haha!!! Me too Sunny!

I am always SO worried about making someone else feel bad!
It's ridiculous!

I come on here to validate my feelings and ask for advice on things I usually already know the answer to but I want to hear other people's opinion on the matter to see if I can address it differently and in a better way.
If you're like me you see yourself giving advice that you yourself should be following.

I also get on here to see what someone else in my life might be thinking. I try to get their perspective on a particular situation that we're both envolved in in the real world.

I think it's always interesting to view another perspective. But mostly ....

I agree with drew's comment about following our own advice.

This place helps me grow and improve because often I have a situation in my own life and I have to go back find the thread that I gave my advice ( and my advice is usually stop feeling sorry for yourself and do the right thing and probably the most difficult thing)

Then I have to follow my own advice or be a hypocrite.

That about covers it, ShastaSue!

IDK about you, Sunny, but in my case - I lived without having any mentoring, authority or guidance since the age of 12. I literally had NO ONE to talk to about my problems, about what to do next, how to handle life, heartbreak, achievements, etc
Sometimes it is hard for me to make my decisions even though I ve been doing it since I was a child.
I frequently second guess myself because I always knew that if I fall, , there is no one to catch me.

Wow Aronia I feel the same way. I was kinda raised differently though.
I had a loving disfunctional family. I always had support. Then my mother, my rock, the one I turned to emotionally passed away. Then my dad got dementia, then I got married to a woman wasn't in the best health shortly after I married her. I ended up taking care of everyone at a very young age and it hasn't stopped yet. I definitely have no support what so ever and I second guess myself all the time.
Is this just a bit of a stumble or will it always be like this?

"How can we learn to trust our feelings and stop looking for the 'correct' way to feel about things."

"I struggle with feeling bad, about feeling bad!"

"Any advice anyone?"

Mindfulness is one answer to all the above. Cut through all the mind chatter and conditioning that's at the root of self-doubt, judgment, anxiety and the majority of prolonged and unproductive suffering.

It's a skill that can be trained. Just takes effort and determination. You can tell someone how to clean and jerk 300 pounds, but if they don't train to build strength and technique they never will.

@just a simpe guy~ interesting you would mention mindfulness, my therapist and I discuss that topic a lot and he has me doing mindfulness meditation twice a day.
There are some great things about it on you tube.

Jon Kabit-Zinn pioneered MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction).

I've been practicing mindfulness meditation in earnest somewhere between 2 & 3 years. I'm sold on it.

This is my favorite mindfulness youtube:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5TeWvf-nfpA

Instead of constantly applying bandages to all the various and sundry symptoms of life, this type of practice promotes a state of being that helps prevent or at least mitigate the symptoms in the first place.

For such a simple practice (not to be confused with easy!) it's amazingly powerful and effective.

My ex and I were talking about this, he and I both grew up with different kind of dysfunction. From the outside though...all looked great.

My kids are growing up in a "broken" family, yet neither seem to be carrying much if any of the crap my ex and I had (possible, although unlikely that they're hiding it well).

It's just always been not only okay, but encouraged for them to Make Mistakes. Fall down, screw up, and get up all over again is my mantra.

Not sure? Well, join the club. Make a choice and live with it.

If you can't look back and see something that you could have done better...than you haven't Learned anything...and that's sadder than not making any mistakes to begin with. There is seldom a "correct" and "incorrect" way of doing things. Instead there is usually a million subtle different choices and we end up picking something somewhere in the general direction...that's close enough.

(For the math/ engineering geeks, there's an old joke:

Say there's a MOS (member of opposite sex) person on the other side of the room. You're allowed to move towards them as many times as you wish, but only allowed to move half way closer each time.

The math majors will say...."Well I can never reach them, what's the point..." And they'll leave the room.

The engineers will say, "Close enough for all practical purposes" and go for it! (eventually the distance will be microscopic))


Given a choice...react with kindness. Sure I've been burnt, more times than I can count. But I ALSO have more treasured memories than I can count.

So my advice is to stop trying for the "correct" or perfect reaction, and instead look for "close enough".


And go have a nice cup of tea for feeling bad over feeling bad. That means that you CARE. And that's a wonderful quality in a person. If everyone was like you, the world would be "close enough" to perfect!

I almost mentioned Jon Kabit Zin, He is great!

I love it!

Hi, sunny. I too grope for some "technical standard" for how to feel about things, and there is none, except some presence, call it God if you will, that tells me to relax, and trust, that, if I love, love will come back to me.

Too often, our minds, hearts, souls and spirits get cluttered with fear. We have to replace that fear with love, be aware of signs that a relationship isn't going well, yes, but place love and trust in a higher power than a human being.

What great replies.

I too didnt have an emotional role model. I wasnt allowed to show emotion at all so i guess i didnt learn how to feel about it either. Obvious really.

I too work on the meditation model but my approach is more about being in the state of flow which is a more open attitude to it. But interesting you mention it.

I agree with just choosing an action and learning fron the outcome, that makes so much sense.

Keep moving forward in all ways!

The thing I like most about where I'm now at with mindfulness meditation is I can 'see' my thoughts much more early in the process of perception and experience.

I know it doesn't sound all that exciting, but oftentimes we don't see how our conditioning puts us on autopilot when responding to experience, and if portions of that conditioning are reflexively negative to certain experiences, then so will our reactions and emotions.

By getting out of autopilot mode and being able to perceive thoughts as they arise gives us many more ways and options to react to experience. To not take things so personally and therefore not end up in a negatively affected state simply because of preconditioned thinking.

This quote sums it up nicely:

'It isn't the things that are happening to us that cause us to suffer, it's what we say to ourselves about the things that are happening.'

Aronia, you took the words right out my mouth because I had a similar life to yours. Do you have a long lost twin? Because I believe I'm her lol.