So my mom's family is very religious. They all go to the same church. Many of them have never missed a sunday. Not gone on honeymoons so they could go to church kinda family. But more than that - they stick together - through thick and thin. They support each other. They love each other with G-d's love. They are healthy in tact families. 

So it has been hard knowing that my one cousin is throwing her marriage away. My mom's great neise. 

Back ground - so they have been married about 2 years. They dated for about a year before getting married. Not sure how they met each other. They bought a house next to a catholic church in the area, who believed in them enough that the church sold them extra land for their new family to grow. They live less than 20 miles from each of their parents, and they have attended church almost every sunday since getting married. In this time, they started living together, she changed jobs twice and also sells trinket in home party stuff. He works in a factory and is an honest man, but simple. 

So, since she has been selling things, she wants to travel. Wants to see knew places. Meet new peole. Make new contacts. He has build her platform for her tent. Bought and customized the trailor she carries everything in. Goes to each place to help her set up and tare down. I call that pretty supportive. But she complains he should do more to help her. Remember - he has a job of his own. And she takes of work from her regular job to go to these festivals and such to sell stuff. So this is an area of conflict I know about. 

I have also been told that he has a short temper. I was told this by her mom and her. In one argument, he was working under a vehicle, and got mad, and threw a tool out from under the vehicle at her. In an other argument, he got mad and punched the wall next to her. Do I condone these actions - Not by any means. But also - I have no idea what these arguments were about and what either of their roles were like in practice in these arguments. What I do know is that either of the times I have been told about, he could of hit her and chose not to. That speaks for something to me. 

Now, let me tell you from experience - my husband and I have had some tough fights. It is hard learning to live with someone. I HATED roomates in college for that reason. We were completely different kinds of people being forced to live together. Not great. I chose my husband. and when we started living together, there were days we didn't speak and angrered each other quite quickly. There were days I downright hated him, but I still loved him. 

There was a day. It was shortly after my son was born. We were on our to go get his daughter for the weekend. Our new baby son was asleep in the back of the jeep. It was snowing. It was a day we were not talking. We spent over half the drive in mostly awkward silence. Finally I took a deep breath and said "so, is this it?" ... "is this how it ends?" He knew what I meant, and we both talked about how we didn't want it to end and about the things that were bothering us about the other person, and talked about things we were willing to try to do to help this marriage work. But most important, we both said that we didnt want it to end, and we agreed to do our best to not let it end. 

We have had many conversations like this since then. We have even done some couples therapy. All good stuff. But it has been a fight at times to keep us together because there are other things that almsot try to pull the marriage appart. WE have come accross new challengers every year that make us question again and cause us to feel shaken. 

So what? We back to my cousin. She, in her travels, found another man that makes her happy. She talks about this new man the same way she used to talk about her husband. It makes me sad because she will be in the same place in a few years if she does not learn the lesson now. So she lost that sexual driving lust for her husband that used to be a daily thing when they first met - yeah - it fades. That doesn't mean that it is time to give up on love. 

She has checked out. She doesn't want to keep working on the relationship. She does not want to put in the hard work. He does. He goes to church still every sunday in the family church. He sits with her parents and grandparents. He still oves her - he wants to put in the hard work. He wants to make it work. She is done. It got tough, and she checked out. 

Marriage is not a hollywood movie or a fairey tale. Marriage is real life. Real life is tough and ugly sometimes. But real life is worth living when we are willing to put in the hard work to make it through.  

Please don't throw it away in the first few years - the good stuff comes after that. If you can make it through the fights  and learning to live together, raise kids together, mold your different ideas of life together, and have ways of dealing with the things you can't.... then and only then can you wake up one day and be the old couple in the rocking chairs on the back porch holding hands through it all. 

Hope you all find someone to share life with, and don't give up when it gets tough. 

:) Susie