Some people refuse to respect boundaries. Parents sometimes fall into this category because they were able to tell us what to do and what not to do when we were growing up, but once we are grown they refuse to acknowledge our self-proclaimed (and deserved) independence.

There is always some accountability on both sides of every conflict. In this case, she is more far more involved in your life than you would like her to be -- like a miniature Mussolini. That's on her, but to the degree you allow her dictatorial behavior to continue there is also some accountability/culpability on your side.

It sounds like you've tried talking to her and yet she persists in her dysfunctional behavior. But accountability only really exists if there are consequences. What is your response when she crosses the lines you've asked her not to cross?

I really think you need to distance yourself from her and her influence. Let her be the martyr if she chooses, but be very clear that certain decisions lie squarely in your court. It sounds to me like your boyfriend moving in would just exacerbate the problem. She'd probably try to tell him what to do as well.

There is a phrase I use when someone tries to take too much from me or be too controlling. "That doesn't work for me." I don't need to explain why it doesn't work, or have an emotional outburst. I simply need to calmly and quietly say those words and distance myself from the situation or person if the unwanted behavior continues.

Declare your independence. Then be prepared to fight for it.

You can tell her that every time she says or does things that are controlling, it pushes you away. Best friends don't do that to one another. They trust each other, and by her doing what she does, she's telling you that she doesn't trust you, and that's no way to treat a best friend.

It's obvious that she knows you will be leaving the home you now live in, at some point, and she is having a very hard time with that. She wants you to stay with her, there, probably for a very long time, as it's common in many cultures for single mothers to live out their lives with their mothers. She doesn't want to lose you, and is reverting to any tactic to keep you under her roof. She's doing this out of love and caring. She has good intentions, yet poor delivery, and she's bound by her upbringing.

It will be a learning curve for her, to let you go, and there's a gentle way you can help her with that. Assure her that she is your best friend, and that you love her deeply, but as a young woman with children, you want to make a life for yourself. Let her know that the only thing that will change is your address, and nothing else. She's also probably worried that your new man will influence you, taking you away from her, yet under her roof, she can control that. Maybe you need to spend some time with your new man, at home, so she can get to know him, and he'll seem less of a threat to her, over time. Let her see that you're strong enough to make your own decisions, in front of him, without his influence, and that may help calm her desire to lock you in the house.

Sometimes knowing what people's intentions are, even when they seem self-centred, can help you move beyond anger, and into sympathy for the fact that it's the only way she knows. But you can help her with that, it just takes time, planning, and reassuring. You don't need to throw the baby out with the bathwater, and she seems like a caring mother, assertive and controlling yes, but there are ways of dealing with that without destroying your relationship.

I wish you both well.

Just move out, don't be so locked into her opinions.

I'm not saying that your BF is good or bad at all, but maybe be on your own for awhile to establish independence.

The worse thing to do would be o move the BF into your current situation.

My boyfriend currently stays here a lot. 4-5 days a week and has done that for months now. She's had a lot of time to get to know him. She says she likes him and that he is intelligent. Which given my past relationships days weren't the best. As my mother says they were young, dumb, and full of cum. However I was 16-19 when all of that happened. When I got divorced I spent almost 2 years single and focused on myself, my children, and school and home life. This is my first relationship since my two years of being alone and I took my time talking to him and getting to know him before we decided to be together. My reaction when she does things that over step is usually I'll say something to the effect of, mom we've talked about this please back off. Or that I don't appreciate her over stepping her bounds on something we've already discussed many times and at such great lengths. And I've tried reassuring her that when my boyfriend and I move in together we will still be in the same town mostly so my children don't have to switch schools. We're both close to our parents and families so we have no intention of moving it of state or even the next county over. At most we'd be a 10-15 minute drive. And age still insists that she just wants him to move in and us not get a place. I know she'll be mad when I do move out but I know eventually she will get over it. She's the one who when I was younger pushed me to be independent to join the military and now it's like she's reverting back and wants me to be a child.

Mothers can be that way. They give us life, bring us into this world, then slowly suck the life from us. My mother's German/Irish and she's the same way, a controlling slave driver, nothing's ever good enough. She can't help it...because it's the way her father raised her. How are your mother's parents toward her? It's this generational dumping ground. One generation dumps their baggage onto the next generation, and on down the line it goes. Physical distance from her is the only way to release this control.

My mother was raised by her grandparents. The maternal grandmother was from Italy. But I know my great grandmother would freak out and say her room was dirty even if she had just a jacket hanging neatly on the back of a chair. It's frustrating because in our house there's 6 people in a3 bedroom house. I do majority of the cleaning, and half the cooking in addition to school, work and two children. And I'm always being told I'm slacking off, or not doing enough.

If she will eventually get over it, then just do what you want. Be kind but firm when she says things that bother you.

Change how you respond and react to her when she says stuff. That may make you feel like you have some control. Otherwise you guys just keep engaging in the same old dynamic which goes no where.

You've given her a lot of power over you for a long time so you've had a role in creating this and she's not going to change; you have to accept that. The choices then seem put up with it or start carving out a life for yourself, independent of her. Take control.