If it were easy then perhaps it wouldn't be so rewarding. In my humble Opinion: Marriage is hard work! The only way it can be done is if both partners prioritize their marriage above anything else. On DS I have heard of many people who tried to save their marriage but you can't do it alone. I was giving it all I had but my exhusband did not put in any effort... therefore it could not be done.

work work work, but rewarding because you have someone to share your life with and love

Thanks MDens1971.

I agree with you, the harder the work the greater the reward.

I have been married for 13 years and we have been together for 17 years. It seems like marriage is getting harder and harder not easier.

I found this book that shed a lot of light about why someone might not feel loved.
Each person has their own love language and what is seen / felt as love to one is not necessary the same to another.
See this link to get more information:
http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html

If you spoke your wife's love language you wouldn't have to prove to her that you loved her, she would know...
Anyway this book helped my wife and I to understand each other better.

One reason can be, after being married for a while, we forget our manners or take our partner for granted. I've seen "spouses" treat the *"grocery store clerk", kinder, than
each other.
* (no offense to store clerk's, they deserve good treatment, of course.)

Also, unresolved conflicts, that's a barrier to a keeping a marriage happy.

JeneaesDad, I read that book. My wife gave it to me. That is a good book. She gave it to me so I can understand her better. She also gave me "Love as a way of life", by the same author. I am reading it now.

Somerdad34,
Did you both do the assessment and find out each others love language?
That should tell you how to make her feel loved...
I haven't read the other book and maybe I will look into it.
Thanks.

First I think life in general is hard at times and especially when you are trying to do something right like loving someone.

Someone corrected me once when I commented on marriage being a 50/50 thing. They told me it has to be 100/100 on both peoples part for it to work and I agree.

But like one of the previous post mentioned, it's the hard work that makes it so rewarding.

It sounds like you both still love each other very much. I've been married 21 years to the same man and it is still work from both parties. I agree with MDens both parties have to be in it for the duration.
Have you tried couples counseling?

The five love languages is a great book, but only works if both read and understand it completely as JenaesDad mentioned. My wife and I both bought the book and are reading it together every night and discussing our thoughts. I think it is making a huge difference.

Marriage is not hard. You make it hard. If you have honesty, respect, love, loyal, trust. Then it will workout. With my marriage the reason it did not workout was because. We had plans in the begining and then she changed them. So my life dreams went down the drain. If we stuck to the plan fromthe beginingthan it would have been a better marriage.

What is that love that comes after the first passion but before the way she uses her fork makes your teeth ache. Its that comfortableness, domesticity leading to boredom and finally death.

Somerdad,

Without getting your wife's story it's difficult to know what is going on in your marriage. Marriage can be comforting, easy and as the years go by you grow to love your spouse on a deeper level.

The other side of that is when someone you love deeply decides to shut you out from important and critical facts leaving you in the dark wondering what is wrong with the marriage.

I hope things work out for you.

The latest issue we have is her not trusting me because I gave her friend money without telling her. I get that she is mad I didn't tell her, but I don't get the trust thing. How is giving someone money a betrayal. I want to understand that. I know she is upset because I didn't want to tell her, but losing her trust over it, I can't comprehend. How is doing a good deed a bad thing?

EXPECTATIONS of what two people think marriage is supposed to be is what makes it hard.

Add to that cohabitation (which is not for everybody) and too much familiarity sometimes makes the worst in people come out.

But I'm sure some folks are a great match and will say that their marriages are wonderful.

It is hard to know if giving money to someone is a problem for the marriage or not. Was it a large amount that put your cash flow in peril?

My impression is that giving the money without consulting with your wife is a mask for a deeper issue. Not sure if it is trust, communication, jealousy, or something else.

You mention proving yourself again and again. That says to me that this is a recurring problem. Have either or both of you talked with a marriage counselor? If so, what was the outcome?

Sincerely,

OldChurchGuy