I can vouch for that as I try to avoid being creepy and women just don't wanna know. Also, there's the issue of having to look after my Gran; who demands her way every waking hour of her life. There's no way a woman would tolerate that now. (God only knows how Mum coped)

I agree you have to be in a good emotional state before seriously dating. My breakup was 8 months ago and Im not there yet. Tried dating a gal for a bit but I was not emotionally ready to start something serious. Her divorce was 10 years ago so she was more than ready and we got along good but there was no way I could continue. Really sucks to still be hung up on an ex, but mine was a 24 year relationship and its going to take longer than 8 months unfortunately. I want to be 100% healed (if thats possible) and comfortable being alone before I even attempt it again.

That is true. And healthy people sure attract unhealthy people too! Too bad unhealthy people don't attract healthy people! Everyone wants to be healthy, so few want to do the work required to BE healthy.

Sometimes even when you are healthy, unhealthy people can have a charm and manipulative way of relating to you that you would never suspect that they are unhealthy. If a healthy person see the red flags, they run.

Thanks for your responses.

Kbbcoop, thank you for sharing. I wish you the best. It makes me realize I definitely need to be healed from my issues.

Koolman, that is true. I am doing the work, but I think I have a long way to go.

I don't know. It seems like there is always one healthy one pulling all the weight. I suppose you can consider it codependent of the person who puts up with the more unhealthy one.

For the healthy person, it's impossible to avoid unhealthy people. Unhealthy people are everywhere. It's just a matter of knowing how to DEAL with unhealthy people. Usually the trick is to just agree with them in whatever they're bitching about, try to make them laugh and feed their ego.

...while maintaining certain boundaries of time and space. When unhealthy people close in for the kill and begin to stifle and drain the life out of healthy souls, it's time for healthy souls to detach, say "I need a few days off here".

while i don't necessarily think that unhealthy people always "attract" other unhealthy people, (although sometimes i suppose they could), i will say that if you aren't healthy and strong within yourself, it is much harder to steer clear of unhealthy people or to spurn their advances.

i know that at harder points in my life, times when i felt weak, lonely, or down on myself already, it was harder for me to do the right thing and walk away if an unhealthy person approached me. when i look back, there have always been unhealthy people that have tried to come into my life, but i was not so good at resisting their influence when i was at a low point already, if that makes any sense. it was much easier to assert myself and draw healthy boundaries when i already felt strong and confident.

Makes perfect sense, happymama. Yes, when you're unhealthy, you're in good company, 'cuz there are A LOT of other unhealthy people around, using each other to try and get healthy, or just to try to maintain some balance within themselves.

I think there are many many unhealthy people out there.
I think a healthy person is a good judge of knowing when to leave immediately, give it a little time, or it is worth some more efforts but not to the point that it is hurting yourself.
The other thing is there are some very manipulative people out there too who know how to turn on the charm & will only show their true self after they have you in marriage or after children..when it is so much harder to leave.
then there are some who are over cautious with red flags due to never wanting to be in a bad situation again.
I try to listen to my gut eventhough there may be some very good things on the surface. Is the person extremely stubborn in their thoughts and ways or really wants to understand & compromise is something I look for also. Everyone knows that everyone is not perfect but it is true that some are much worse than others.

Relationships will more satisfying and successful if both people are healthy. On the flip side, nobody's perfect, and for that reason, people sometimes need one another. Whether it is better to remain single depends on whether you have met someone who you can live with and trust to be there for you.

We need to set aside prejudice in order to look into the hearts and minds of the people that we meet. It doesn't make sense to lump all 'unhealthy' people together, whether we are talking about emotional, psychological, or physical illness.

For some kinds of mental issues, the prevailing dynamic is "opposites attract" for example, the dependent with the controlling, or those who are perpetually needy (e.g addicts) with those who need to be needed (e.g. codependents). Introverts and extroverts, on the other hand, tend to avoid each other. Narcissists and sociopaths target those who are overtly successful yet secretly lonely and yearning for unconditional love. The strategy of an abuser to isolate their victim, by using emotional outbursts and lies, should ring alarm bells as soon as it starts happening.

The more people we get to know, the more likely it is that we will come into contact with people who are good for us, and the easier ti will be to get free of the ones who aren't.

BlueYonderDreams - this is something I have thought about a lot. As a person who has codependent tendencies, I have really had to be conscious of how my "un-healthiness-es" have contributed to my state of being with others who are rather unhealthy. As I have taken steps to get healthier on the inside, it has been easier to recognize the need for lines, to draw them, and to stick to them. I don't think any of us is "doomed" just because we acknowledge that we are unhealthy emotionally. All of us can grow, improve, and get better. Our choices have a lot to do with that. It is not easy, but we can get better if we choose to do the work involved and to keep at it.

blessuall and carterbrautigan - your comments were very insightful, and I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts. Speaks to me.

Thank you to all who responded to me. It gave me a lot to think about.

happymamaj2 - You gave me a lot to think about. I have turned down all of the wrong people so far so maybe I am healthier than I think, but I am terrified of the thought of ending up in a relationship with someone that ends up being all wrong and I can't bring myself to leave.

carterbrautigan - Thank you for your thoughts. I do want to clarify that I don't mean to lump in all unhealthy people together. I use the word unhealthy to mean someone who would make a relationship unhealthy such as an abuser or someone controlling. I won't discount someone just for being physically or mentally ill.

"As I have taken steps to get healthier on the inside, it has been easier to recognize the need for lines, to draw them, and to stick to them."

freetochoose: Yes!!! Boundaries! That's how we maintain our own health and sanity around people who are no good for us and just drag us down into their abyss as we try to keep ourselves out of our own abyss.