Good to get that out. It’s so sad to lose trust. I have been there when you feel like the ground is pulling out from under you. This is when all that love you have to give needs to be directed to YOUR heart. Be your own best friend and find comfort in that. Buddha told us to take refuge in him, your spiritual practice and the spiritual community. He wasn’t referring to himself but the nature of a Buddha. Love and compassion and the wisdom to know that we need to fill ourselves in order to keep giving. The eternal fountain. No faith or all can practice this. The practice is meditation and mindful thoughts and actions. This builds your own ground to stand on. The community can be so varied. Anyone in the universe practicing is part. When I feel lost I can find some peace knowing that there are souls praying, meditating, loving. We can choose to be with that energy anytime we want. It’s in us ,often hiding, and you deserve to find it.

Glad you got that out.

Yeah for me, I always trust myself first and foremost. That’s not to say I haven’t been lied to or betrayed but if I know who I am, trust my decisions, depend and rely on myself first, it feels easier for me to navigate the disappointment and frustration with others.
I think that’s why I can recover pretty easily when people I’m in relationships with screw up sometimes. I know I’m solid and their mistakes are not about me but them. That doesn’t mean I’m a door mat. It just means a I’m not completely devastated and gutted when it happens. That comes from taking care of yourself, loving yourself, being ok with yourself independent of other people.

I can relate to this posting. As I have matured and dropped a lot of my codependence, I have realized that not all people are good people. It was me, not them, that did too much, loved too much, forgave too much. It was my lesson to learn. Now I don't trust people right away, now I see people for who they are and how they are. I don't sugar coat people to meet my own emotional needs. I didn't want to see myself as perpetual victim, I wanted to work on my healing and moving forward. This is not an easy journey but it is better for me, I think.

I guess the biggest problem that I have is that I hate being alone. I feel like its not safe for me to be alone. But at the same time I know that those around me dont always have the right intentions. I say I forgive them and then whenever I look at them all I can think about is how they have betrayed me. How much it hurt me. As a defense mechanism I become an introvert and eventually it leads to me feeling depressed. Self hate. I cannot stand the simple thought of being alone or thinking that there is no one in this world who love. I mean thats why I am here.... it sucks.

The first thing I noted about your post was your name "I Deserve". I can only speak to my own experience....when, in the past, I believed "I deserved" something from someone, I set myself up by 'expecting' they would give me what I wanted/needed. I've since learned people can not read my mind and I need to 'ask' for what I want/need and be prepared for the answer. Sometimes they are able to give to me, and sometimes not.

Being a former codependent I gave and gave with the hope I'd be accepted if I 'did enough or more' then I'd feel badly when I wasn't acknowledged for what I'd done. In actuality, 'control and manipulate to try and change or fix, ' was used to get what I wanted by doing and giving instead of me asking outright...what was 'their journey' to learn.

Being alone and feeling alone are two different emotions/situations. I live alone, all of my birth family have died. Feeling alone, is/was a choice I had to learn within myself, the way I thought and how I lived my life. I've got no 'close' friends,, yet I find now acquaintance friendships are made more easily and are less threatening as I too have been burned by people who I've loved. At the ripe age of nearly 67, I've learned 'humanness' and forgiveness....and like the Rolling Stones Song...Ya Can't Always Get What You Want...But if you try sometimes you get what you need....so I look for ways to meet my own needs.