Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Could use your advice:
I've been dating a woman for close to 4 years. We recently came off a 6 month break after I called her out for a significant lie. After our 6 months apart she called and said she wanted to try again and her dating experience during that break has taught her what she had in me however I am finding her actions don't match her words - for instance:
She wants me to schedule dates with her by Tuesday for the weekend because her schedule is so busy. Seems strange to me and I have never had to do with anyone I've ever been in a relationship with before. Usually you discuss your plans and if one of us has a guys/girls night out we let the other one know so they can make alternate arrangements.
Says she loves me all the time but when we talk about our relationship she says it makes her exhausted but will complain about her unappreciative kids and ex husband incessantly to me (which I never complain about).
We recently came back from a lovely vacation and she posted a bunch of pictures on her Facebook (I chose not to have a FB). At a party her friend told me she saw her vacation pictures and asked who she went with because there were no pictures of us together. She told her friend she went with me of course but I find it strange there is not a single picture of "us" posted. Again I don't do FB so I have no way of looking - nor do I want to.
All of this adds up to me that she is not invested in this and over time have learned to trust my instincts but would appreciate your comments/opinions.
Thanks
I've been dating a woman for close to 4 years. We recently came off a 6 month break after I called her out for a significant lie. After our 6 months apart she called and said she wanted to try again and her dating experience during that break has taught her what she had in me however I am finding her actions don't match her words - for instance:
She wants me to schedule dates with her by Tuesday for the weekend because her schedule is so busy. Seems strange to me and I have never had to do with anyone I've ever been in a relationship with before. Usually you discuss your plans and if one of us has a guys/girls night out we let the other one know so they can make alternate arrangements.
Says she loves me all the time but when we talk about our relationship she says it makes her exhausted but will complain about her unappreciative kids and ex husband incessantly to me (which I never complain about).
We recently came back from a lovely vacation and she posted a bunch of pictures on her Facebook (I chose not to have a FB). At a party her friend told me she saw her vacation pictures and asked who she went with because there were no pictures of us together. She told her friend she went with me of course but I find it strange there is not a single picture of "us" posted. Again I don't do FB so I have no way of looking - nor do I want to.
All of this adds up to me that she is not invested in this and over time have learned to trust my instincts but would appreciate your comments/opinions.
Thanks
Did you ask her why her schedule was so busy? If it were me and the person I was dating said I had to be penciled in for a weekend date, I would say, well you call me if you have time and if I'm not doing anything, then we can get together..
Pre planning like that annoys me.
Write downs the pros and cons of the relationship and see which one outweighs the other.
After her significant lie, do you feel you can trust she won't do it again? If not, then I would move on now...but this is only my opinion, my take from what you have posted.
On the flip side, you've been seeing each other for the better part of 4 years so there must be some things you like about her. You also agreed to try again after your break; does that mean you've forgiven her for the lie? Is it something you can let go?
If you dont trust her, the relationship cant work. Your paranoia will only cause you to continue to distrust her more and more.
Two points
1. There comes a point in a relationship where it is at a fork - either people move in together( get married) or they break up. Yes, there are some people who live separately forever And it works for them, but majority of people unite. I think after 4 years it is time to make that decision..she chose to walk. Now she realizes that your relationship, although imperfect to her for whatever reason, was still better than dating a bunch of douchebags. She knows this, but still cant fully commit. She cant have it both ways - be single but yet have someone who supports her during her lonely times, which brings me to the next point.
2. Here is my take on life after 40 - ( i am not 40 yet, but i am a planner) during the next 10 hears my goal is to settle down with a person with whom i will be for the rest of my life. We are getting older, we are getting sick, kids Are growing up and leaving, parents are aging and need help. Unless one is disgustingly rich, we need each other when we are in a relationship.
I would want to know that there is someone to get up and get me a glass of water at night or just hold me when i am in pain and i have no problem putting up with any kind of stuff i need to do to return the favor. This is what i have right now. I hope that we will stay together through the rest.
You are a caring, mindful, thoughtful person. You deserve to have someone who will share your life with you fully and completely.
I understand you are in love with this woman...i just dont know if she loves you enough to be there for you of you can no longer go on vacations or have sex due to medical problems.
So, my vote is that she does not pass the test...
I feel badly that this is happening to you..
What do you think about all this?
@Chapter...To me, it sounds like you might not be the only one in the pic. Are you two in a committed relationship or just dating? I know you said you were dating, but maybe that means more to you than it does to me.
Auroras: Here is the tricky part in all of this - she knows I have not chosen to date anyone else. When I try to discuss how she feels or where she is - I get gaslighted, meaning she doesn't answer my question but rather tells me all the things I do wrong. She is very evasive about the subject of us.
After 4 yrs you should know who someone is and what you want from that person. Hey I get it - if I am not the person for you then just say it and I will gladly move on and wish you the best. It is very frustrating to just want to have an honest conversation with someone and it gets twisted and turned into a conversation about your perceived flaws.
Anyway I think I have come to realization that its just time to let this go and spend my time, energy, and emotions into finding someone who wants what I want and can communicate that to me.
I agree you need to move on. I am so sorry you had to go thru all that.
"...Now she realizes that your relationship, although imperfect to her for whatever reason, was still better than dating a bunch of douchebags. She knows this, but still cant fully commit. She cant have it both ways - be single but yet have someone who supports her during her lonely times,..."
As Aronia mentioned before, 4 years is a long time, she should know by now what she wants, no? Yeah, my ex-bf too. They know we are not what they really want, but when they venture out there, they find a bunch of crazies, then back to the old safety net. Crap on that. Sooner or later, we got to move forward (move in together/ marriage or cut it off for good). It's been 4 months since my last breakup (hopefully for good).
Good luck!