....and help us through the good and the bad times
My thoughts and prayers are with you all.
My mother's cabinet contents were written in stone for a solid 20 years. The fact that your wife constantly changes it up leads me to believe its more a power and control issue and less of an organization issue. It almost seems like she craves conflict.
You can walk away however the kids have no power or control over this.... I would confront it and discuss the fact that the family needs some therapy (if at all possible) so that this vicious cycle doesn't continue with your children
I would have a voice for your children though...... I wouldn't support or be quiet when it comes to your children being emotionally/mentally abused
Unfortunately I've heard of Christianity used a number of time in order to justify narcissistic behaviour .... There's nothing Christian about the way she was brought up from what's been written and it's sad however however perpetuating it is even more tragic
I'm sorry that you're all struggling right now and I'm also sorry that you're suffering from health problems
She may be suffering from some symptoms from complex trauma
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder
mommy is a rotten parent, there it's been said